I already told her about my addiction when we first got married and she was very hurt. I convinced her that I will try to get better and I need her support, and she tried her best. However, she was unable to not be hurt by my relapses and it breaks my heart. She wants to stay strong but we both saw this is too much for her. I made the decision that I cannot keep doing this to her so instead of doing the right thing and rebooting properly I decided to take the coward’s way out and hide it from her. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her right? Now, 3 years into our marriage, I jump through hoops and go to extreme lengths to hide the truth every time I relapse. My lies are out of control and I feel so despicable. Sometimes I put the blame on her if I can’t perform properly during sex when I know it’s because I relapsed earlier that day. Crazy thing is that it’s not even protecting her! All it does is create a massive amount of excruciating guilt in my heart. The guilt turns into anger and disappointment in myself. The anger ends up being taken out on my surroundings - which includes her. full circle. She tried to help, we tried hard mode, we tried soft mode, I always fail and she always suffers. It’s never ending and I am mentally exhausted. The guilt is exhausting. My hypocrisy is exhausting. I want to come clean but then what? I fail some more and hurt her again? I’d rather suffer alone than keep hurting her like this. Sorry I needed to vent. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think this will end our marriage. We honestly cannot live without each other, but this is a massive point of stress for us. Now on 8th day of PM. Let’s hope, as always, that it will stick this time.