WaitForTheDay
New Fapstronaut
I am writing this out - for the first time.
Before I start, i want to ask you, if there is an connection between femdom/traps/sissy pornography addiction and a huge, huge mistake in my life I will describe in this messeage.
////Table of contents:
a) How and why it started (I think)
b) The mistake
I am 18, a student at my local Grammar School, in a small city in Eastern Europe. I am one year before my final exams, but have, since the day I started school in general, been quite senstive to stress. It's not like I hate school and learning, rather I like my individual freedom, and try to not bend myself to the needs of school, quite the opposite. This breakthrough moment happened a few months ago, resulting in a flow of happiness, and a happier life in general, with basically no stress. My dream came true.
But of course, before this moment, I was, and still am, a pornography addict, since the age of 11. My early exposure started with vanilla, but i can recall watching some light gay porn at the age of 12. I moved on to hentai, some more hardcore Brazzers videos, but about a year ago, I got into femdom, latex, BDSM, BBC, Blacked and at last Sissy hypno. This is really when I think my life went straight down. I even picked up smoking, which I have quit about two months ago (thankfully).
What I can observe as of now, is a huge decrease in motivation thanks to this hardcore pornography, and in general carelessness, resulting in submission. Beacause I was under heavy stress load during this time, I wanted to submit something to, to let my imagination run wild, and escape the responsibilites of normal life. The thought of being feminized, treated like a slave actually felt nice, the idea of being numb to what lies ahead and just go causally thru life was like a bless, beacause of all that stress. I get excited about this even now...
Beacause of my pornography usage, I grew into a heavy introvert (which...like out of nowhere, was quite destroyed) Like a 'snap' moment. So my social life improved even during this causal BBC hypno porn usage.
But, half a year ago, the big mistake happened, and I would like to know, if there might be a link between this heavy porn and the mistake. What happened is that I wanted to smoke some weed after school, beyond the city on a hill. But this outdoor place, which I did not know back then, was quite used for heavy parties, resulting for a cop to stop-by to inspect any wrongdoings.
Long story short, i got caught and transferred to local police station for interrogation. The cop asked me where have I got the weed...and I told him that it was on a party my best friend's cousin.(I told the names, adresses, everything...)
Thank god, no cops stopped by them and they have no problems. But of course, I am the backstabber. I seriously have no clue how did that happen. Perhaps I wasn't manly enough, emasculated by this type of pornography...and just collapsing?
So the rest of story goes like this, I and my friend still talk, but I feel a strange aura around. The memory of this backstab is vivid, and I want to turn the wheel to a positive direction. I gave him a promise that if any situation arises he might get trouble from, I will be the one divert the harm on me, not on him. But that's all I can do, just wait for the moment, and hope for the best.
This actually fuels my nofap journey a lot, beacause I know I have to be prepared for when this day comes, to regain the lost trust back.
So yeah, that is my story, thank you for your time and answer!
John
Before I start, i want to ask you, if there is an connection between femdom/traps/sissy pornography addiction and a huge, huge mistake in my life I will describe in this messeage.
////Table of contents:
a) How and why it started (I think)
b) The mistake
I am 18, a student at my local Grammar School, in a small city in Eastern Europe. I am one year before my final exams, but have, since the day I started school in general, been quite senstive to stress. It's not like I hate school and learning, rather I like my individual freedom, and try to not bend myself to the needs of school, quite the opposite. This breakthrough moment happened a few months ago, resulting in a flow of happiness, and a happier life in general, with basically no stress. My dream came true.
But of course, before this moment, I was, and still am, a pornography addict, since the age of 11. My early exposure started with vanilla, but i can recall watching some light gay porn at the age of 12. I moved on to hentai, some more hardcore Brazzers videos, but about a year ago, I got into femdom, latex, BDSM, BBC, Blacked and at last Sissy hypno. This is really when I think my life went straight down. I even picked up smoking, which I have quit about two months ago (thankfully).
What I can observe as of now, is a huge decrease in motivation thanks to this hardcore pornography, and in general carelessness, resulting in submission. Beacause I was under heavy stress load during this time, I wanted to submit something to, to let my imagination run wild, and escape the responsibilites of normal life. The thought of being feminized, treated like a slave actually felt nice, the idea of being numb to what lies ahead and just go causally thru life was like a bless, beacause of all that stress. I get excited about this even now...
Beacause of my pornography usage, I grew into a heavy introvert (which...like out of nowhere, was quite destroyed) Like a 'snap' moment. So my social life improved even during this causal BBC hypno porn usage.
But, half a year ago, the big mistake happened, and I would like to know, if there might be a link between this heavy porn and the mistake. What happened is that I wanted to smoke some weed after school, beyond the city on a hill. But this outdoor place, which I did not know back then, was quite used for heavy parties, resulting for a cop to stop-by to inspect any wrongdoings.
Long story short, i got caught and transferred to local police station for interrogation. The cop asked me where have I got the weed...and I told him that it was on a party my best friend's cousin.(I told the names, adresses, everything...)
Thank god, no cops stopped by them and they have no problems. But of course, I am the backstabber. I seriously have no clue how did that happen. Perhaps I wasn't manly enough, emasculated by this type of pornography...and just collapsing?
So the rest of story goes like this, I and my friend still talk, but I feel a strange aura around. The memory of this backstab is vivid, and I want to turn the wheel to a positive direction. I gave him a promise that if any situation arises he might get trouble from, I will be the one divert the harm on me, not on him. But that's all I can do, just wait for the moment, and hope for the best.
This actually fuels my nofap journey a lot, beacause I know I have to be prepared for when this day comes, to regain the lost trust back.
So yeah, that is my story, thank you for your time and answer!
John
