Counselor told my partner porn is not the issue

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Mar 28, 2017.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I finally got my partner to see a therapist. We picked a practice that has great sex counselors that deal with DE. However my partner had to see a psychiatrist before he saw the counselor that's how the practice works. She told him that because he did not look at porn for three to four hours a day that it was not an issue for him and because he had stopped for 30 days clearly he's not addicted. But here's the thing when he stopped the porn the DE he suffered for for a year was gone! Not to mention that he did it in secret and lied to me for 10 months having a huge effect on me and our relationship. I am furious. He told me he is still not going to look at it as he thinks it's bad for us but I can tell already he's back sliding. He's now saying really he overcame the DE cause he could relax more but that's not true. And now he's saying well you told me to get counseling and that's what I did. I told him there will be no porn in our relationship and if he wanted that he needed to find another woman. I feel like the motivation or fear that he had that it was causing DE is now gone. The counselor that he is to meet with next said I could join. Do you think I should? I am so angry right now.
     
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  2. WhoIsThisPerson

    WhoIsThisPerson Fapstronaut

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    I think you should find another counselor!!!! Yikes. That's what I would do anyway. My SO is going to a therapist who specializes in sex/porn addiction as the therapist recovered from it himself... I am also now seeing a therapist myself for trauma and I mentioned the porn issue over the phone with her before I met her to make sure she would agree that porn use makes for unhealthy relationships. There is a LOT of science backing up that individual porn use in relationships leads immediately to less satisfaction with sex and your partner... I wish I had the studies at hand, but they are easy to find. The only study I found that showed porn is not necessarily damaging is when the couple used it together, but not alone. At this stage I wouldn't touch porn with a ten foot pole, especially having an addict as a partner. NO THANKS.

    Anyway-- look for CSAT credentials if you can -- Certified Sex Addiction Therapist-- or at least someone who has additional training in Sex Addiction. If nothing else, you can always ask what their stance on porn is before you visit.

    I'm so sorry you went through that, I would be furious! What a ridiculous standard to base addiction on-- 3-4 hours a day?? wtf.

    PS Not to insinuate anything-- but I would also make sure your SO wasn't minimizing the problem to her. Sometimes I think my SO acts like it's not that serious when it is.
     
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  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    That's very disappointing. Nothing takes away a person's momentum than to hear from a person in authority that their behavior is normal and not harmful. It justifies their behavior and enables their addiction. Just to be clear this is the psychiatrist and not his therapist, right? Hopefully the therapist is more knowledgeable.

    Here's a link to the studies linking porn use with sexual dysfunction: www.yourbrainonporn.com/studies-reported-relationships-between-porn-use-or-porn-addictionsex-addiction-and-sexual

    Here's a link to the studies that explains how porn addiction is a real addiction: www.yourbrainonporn.com/research-articles-and-abstracts

    Here's a recent study that talked about a third category of users (addicts, non-addicts, and at-risk-addicts). At risk users only use porn when things get stressful and don't have the daily compulsion that traditional addicts experience. - www.jsm.jsexmed.org/article/S1743-6095(16)30842-6/fulltext
     
    ClearChrystal likes this.
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much. Yes it was the psychiatrist not the counselor who said it. I plan on going with him to the counselor to make sure she understands. Right my partner wants it not to be the porn causing the problem and he will look for any reason for it not to be that. Not just because he wants to keep looking at porn but if it's another issue particularly a physical one then he can absolve himself of some guilt otherwise he's been the sole cause of our bad sex life, his choice to use porn. And the last study you sent is spot on him. Thanks again!
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for all of your advice. I think it's part the counselor not being well educated and part him not being honest with her or even himself about how much he was looking at it and why. At first he told me it was one time (on which I called bs) but then he said every now and again but he will never give me an exact answer he says he does not recall but from what I can piece together it was at least once a week for two or three hours. So it was a regular habit. It's like people say you are not an alcoholic unless you need to drink everyday or if you can stop without an issue for a short period of time. But plenty of people are binge alcoholics that only drink on weekend but overtime they become full blown alcoholics. It's about the relationship you have with the drug. And plenty of addicts are clean for periods of time with no issue. For my partner it's only been a month!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  6. It's really awful how so many counselors don't understand sex addiction. We've been through this too.

    Part of it can be minimizing on the part of the addict as well.

    I saw an article (somewhere - I forget now) that mentioned its okay to educate the therapist. If the therapist is open to learning, then they will take an interest in expanding their knowledge to help the client(s).
     
    GG2002 likes this.

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