Couldn’t keep disappointing my wife so I decided to hide my relapses instead of trying harder

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by myrealnameis, Nov 11, 2019.

  1. myrealnameis

    myrealnameis Fapstronaut

    I already told her about my addiction when we first got married and she was very hurt. I convinced her that I will try to get better and I need her support, and she tried her best. However, she was unable to not be hurt by my relapses and it breaks my heart. She wants to stay strong but we both saw this is too much for her.

    I made the decision that I cannot keep doing this to her so instead of doing the right thing and rebooting properly I decided to take the coward’s way out and hide it from her. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her right?

    Now, 3 years into our marriage, I jump through hoops and go to extreme lengths to hide the truth every time I relapse. My lies are out of control and I feel so despicable. Sometimes I put the blame on her if I can’t perform properly during sex when I know it’s because I relapsed earlier that day.

    Crazy thing is that it’s not even protecting her! All it does is create a massive amount of excruciating guilt in my heart. The guilt turns into anger and disappointment in myself. The anger ends up being taken out on my surroundings - which includes her. full circle.

    She tried to help, we tried hard mode, we tried soft mode, I always fail and she always suffers. It’s never ending and I am mentally exhausted. The guilt is exhausting. My hypocrisy is exhausting.

    I want to come clean but then what? I fail some more and hurt her again? I’d rather suffer alone than keep hurting her like this.

    Sorry I needed to vent. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think this will end our marriage. We honestly cannot live without each other, but this is a massive point of stress for us.

    Now on 8th day of PM. Let’s hope, as always, that it will stick this time.
    Brave Wolf and Deleted Account like this.
  2. Antenor38

    Antenor38 Fapstronaut

    I get what you're saying. It's like you've described my story. Been married for 2 years and confessed everything to my wife while we were still dating. She was a great support and I managed to be clean for a couple of months while we were dating. But my relapses hurt her too much and after some time in marriage I stopped confessing to her, just to stop hurting her. But yes, I also feel like a hypocrite and my guilt and disappointment after relapse often turn into anger, and then we usually have some quarrel and I still end up hurting her. I don't know what is the best thing to do, should I confess and hurt her a lot, or should I still keep fighting my own battle and hurt her little by little while we argue...

    I'll try to find help here. Today, I've activated this account after many years and immediately I saw your story. I hope that NoFap will help me
    Brave Wolf likes this.
  3. LoloLaRoux

    LoloLaRoux Fapstronaut

    I just want to say that, from a SO of a PAs perspective (I'm also a recovering addict myself so I completely understand and empathize with the struggle), yes, your relapses hurt and are disappointing to us, but that's not what hurts us the most. What hurts us the most is the lying, the deceit, the gaslighting, the manipulation, the hiding your relapses from us. We would rather you relapse a thousand times over, and every time, tell us, even though it may hurt us instead of continue to lie to us, because you are not as subtle and sneaky as you like to think you are. We, as SOs, are intuitive, and already on high alert; the slightest, most subtle change in your behavior we can see from a mile away, and if you don't just come out and tell us the truth, the longer you hide it from us, the more damage you are doing to our mental, physical, and emotional health and well-being.
  4. FellatiousD

    FellatiousD Fapstronaut

    Your lies are hurting her more than your addiction. Your wife is selfish for not accepting that you are dealing with an immense problem. Keep being honest with her. But it sounds like you're losing your shit and dying of anxiety and guilt, so here's some advice: GET FUCKING SERIOUS. STOP RELAPSING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. You can stop all of this pain right now, so why aren't you? Don't hate yourself, but don't give yourself any excuses. At this point I can only HOPE for a loving wife - you are so god damn lucky to have one. I have absolutely no one special in my life, I'm completely alone and haven't had a girlfriend in years but I quit porn for almost 2 months. It makes me sick to hear that people have access to amazing passionate sex but they choose porn instead. Get real man, take control of your life.
    LoloLaRoux and marr708 like this.
  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Come clean and then do whatever it takes to never relapse again. Your wife loves you, that’s why it hurts her. You are choosing to pass your pain to her. Instead of dealing with your pain/anxiety/etc you choose to obtain release through pmo thus passing the pain to her. You pass the pain even when you hide it.
  6. dankestmemes

    dankestmemes Fapstronaut

    I know the feeling. I'm a married man too and abstaining from any ejaculations outside her vagina. That's my NoFap. Get some exercise and keep moving. You'll look and feel great, last longer in bed and best of all save all your cum for your wife's vagina where it belongs. She'll appreciate it too.
  7. myrealnameis

    myrealnameis Fapstronaut

    Hi All,

    Thank you for you supportive messages and kind advice. It’s good to also hear from the SO perspective.

    I read your replies throughout the day and had a think but I don’t feel I can come clean. I’ll admit it’s because I’m seriously scared. I remember the number of times I ‘came clean’ in the past and how it was followed with days of anger, awkwardness and frustration. Every time I come clean she wants to find out why and what happened: why did I not actively try to stop it from happening, why did I not seek her support to take my mind off it etc. I always have no response. I end up going completely silent with shame which upsets her even more. It’s a horrible situation.

    Another reason I avoid telling her is because I am in denial. Every time I want to come clean I tell myself this incredible lie of “why come clean with bad news? Why not instead come out and say ‘hey I passed 90 days of no PM?’ Wouldn’t that be a nice surprise? You’re already on day 9 and things are looking good! This might be the one!” ...But the day where I surprise her with the good news never comes obviously.

    I am trying to keep busy and have successfully resisted the temptation when I was all alone today at home with my laptop. I feel proud and motivated, maybe the lie with become true?
  8. FellatiousD

    FellatiousD Fapstronaut

    Don't let her dominate the situation with her reaction. You have 100% of the explanatory power, and she doesn't know what you're going through.

    Because then all she will think is "so he WAS doing it 90 days ago but he told me that he wasn't." Or some shit like that.

    It will never be a nice surprise. Because when you bring it up even in a positive context, she will still compare it to all the times you lied to her and confessed your addiction. But guess what - if you never talk about it again she will just assume that you don't love her and that you are still doing it. You don't think that she isn't constantly thinking about it and worrying about it? Just because you stopped telling her doesn't mean that she forgot. She will never forget and she will always hold it against you unless you step the fuck up and start acting like a man.

    When you cut off communication you make a choice. Ask yourself: do people REALLY know you? Or do they just assume things about you? If she knew what a horrible issue porn addiction is, then she would be more understanding. But honestly dude, you better stop right now, seriously. Just don't jerk off anymore.

    I'm probably more hostile than I should be because I spend most of my free time reading posts and trying to help people out and it gets depressing and I think I need a break. Good luck man.
    LoloLaRoux likes this.
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    No, she is not selfish. She is immensely hurt that her husband is actively betraying her. He is choosing to look at and release his sexual energy with other women, real and imagined. He is not choosing recovery, he is choosing his addiction. And he is choosing to lie to her. That is betrayal on all fronts.
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    What kinds of things are you doing to pursue recovery? Are you white knuckling it or have you sought out real recovery efforts such as an accountability partner, a 12 step program, or therapy to help you find what the deeper issues are. Until you choose to go into active recovery, you will continue to relapse.

    Your wife has every right to be hurt by your actions. You are choosing your addiction over your health, over your wife, and over your relationship. Even if you don't tell her, she knows. She probably doesn't know the extent, but she knows it's going on. It's a ticking time bomb if you don't take steps to get it under control.
  11. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    This makes me sad and angry to read as an SO. I am sad for her because she is being lied to, gaslighted, and sexually and emotionally neglected and yet still trying to help you!

    Have you ever tried to think of how you would feel if the roles were reversed? If she couldn't get wet for you and rejected you because she already jerked off to porn or slept with other men---then blamed you!! And what if you thought she was in recovery when all along she kept the secret behind your back that she was sneaking out with other men, going to male strip clubs, and jerking to porn? Would you be more upset that you were manipulated, lied to, and made to feel undesirable and less than or because she was looking at naked men with big schlongs while rubbing one out? I mean, they both suck but one is adding fuel to the fire, man.

    Porn addiction is not just looking at porn! Addiction (to anything) is hiding it, lying about it, changing your life around it, and manipulating and blaming others to continue to do the addiction.

    I am not sure how any marriage is strong enough to endure lying, no trust, depression, no healthy sex life, sabotage, gaslighting, anxiety, and addiction. I think you need more help than you have sought! You are in denial BIG TIME. You also need to RESET that ticker, buddy. Multiple relapses and yet still 500+?? Nope, not the way this works.

    What have you done to try and overcome this addiction besides white knuckling it? Do you have filters, an accountability partner, therapy, counseling, or anything else in place??

    **Everyone has their breaking point. It might not be now or even the next time, but it will come. Maybe she won't divorce you, but she could just go out and get hers and focus on herself and ignore you while living in the same house. Seems familiar, huh?
  12. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

    She is going to start complimenting you for your alleged progress - that you know is a lie.

    The praise from your wife during your lies will amount to shame and stress. Shame and stress leads to relapse.

    Your actions are keeping you in an unwinnable cycle. She will eventually catch up to you and confront you if you keep acting out. The consequences may be more drastic than "hurt feelings".

    If you do not want to confess about your past relapses, then don't. But get yourself out of the cycle. If you are no longer relapsing, then you are no longer lying, gas-lighting, etc.
  13. myrealnameis

    myrealnameis Fapstronaut

    Thank you this. I am currently white-knuckling it because my previous efforts revolved around using my SO as an accountability partner and that did not go well. I also tried talking to a doctor about it (which was the most embarrassing and uncomfortable thing I ever did, worst than coming clean to my wife). The doctor looked confused and did not know what to do and ended up passing me to a gambling addiction clinic. Clearly there is not a proper system in place for people like us which was a major let down. I felt I went through all that embarrassment for nothing. In the end thought it might be best to go through this alone. At the end of the day this is my demon and there will be times where it will only be me around so I need to learn how to face it myself rather than relying on a support system. Not sure if that makes sense. I mean I actively try to get out of the house more often, do some sports etc. so I dont just lazy around in front of a computer and hope for the best. So I am taking active steps - not sure if this counts as 'active steps'? In any case I think there are a number of people on this forum who are in my same position so I might give accountability partner another go.

    Thank you for your comment. Somehow this resonated with me. Will keep trying and take more active steps.
    Veritech likes this.
  14. RavenCrow

    RavenCrow Fapstronaut

    Porn addiction is self serving to you. Lying and covering it up.. self serving to you. Not wanting to admit the destruction in front of you.. self serving to you. Blaming her for feeling pain... self serving to you. Not willing to "hurt her"?.. lying to yourself when you are hurting her by doing it without her consent.. then lying to cover it up.. don't want to sit with her while she processes the lies, deceit , the fact she is staying with you because she loves you..even though you dont have enough respect for her to be faithful? That she can't even trust you because she knows you are hiding.. she knows you are blaming her for feeling pain you caused. You have a gift right in front of you. A woman who is staying and you have been only self serving to yourself. Addiction does that..and you are not owning up and being courageous. I know this is harsh but you need to hear it. You cant take away her choice to know who she is married to. We stay with addicts because we hope they will change and find their self worth... but your wallowing is killing her. Will it hurt her to hear you keep watching porn? Yes. And why do think that hurts? Dude... its because she loves you and is choosing to stay. You caused the pain now own it. OWN IT. She didnt sign up for a faithless dishonest relationship... but it sounds like you have a good woman who is hoping that maybe someday you will see her value is the fact she stayed with a porn addict that only chooses himself in every way...while she is giving herself to you! Addicts Never think how his actions are destroying her ability to trust you. She deserves to know and hopefully you actually see that someday. Quit being self serving to only yourself. She's not happy... and I bet she is wondering if she is even enough... she isnt if you choose other women over her. She isnt valued enough for you to even be honest with her. You know why this is so hard for you? Because you only think of yourself. That's a one sided relationship and not fair to the woman you have. Its upsetting we have to be in a relationship with a man who is addicted to anything other than his partner. If addicts poured as much effort into being addicted to honesty ... to transparency.. to holding the value of another other than himself... you would actually know what it's like to be alive. Lying never makes her feel safe. Porn addiction makes her feel horrible. Choosing to protect yourself and be so concerned with only your needs paints a picture that is not appealing. Earning back her trust is imperative. She didnt marry you with the idea she was going to be lied to and second fiddle to sexier women ... i have never met a person (Male or female) that said.. I am so glad my partner lusts after others. I'm so blessed that they lie and hide things from me. I am so thrilled that I am alone while in a relationship because the connection is never there. NOBODY WANTS THAT. ... if she was getting all her meds met somewhere else you would call her a ***** and feel like you weren't enough and you would wonder why she took you for granted. I could be wrong.. I might be the only one that feels you are treating yourself to cake.. hiding it in the closet and saying.. I never ate that cake! If it was the other way around... you would he mad she let other men eat her cake.. and you know it. Sorry... I really am. I am in a relationship with a man who minimizes everything blames me for everything. I couldn't f#$# the porn out of him. No amount of support or sex made him want to help me through my pain ... it was always take take take.. give me your cake and I'm gonna eat it.. and I'm gonna share my cake with hotter sexier women. And I should just be grateful that I vacuum the crumbs up? And believe him when he says... what crumbs? You are crazy woman...

    She knows..and you are not doing her any favors by lying. You are hurting your self and literally f&*#ing yourself over. She wants a MAN.. so be one.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2020
  15. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    For a start, find a 12 step program near you. They are much more common than you think and do not cost anything.

    Here are links to find meetings near you.
  16. hope4healing

    hope4healing Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Yes, of course she's angry and hurt and wants to find out what the $^#@ happened and why you didn't do anything to stop it! That's what you promised you'd do, and you didn't. She isn't the one who should be asking those are. But, since you aren't, she doesn't feel like she has much choice since this addiction is destroying your marriage.

    As @EyesWideOpen said, this is betrayal is every way. The fact that you use her reaction to the truth against her is not only sad, but it's such addict-minded thinking. I think you truly want to stop hurting your wife, but you aren't willing to give up the addiction to do it. And, that really sums it up, actually. You have to want to respect your wife/marriage more than you want to protect your addiction. Until then, not much will change. Here's an article that may have something helpful...
    RavenCrow and GID2020 like this.
  17. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    @myrealnameis thank you for being open an honest with at least us on here, (or it appears you are). This is one step in the right direction.

    There is some great wisdom already being shared in this thread. There is also some not so good advice, but understandably so, many of us come from personal pain and sad experience. I hope you take what is helpful.

    Like most addicts we are incapable of expressing empathy and truly understanding the heart of another. All of our denial, self-loathing, self-serving, is all about self-preservation. (Feeding the monster.) It is nearly impossible to see our situation from others point of view. Our focus is on MY needs and desires.

    I know it is cliché, but the real secret to sobriety is taking it one day at a time. The secret to honest recovery is connection.
    Connection to people, connection to reality, connection to TRUTH.

    As we work on just today, being honest and true. Practicing empathy and eliminated selfishness. Then today will be successful.

    Next string those days together into weeks, then months, then years and finally a lifetime of recovery. It starts with today.

    I wish you the utmost success in your goals. Keep being real here with us It will help you in the long run. There is hope in healing! Hang in there!
    mrtumnus and hope4healing like this.
  18. Sawako Kuronuma

    Sawako Kuronuma Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    No matter how many times you fail, it’s always best to work together and confide in her. Just like my partner, she would definitely know when you’re lying and faking something, if you go the alone route you not only betray trust but also hurt your way relationship worse than if you were open.

    In my relationship we’ve tried a lot of things and the one thing that has hurt more than anything so far, was lying to him. I don’t have answers as what to do, but I know the most important thing you can do is be completely open and honest with her about everything, including your struggle.

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