Couple sex life troubles...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Ddoc13, May 5, 2017.

  1. Ddoc13

    Ddoc13 Fapstronaut

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    Hi there all of you!

    I wanted to open this thread because it's something that really bothers me, especially while fighting PMO. I'd appreciate to have your thoughts on this or share your experience in a similar situation if you've been through one.

    Here is what I wrote about this in my journal log:

    This morning I woke up grouchy again. I want my sexual relief! I really want it!

    Maybe my problem is that i think too much about that. I think too much about how I want to have sex with my girlfriend. Especially this week, as I am home alone all the time and I am fighting this stupid addiction.

    I am wondering if I am not transferring my cravings for jerking to craving for having sex with my GF. Is it possible that I am not only addicted to PMO but also to sex by itself? I don't know... But it is really hard to resist to those cravings.

    The problem is that my gf isn't very sexual at this moment. I don't know why... She used to be much more sexually active some time ago but since a few months it's not the same. We both have no explanation about it. She feels really bad about that and every time I bring up the subject she gets very sad. She says that she is still very attracted to me but it is as if she had no libido at all, no sexual drive to initiate an intercourse.

    We had some trouble in our relationship last week but it everything is going back to normal already. And this no sex drive thing started before that. We are also going through some difficult moments at work, I mean difficult decisions to take, lots of work without much result. Maybe that's also playing a role on our sex life.

    I sometimes also ask myself if what she says, that she is still attracted to me, is true. It's been more than 5 years now that we are together and I am not one of the most attractive guys out there. Is it possible that uncounsciously she wants some change at that level? I know that she still loves me as before and I am sure she doesn't want another guy in her life, but is it possible she is no more sexually attracted and aroused by me? Maybe she is not saying it because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings...

    Anyway it really hits me on the nerve. All day long I am waiting for the evening to come so that she comes home and we would make love, but it never happens that way. We have dinner, we speak, we have fun, everything is fine. And the moment we go to bed it changes because I want to make love and she wants just to cuddle and watch a movie and sleep. It's not that it's a bad thing, I love doing that, but my sex drive is so strong...

    At that point either I say nothing and she is fine, but I go crazy in my mind, from angry to sad and frustrated, either I try to initiate something and at that point she gets sad and angry at me for not understanding her...

    This kind of situation in bed bothers me a lot. I get all nervous and frustrated and I realize that this is in no way helping her to overcome the issue, but I can't help it. Most of the time I try to say nothing and not show my sex drive because I know it would make her sad and feel bad. But this way I close myself in and I get really cold and upset. At that point she'll ask me what's wrong and I'll pretend to be tired, but I am sure she knows something is wrong... Just don't want to hurt her. I really want to suppress my urge and desire but I can't no matter how hard I try. I'd also rationalize that "it is physiological, there is nothing wrong about having desire to have sex with my girl, it is not as if I wanted to do it 3 times every night"... And in contrast to the arguments that I used when I wanted to PMO these ones seem valid and not so wrong...

    All this bothers me because when she is in the mood everything is as it was before, we have great sex as always. But if some months ago we used to have sex 3-4 times a week, now it's once a week at best.

    I am asking myself if the problem isn't coming from me. Maybe it's my addiction speaking again? I can't get my sexual relief from PMO so I expect to get it from my gf instead and in some invisible way I repulse her. I don't know... But that wouldn't explain why we used to have more sex before? And I started my PMO abstinence much after all this started."

    All this aside, I feel really motivated to continue staying away from PMO. I want to get it out of my life for good. Hopefully doing that will also change the way I feel about having sex with my girl and my sex drive. Maybe it will also help her with her libido in some indirect way.

    Thank you for reading all this!
     
  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Does she know about your issues with PMO and have you had problems in the bedroom with her, meaning ED, DE or PE?
     
  3. Ddoc13

    Ddoc13 Fapstronaut

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    Yes she knows about my problem, however she was really hurt when I first spoke about that with her and I think she minimizes the trouble. Also, knowing how much it hurts her to know what i am doing I tend not speak about the issue and I may have lead her to believe that I already control it even though I don't...

    Never had any PMO related trouble in bed. She is the one that has the tendency to have delayed or difficult to achieve orgasms. Despite that sex has always been great and still is...
     
  4. Schnabel

    Schnabel Fapstronaut

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    i'll jump in here and confirm your findings. I had the same experience during my cold turkey No-PM approach. I was sooo freaking horny and wanted sex all day ... well, it worked and at first we had sex like 2+ times a day but after some days my SO got ill and we were down to zero day after day after day. And this really made me mad. I got angry and frustrated. And I was dissatisfied to a degree, that really started threatening my relationship; seriously! Well, my solution obviously was to allow myself to M. It took me some weeks to get on a normal level (reasonable amount of sex and No-M for most of the week).

    long story short: I can feel you here bro ... but be assured those urges will fade away
     
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  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Okay that helps. I can say this guys don't realize this but when you are PMOing you treat us totally differently. Oftentimes we know something is just quite not right but we are unsure what. It usually stems from lack of an intimate emotional connection which is something we women need to feel sexual. In reading your post I get the feeling you are replacing pmo with her or trying to and that makes her feel like an object. Often times if you ask an addict if you sex is good there will say sure no issues but if you ask the SO she will tell you there is zero intimacy during sex she does not feel you are present with her and does not enjoy that. You may not notice and you are not consciously doing it but if you are replacing pmo with her I can pretty much guarantee she does not enjoy it. I don't think she's minimizing it I think she has no clue and you won't tell her because you say you don't want to hurt her.
     
  6. Ddoc13

    Ddoc13 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your replies, they are of great importance to me!

    @Schnabel thank you for sharing your story, I hope it is all in the past now for you and you are happy with your relationship. Be strong!

    @GG2002, thank you too for your reply, as a SO you sure have a different point of view on the problem and I really appreciate your help

    Maybe my previous post wasn't clear enough or maybe it is my denial speaking again but I think I've never objectified my girl as a sex object. Not before I realized about my addiction and definately not after.

    I have probably objectified many girls in my mind and fantasies, however I don't think I've ever done that in my real life. I've been raised to be a gentleman and i've always tried to be one. I also have been told by girls that they find me careful and gentle.

    The same goes for our sex life. Though I have been watching various hardcore scenes over the time, I have never wanted to do that in bed, with the girl I love... For me intimacy is also very important and I've always tried to be gentle and loving in bed, as well as outside of it. I really don't think I would replace PMO with her, even unconsciously, because for me these have always been two different things. But I don't forget that I am still an addict and an addict's perceptions are blurred.

    You are right about the fact that I don't speak a lot about my PMO troubles with her but she surely has a clue about that and knows. I just don't want to bring it up every day...

    I said i think she minimizes it because sometimes when we won't have sex she would say "I don't give you enough sex, I am sorry. But you'll jerk off tomorrow anyway". As if it is something normal and ok to do. And I don't want to jerk off tomorrow, I want her, I want to be there with her and make love. And she won't understand that I want that and it doesn't matter, if she is not in the mood we just won't do it the same day, we'll cuddle and hug and that's fine by me. And we can try that again tomorrow or whenever she is in the mood.

    But when she says "you'll just jerk off tomorrow" it hits me, because it's a powerful argument for rationalizing. And it gets me angry and frustrated, as if all my efforts to stop don't matter...
     
  7. Hi! Another SO here. That thing she says is a very clear indication of her being very hurt by your PMO. She may not say it out loud, but knowing how she feels and hearing that, I can assure you, her not wanting to have sex with you has nothing to do with her sex drive. Women have high sex drive just like men do... when we feel loved, appreciated, attractive, safe, desired, connected, etc. When we don't feel these things we simply protect ourselves from getting emotionally hurt. Yes, we get emotionally hurt from sex without the above checklist being part of it. Meaning, we can have "disconnected" sex and appear to enjoy it, because at the moment we are simply reacting to some physical stimulus, but right after O we may start to cry, because we feel violated after realizing we just agreed to have sex while our emotional side was totally neglected. After experiencing that a few times with our partner, we just don't want to have *that kind of sex* anymore, so it appears that our sex drive has died. Well, it hasn't. We just refuse to continue to feel bad.
    If your GF knows about your PMO now, she may be traumatized, feel ugly, feel unloved, feel like she has to compete with porn women, and a host of other feelings. She probably imagines what goes on in your mind during sex, and she does not like what she imagines. Her reaction is perfectly normal. She probably needs healing as much as you do, if not more. It has been proven on this forum alone, that guys typically start feeling the benefits of noFAP and it makes them feel better, while their SOs are actually feeling worse. Give her time to heal too. Invite her to this forum to get help. Be open and honest with her about your noPMO journey. And, most of all, understand that PMO affects both partners and both will require healing, and it takes time to re-connect, or even connect for the first time (as is a case for me and my BF).
    I wish you the best in your healing journey :)
     
  8. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    See and all this makes me wonder if sex during a reboot is the right way to go. Don't get me wrong FINALLY my bf in reboot isn't like having to deal with some perverted sex robot that won't stop. I am not a person who takes very long to climax and then I want to cuddle in a ball a die happy. Omg the marathon crap I've had to endure prior to rebooting, it was what turned me off sex completely in the first place once I made the correalation to what in the hell was actually occurring. In reboot we are in sync, sex was great for the most part but the mood swings when he wasnt getting it were ridiculous. I laid awake all night one night bc I was waiting to see if he tried to sneak in a m session thinking I was asleep. Unfortunately or fortunately however you look at it, I got zero sleep in my watch state and he rolled around like a damn log snoozing. Who the hell does that? I hate being so on edge I then have to be this mega watch dog bc my mind won't let me not be. Then I'm tired and angry all day.....
    The thought process of "well you'll just jerk one out anyway" I've had a million times in 4 years....it is bc we feel like we are F-ed, damned if you do and damned if you don't.
     
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  9. MaxHeadroom

    MaxHeadroom Fapstronaut

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    I went through a similar issue with my wife (not related to porn or rebooting). Our sexual interactions became spaced out longer and longer between each one to the point that it was months sometimes before we would even be intimate with each other. She lost motivation to do even just daily things and was very distant.

    I finally snapped one day and told her that I was not going to be that guy that is celibate for 50 years in a sexually unfulfilled marriage and that I was genuinely concerned that it was a medical or mental problem causing it. We took her to the doctor and sure as hell she was diagnosed with depression. They put her on some anti-depressant meds and her sex drive came roaring back, she was more motivated than she had been in years and was her old self again.

    Point here...it's not always the mundane/boredom of being in a relationship for a long time and being use to the same person etc. that causes libido issues. Sometimes it is an actual medical issue causing libido problems.
     
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  10. Ddoc13

    Ddoc13 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate your help!

    Thank you @novibe and @Bel for being such wonderful SO for your guys who are struggling with this addiction. I am sure that they appreciate it as much as I do and even more and I hope that everything will come in order for us all.
    @Bel, I am so sorry that you had to spend that horrible night awake and afraid your bf may fap. I hope it never happens again. We boys can be such assholes sometimes... Please forgive us...

    I just wanted to share that today me and my girl, we spent the a really nice day together even if we had a lot of work to do from home. We were really close and that was very very cool.

    And we had sex! (No, the day wasn't so great only for that!) It was the most amazing, loving, gentle sex we had since a long time ago... I really think that my girl genuinely enjoyed it. And for me it was such an experience. I think it's the first time I really experienced such a thrill, I was concentrated only on the moment and my thought was only how I wanted to be intimate, close and loving during that time, how I only wanted to give my girl all my love and give her pleasure. And it was so worth it! Now I am even more motivated to continue that journey of P less life and concentrate on what is real and worth it. I don't need that P shit in my life no more!

    Thank you all for your replies once again, they really help me become a better man and defeat that stupid addiction.

    I know that today it was just a battle and the war is far from being won, but every little thing is getting me forward! I hope I would manage to progress more and more.
     
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  11. That is so great to hear, @Ddoc13 :) I'm so happy for you two. It is so nice to read your words in how you describe the experience. Sounds like you are well on your way to recovery. Keep it up and amazing things will happen.
     
    Bel likes this.
  12. Chris14

    Chris14 Fapstronaut

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    I can speak from experience here their is nothing wrong with with wantin to be physically with the one you love constantly, I know I do. The problem comes in when you get these feelings when you don't get sex, I used to get them so bad I couldn't sleep or I go to the bathroom and jerk off quick. My point is if one night or one week or even one month without sex effect you in such a negative way then yes you are using sex as a p sub or your a sex addict either way needs to change to have a healthy relationship. Wither you know it or not if you have any resentment at all about not getting laid your SO will pick up on that, trust me mine did. That can be affecting her labito along with the resentment she has about your porn addiction. You can be the most caring and understanding person out there doing this shit is still cheating.I'm just gonna assume you spent more time watching porn then romancing the one you love how would that make you feel? I mean think if you knew she was touching herself to a buck of videos of a bunch of random guys everyday, it would make you insecure. So my advice just be with her show her she comes first for once because any SO that supports a PA deserves that. Give her a massage, cuddle, my SO love when I pet or just mess with her hair, ask her what she likes and do it, make her feel like she is the only woman in the world, make her feel like she is in a John legond song but just go to bed every night assuming no sex go in with the expiation that tonight is about her and only her and then when she is ready it will happen. That should help change her drive as well that did wonders for me and my SO but I still go to bed with that mindset. Then when you get any negative emotions because you are craving sex you have to kill them, I have donever the cold shower a few times that works good, the biggest thing is for me was no caffeine in the afternoon that over energized and sexualized me. But man just tell yourself no sex and make it about her, I find it extremely rewarding for me as well as her and I think it has helped me and my SO bond on a higher level in the past few weeks. Best of luck to you man hope I was helpful.
     
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