Could my backstab of a friend be induced by submission pornography?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by WaitForTheDay, Oct 21, 2018.

  1. WaitForTheDay

    WaitForTheDay New Fapstronaut

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    I am writing this out - for the first time.


    Before I start, i want to ask you, if there is an connection between femdom/traps/sissy pornography addiction and a huge, huge mistake in my life I will describe in this messeage.

    ////Table of contents:
    a) How and why it started (I think)
    b) The mistake

    I am 18, a student at my local Grammar School, in a small city in Eastern Europe. I am one year before my final exams, but have, since the day I started school in general, been quite senstive to stress. It's not like I hate school and learning, rather I like my individual freedom, and try to not bend myself to the needs of school, quite the opposite. This breakthrough moment happened a few months ago, resulting in a flow of happiness, and a happier life in general, with basically no stress. My dream came true.

    But of course, before this moment, I was, and still am, a pornography addict, since the age of 11. My early exposure started with vanilla, but i can recall watching some light gay porn at the age of 12. I moved on to hentai, some more hardcore Brazzers videos, but about a year ago, I got into femdom, latex, BDSM, BBC, Blacked and at last Sissy hypno. This is really when I think my life went straight down. I even picked up smoking, which I have quit about two months ago (thankfully).

    What I can observe as of now, is a huge decrease in motivation thanks to this hardcore pornography, and in general carelessness, resulting in submission. Beacause I was under heavy stress load during this time, I wanted to submit something to, to let my imagination run wild, and escape the responsibilites of normal life. The thought of being feminized, treated like a slave actually felt nice, the idea of being numb to what lies ahead and just go causally thru life was like a bless, beacause of all that stress. I get excited about this even now...

    Beacause of my pornography usage, I grew into a heavy introvert (which...like out of nowhere, was quite destroyed) Like a 'snap' moment. So my social life improved even during this causal BBC hypno porn usage.

    But, half a year ago, the big mistake happened, and I would like to know, if there might be a link between this heavy porn and the mistake. What happened is that I wanted to smoke some weed after school, beyond the city on a hill. But this outdoor place, which I did not know back then, was quite used for heavy parties, resulting for a cop to stop-by to inspect any wrongdoings.

    Long story short, i got caught and transferred to local police station for interrogation. The cop asked me where have I got the weed...and I told him that it was on a party my best friend's cousin.(I told the names, adresses, everything...)

    Thank god, no cops stopped by them and they have no problems. But of course, I am the backstabber. I seriously have no clue how did that happen. Perhaps I wasn't manly enough, emasculated by this type of pornography...and just collapsing?

    So the rest of story goes like this, I and my friend still talk, but I feel a strange aura around. The memory of this backstab is vivid, and I want to turn the wheel to a positive direction. I gave him a promise that if any situation arises he might get trouble from, I will be the one divert the harm on me, not on him. But that's all I can do, just wait for the moment, and hope for the best.

    This actually fuels my nofap journey a lot, beacause I know I have to be prepared for when this day comes, to regain the lost trust back.

    So yeah, that is my story, thank you for your time and answer!
    John
     
  2. RecoveringLion

    RecoveringLion Fapstronaut

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    Nobody here can answer those questions, but we can support you in your journey. Your first step is to get a qualified sex addiction therapist to guide you through the recovery process. From there, we will be happy to support your recovery efforts.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  3. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    the only advice i can give you is to not blame porn for everything wrong you do. Would be an excuse :)

    You are what you are and not what porn made out of you. You made a mistake, good. Everybody does.
     

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