CowardlyLion’s Relationship Reboot Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by CowardlyLion, Oct 23, 2018.

  1. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Br1 R1 and Jennica like this.
  2. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 188 & Day 189
    Had a long day at work on Monday. Luckily I got to spend most of my time in the morning with my girl. When I got home from work she was really excited to see me before falling back to sleep.
    Today was a weird day. It was almost entirely full of good moments, but there was a major trigger for my girl that set a couple of conversations into motion. In the end, I think we came out of it feeling more secure in the relationship. Dr. Doug Weiss did say that every trigger is an opportunity to grow closer. I think that those who are willing to work hard at things will get the rewards they work for. It took me a long time to realize that a good life comes from hard work.
    The rest of the day was very pleasant. We did some shopping and then spent the rest of the night cuddling and playing video games. I’m very happy with this version of my life. I don’t ever want the old one again.
  3. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 190, Day 191, Day 192, & Day 193
    These past couple of days have been very intense for me. My work day was incredibly long on Wednesday. I had a staff meeting I put together. There were a lot of issues at my job that I was trying to take care of, since I was the supervisor. In the end, there was a lot of fighting and it took me some time to try and calm down some of the employees. I came home to my lovely girl, who was asleep. Usually she’s excited to spend time with me. She was when I woke her up but then I did something without thinking that triggered one of her phobias (don’t want to mention details in case anyone else has it at well). It ended up upsetting her so that was the end of our night.
    Thursday was another meeting I was dreading at work. I had been working as much as I could but I wasn’t able to get all of the information that my boss and her boss had requested of me. To be fair, what they required of me was pretty unreasonable. I couldn’t really take the pressure and went outside to call my fiancé. We discussed things, and I quit my job on the spot. I went home to be comforted, which I was. Unfortunately the rest of the day got a lot worse.
    We went out shopping, which was a really nice time. I was about to leave the last store with my fiancé I heard a familiar voice and turned to see the back of the head of my ex. I immediately panicked, grabbed my girls arm and tugged her in the other direction. She knew something was up, but I didn’t answer her until we got outside. She said “you’re acting like you just saw someone you know”. I nodded. “Oh’s wasnt your ex was it?” And I nodded again.
    My ex is a huge trigger for her. She immediately turned and said “oh we are going BACK in there”. I shook my head and acted like a coward. I was afraid. I didn’t want the day to get worse. But it was already too late for that. She told me “if you think I’m hotter than her, you will go introduce me right now”. I shook my head “that’s not it”.
    But I had already lost. I took her back to the car. We sat in the parking lot. She was pissed, and rightfully so. I felt like the biggest failure, the most cowardly, and unable to defend my girl. I have a history of not standing up for her. And I failed her again. The night was pretty bad in the end.
    When we woke up the next day and it was more of us trying to reconcile things. We had our ups and downs. But it ended badly. She just wanted to feel beautiful. Something I have failed at for so long.
    Today...things have been improving. But I’ve been incredibly depressed. We went to Ikea to get some new furniture. Then we did some thrifting. We came home. And we’ve been talking a lot. She’s struggling because she loves ME. But she needs to feel beautiful. And she wants to be with me. But she wants the attention of men to make her feel pretty. We’ve dealt with this for a long time. And I’ve been unable to come up with a solution. Since being sober, she’s said I’m the most amazing person in the world. But she can’t get over the basic need of feeling beautiful. And I don’t blame her for that. I know I caused this. I know that she feels this way because of me. I would give anything for her to know that she’s the most beautiful girl in the world to me. But I’ve only ever proven the opposite to her. Because I was a fool. I’m going to do everything in my power to work at this relationship. I only hope God gives me the strength and the wisdom to turn the pain I’ve caused around.
    Katrina Rose and Deleted Account like this.
  4. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 194 & Day 195
    These days continue the same. I've felt some kind of way I haven't been able to describe. Some of it has been dread. Some of it has been depression. Some of it is shame. I've been trying to pray as much as possible. I don't know if I'm praying for the things that I should be. I've been more selfish. I wasn't even paying attention to how selfish I was being. My fiance' continues to feel hurt. She's begun engaging in her anorexic behavior. It's hard to face myself knowing that I've made her feel this way. But honestly, what have I done to help? Nothing. She's right about that. It's been rough to see the pain she's in. But I still can't make this about me. Because it's not about me. I've been engaging my recovery. I've remained sober for almost 200 days now. I need to turn away from myself and look outward to the way I influence the people directly around me. I can't change the world. I can't make all of the pornography in the world go away. I can't make everyone love all types of women. What I could have done was jump out of bed and go straight to doing research on making her feel beautiful. Instead, I went to work on my stupid YouTube channel. Selfish. Completely and utterly selfish.
    I don't deserve a woman like her. But then, most of us sex addicts don't deserve the women we're with. Something a long-time member of SA and AA told me was "One thing about us sex addicts...we always have the most amazing wives. Women who put up with all of our garbage. But they're still with us. And God knows we don't deserve it". I take for granted how perfect my life is with my girl in it. I was in a downward spiral before I met her. I continued into that spiral when I was with her. I took her down with me. I dragged her to the bottom of the bottom, while she continued to try and swim up towards the surface. Really, it was just a fruitless effort. She was never going to make it to the surface. But it didn't stop her from trying. Now, I've let my grip loosen, so she can finally make her way to the top. But she's in the deepest, darkest part of the ocean. She doesn't know which way is up.
    I suppose at this point I'm just rambling on. The fact is, as we all know, addicts are destructive. I know I need to steer away from this self-pity. She's hurting more than I ever have. I can't stand it when she cries. She's too damn perfect to cry. I miss her smile. I miss her glow. There are a lot of good days. More good than bad, these days. That was part of our decision in getting married.
    "We will get married when we have more good days than bad days"
    It's tremendously sad. It was never supposed to be like this. And even still. As I write this, I hear her adorable voice from behind me. Just talking about cute nothing. Just being herself. While still hurting to her very core. She is strong. She is the strongest person I've ever met. I'm supposed to be the one who's strong for her. If I'm not, I'm going to lose her. If I can't make her feel beautiful, I'm scared she'll get too sick. I know I'm not supposed to try and control everything. But I need to do something. I need to fix the only problem that still hurts us. This is the ONLY thing left to fix. If this was solved, she'd be happy, finally. There would of course be reminders of how much of a jerk I was. The stupid horrible things I've done. The terrible ways I never stood up for her. But damn it, we could get past all of that if the person I was matched the person I claimed to be. If I was him now. If I was really him. If she could know she's the only person I ever want to be with for the rest of my life. If she could know there is no girl more beautiful than her on this entire planet. I want to grow old together. I want to meet God and Jesus together. I want our lives to be shared until the end. But because of my selfishness, my weakness, my delusions of grandeur, thinking I was better than everyone else, thinking I was different. Thinking I was the exception. I'm not sure how much more she'll be able to take.

  5. I’d suggest asking her to read this.

    My boyfriend doesn’t tell me anything besides “I love you” he tells me everything is going well and I know that he hates the pain he’s put me through. What you just said here is raw and truthful. I WISH I knew my mans inner thoughts and honestly I’d probably be able to trust him more if I knew what he was thinking.
    Katrina Rose and CowardlyLion like this.
  6. She followed you down, unknowingly but stayed with you.
    You can not push her back up from below. Think about who she thought she was getting together with before sinking, if she looks up and sees you swimming up to the light with openess, commitment to improving and love for her, she will follow. Show her who you are, what you can do, what you can be and that you love her like no other.
  7. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    @Freddiefox @Empty shell of a girlfriend

    Thank you both. I really appreciate your words. I'm going to continue doing what is best for her. I know I need to keep my self out of the equation this time. Something that honestly helped me was reading a bit of a pretty cliche's the sequel to "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", "Men Are Still From Mars, Women Are Still From Venus". Understanding how different men and women can be is really helpful. I know she doesn't need me to be completely emotional. But she does need me to understand her emotions. It's good to see the ways I can keep our relationship in balance.
  8. What you said about you understanding her emotions is key. I know for myself, I feel bipolar at times up and down up and down. When my boyfriend is able to be patient with me and actually listen to my feelings and try to understand them I feel validated and cared for.
  9. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 196 & Day 197
    These past two days have continued to be rough. I’ve got a cold or a post-nasal drip or something that has made me feel kind of crappy. Because of it I was acting a little too needy which was not a good way to make my fiancé feel very secure. We had a lot of small arguments yesterday. They started to weigh on me but I had resolve.
    Today I started the day great. I got up on time, got out of bed, and started my day. Shortly after that I needed a nap because I was still feeling a little crappy but the girl was happy nonetheless. I slept for a little bit before waking up and getting to work on some stuff. The day was going really well until I tried to get my fiancé to eat something. She almost did but then started feeling that she was too fat. This led her to a lot of bad feelings. Moments before that she had come up to me, threw her arms sound me and started kissing me, proclaiming that she finally felt like I was “back” and that our relationship was on the rise again. But the fear of being too fat for me took over. She hasn’t eaten a meal in about 3 days. I just want her to eat and be okay. I will love her no matter what. But I know that my words don’t mean anything. Only my actions do.
    Jennica likes this.
  10. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    This was beautifully written. Made me tear up knowing you accept some responsibility for her insecurities and desperately want to make amends.
  11. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Thank you. All of us addicts can understand the effects of our actions. It just depends on how hard we are willing to work on ourselves.
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  12. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 198 & Day 199
    Yesterday was our two year anniversary. And it was a great day. We worked really hard on being the best we could be. We talked. We spent time together. I was able to get my fiancé to eat Taco was a HUGE win. I did go see my psychiatrist’s nurse practitioner, who I hadn’t seen before. After discussing some things with her, I ended up feeling pretty depressed. But my girl helped me get over it pretty quickly. We went to the store and saw a couple of girls who would normally trigger my girl really badly. She made a comment with a small bit of anger, but was able to ground herself and continue on her way. I was incredibly proud of her. It’s true that time and work really help to heal these wounds.
    Today was another really great day. My fiancé was struggling again with feeling too heavy for me, but I explained to her how I felt. I told her the truth. No matter what happens, I am going to love her and find her beautiful. I’m going to stay with her forever. I am so grateful for her love and all of her strength in moving forward after what I put her through. She began to feel secure. It was nice. I know this may not last, but I’m going to keep building her security so she will continue to feel safe with me. After I was able to talk her through her thoughts on eating, we decided on getting a pizza and some wings. There is nothing in this world that can make me happier than my girl enjoying a large meal with me. We watched a movie, spent some quiet time together, and are now laying down for some rest.
    I thank God for the blessings He continues to shine upon me. I know I don’t deserve them, but I am so incredibly grateful.
    Jennica and Katrina Rose like this.
  13. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 200 & Day 201
    Yesterday was a very long day of a lot of cleaning around the house. My fiancé and I had a lot on our plate as far as chores go. We did as much as we could. She was spending a little bit too much time looking at screens, which can give her some stimulation issues. As a result, she wasn’t really able to sleep. I think she got a total of 4 hours, after falling asleep around 8pm. She stayed up from about midnight until I woke up around 6.
    Today started off a little rocky. We ended up missing church because I was being stupid and took out a bit of frustration on her. I apologized and we moved through it. She was so sleepy though. I had her lay down and rest around 4pm, and she’s been asleep for about 8 hours now. I hope she’ll be able to sleep through the night. I want her to catch up on her rest. She really needs it. I look over at her every once in a while and just admire how adorable she is. I remember that I only get to be happy with this woman because I’m sober. She woke up a couple of times and said some really cute and sweet things before going back to sleep. We will see how tomorrow goes. I’m going to do my absolute best to make it a wonderful day for her.
  14. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 202 & Day 203
    I’m trying really hard to remember what I did yesterday, but I honestly can’t remember. I know me and my girl watches some stuff together and I played some video games but that’s all I really remember. I think she was really tired again, so I let her nap. I also watched a few stand up comics which was nice.
    Today was a really really weird day. I don’t even quite know how to explain it. It was just...gray. Everything felt like it had a black and white filter on it. We were both very depressed. But we were still joking around quite a bit. I know my girl was going through some inner feelings. She confessed two things that she had been lying to me about since our relationship started. I was very proud of her for being able to, but she was beating herself up pretty badly. She said she wasn’t any better than my ex, who had cheated on me. I told her that she never betrayed me. Because it’s true. She really hasn’t. I’ve DEFINITELY betrayed her though. But she still beat herself up pretty hard about it. We ended up being very mentally separate from each other today, which is very unlike us.
    I’m hoping tomorrow brings a better day for us.
  15. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 204, Day 205, & Day 206
    It has been another difficult couple of days for us. My fiance' and I have been getting into a lot of little fights these past couple of days. Some of it was about me not being motivated enough to take care of my own issues. It's definitely an issue of mine and to make matters worse I don't do things that are important to my girl. I didn't think me cleaning the bedroom was incredibly important, but I realized (too little too late) that the reason it was important was because she wanted to spend time with me in this room as opposed to being in two separate rooms all the time. Our small fights can usually turn into pretty bad days, especially if I don't handle them as well as I should. We ended up having a better time at the end of the day though. I went to the store and bought another PS4 so that me and her could play the Elder Scrolls MMO together. We had been enjoying playing through Skyrim together and we wanted to be able to experience that type of game in a multiplayer setting. I've really been looking forward to trying it with her, but we haven't gotten around to it yet.
    Yesterday was another up and down sort of day. I didn't end up going to my SA meeting. I honestly can't remember a lot of what happened that day. It was all pretty much just another day of cleaning and chores and shopping. All things considered, we slept in the same room until my snores drove the fiance' insane. She sent me back to my bedroom where I retired for the night.

    Today was another day that was full of a lot of bad moments. We did our best to survive and handle everything that came our way. The triggers were especially difficult today, but we really worked hard in order to get past them as best as we could. I upset my fiance' and she decided to take off the accountability software I use. She's decided that she doesn't want to have much to do with me and my recovery. I understand why this is a good idea, I don't want her to be preoccupied with me when she needs to be helping herself to heal. But I really appreciate everything she does for me. I was a bit worried about not having anyone monitoring my access so I set up another Accountable2You account and added my parents and my sponsor. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Today has felt absolutely crappy. I hope that I can have the strength to turn tomorrow into a glowing day.
  16. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 207 & Day 208
    I totally messed up. Incredibly and stupidly horribly.
    The night before last, I said I was going to set up my accountability software and work on another project before I started playing video games. I did not follow that all the way through. I only added my sponsor to my accountability software after my partner asked me if I did. I told her no, and she laughed, saying she told me that was exactly what I was going to do. And she was right. I didn't fulfill everything I said I was going to do. I didn't follow through.
    So, we had a pretty bad morning yesterday. I went to my SA group. I stopped at Home Depot on the way home and bought some tools for the project I didn't finish. When I came home, my girlfriend and I talked. She was incredibly upset. And then she told me...if I wanted to be with her, I had to get rid of all of my video games. I was pretty devastated. Video games are definitely another addiction of mine, but I never thought I would end up letting them control me. I did though. I didn't take my recovery work seriously enough. I was angry. I was resentful. But I began packing them up.
    I wasn't acting like a man though. And all I could think of was "there has to be a way to prove to her I love her, but to keep the things that we love doing". And through the night I just froze up. I was a stupid child. A man caught in the headlights. And I said "I'm not going to sell them. I'm just going to put them in the closet". To which her stare back told me everything I needed to know. "I accept your decision". I went and sat on my bed. I realized what I had just done. I had told the woman I love more than anything in the world. ANYTHING. ANY THING. ANY. THING. That I cared more about my video games than I did about her. I stopped myself. I got out of the room, and I began moving the games to the car to sell.
    But it was too late. The damage was already done. Can you imagine the person you love more than anything hurting you like that? I know a lot of the SO's on here deal with that feeling all of the time. She gave me the choice. She said if I didn't sell the games, she was going to leave me. And as of right now...she has. I called my sponsor and two other fellows from my SA program to get some kind of advice. I made amends with my partner...I don't know what else to call her right now...we are essentially just roommates. I said what I needed to say. I talked openly and honestly. I explained why I was so stupid. And we both ended up going to bed.

    All of that could have been handled so much better. I could have made her feel secure. But I was just completely dumbstruck...but that wasn't the end of it all.
    Today, I woke up to a song playing on repeat. It is a song that will haunt me for the rest of my life every time I hear it. It was a song that lead my partner to one of the most devastating discoveries about a year ago. In fact, it was almost a year exactly. My partner packed up all of the things that were important to us from the relationship. Put all of it in a little box. And was going to donate it all. I saw a very special stuffed animal that I had gotten for her. I asked her if I could keep him. She said no...because it hurt too much. I respected her wishes. But it was killing me. I didn't want her to leave me.

    The rest of the day wasn't too bad. We left the house, got out, and did a lot of shopping and window shopping. We talked. We behaved as good friends. But there is still so much pain that I've caused. The very last thing we did for the day, was to drop off the bag of things at a donation place. We were both crying. It's insane how much we attach to objects. At the very last second, she asked for the stuffed animal back. We wanted to keep it after all. We couldn't part with meant too much to us. I was so glad. I was so happy that there was a shred of hope left for us.

    But as we began driving away, I realized that...I was wrong. She said that as much as it hurt...she needed me to take her seriously. If she said she was going to do something, she is going to do it. I need to know that my actions have consequences.

    She opened the window of the car.

    She held her stuffed animal.

    She hugged it tight.

    She said "I'm so sorry"

    And she threw him out the window.

    To see that happen broke my heart. Not for what the stuffed animal meant for me...but because of what it meant for her.
    And this is the kind of pain our disease causes the people we love. My heart broke. Her's has been shattered more times than I can count.

    We had a discussion when we got home. Things are starting to piece themselves back together. But we are nowhere near as happy as we have been. Not even close. We have been calling each other by first name. We've never done that. I've always called her "honey" or "baby". I made a decision earlier that I was going to try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. A 90-in-90. I modified that to be as realistic as possible, so I'm deciding to go to a meeting every day that I can. I went to an open AA meeting tonight.

    My partner doesn't know this, but after the meeting, I drove to the place where she threw the stuffed animal. I looked up and down the busy road. I couldn't find him. I don't know if she would have been mad if I came home with him. I think she would have been. It's important that I don't change her decisions. But I realized that I am an incredibly weak person. I've known this about myself since starting recovery. But I continue to see just how poorly I am able to cope with the actions I've done.

    Words mean nothing. But I've committed to myself that I am going to be the best man that I can be. We addicts tend to say that often. But I know deep inside that I will do everything it takes. I may slip. I may fall. Not with my sobriety, but in my actions as a man. But I am going to keep getting up, standing up, and moving up. My girl is worth it. She's worth every single bit of it.
  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    An SO , more than ANYTHING , wants to feel wanted , above anything . Not because we want control , or to prove that we have power , it’s to be able to STAY in a relationship where we hadn’t felt wanted or put first for a long time . Listen to this , maybe together ? Tony Robbins .
  18. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Thank you...I really appreciate this. It's just been such a horrible couple of days, and I know this is my how stupid was I?
    I just keep seeing the tears in her eyes, as she screamed "I'M SORRY" to her stuffed animal as she threw it from her hands.

    Damn this pain I keep causing.
  19. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 209 & Day 210
    These last few days have been more and more horrible as I try to work through my selfishness and character defects. I went to a Monday night meeting at my normal SA meeting. I talked a bit about my issues and gave some difficult information about my acting out...I talked to a few people afterwards.
    Went to my Tuesday night meeting as well. When I came home I talked to my partner about how much I needed to focus on God. I began reading more of my bible. I got tired and decided I was going to bed. She was lonely and asked if I would sleep in the room with her. I did.
    She woke me up in the middle of the night and was a bit distressed.

    I didn’t help her.

    I was falling asleep as she talked.

    That is one of the worst things I can do to her.

    She was so upset...I haven’t seen her that upset in a while. And she deserved to be. I helped her by asking her to read everything she could in her bible about Jesus. Eventually she got tired and fell asleep.

    I prayed until I fell asleep again. I pray that God will take care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of
  20. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Day 211
    The day wasn't so bad. We spent a lot of time together and I was doing everything I could to be a responsible man. I took charge as often as I could, and made some decisions. I had a flat tire on my truck so I got that taken care of. We went to Best Buy in order to pick up a heater for the house. She ended up not liking the one we ordered, so we just returned it. But it helped her feel very secure that I was the one handling the transactions. We looked at a whole bunch of video games together and I got pretty depressed. Because she doesn't want to stay in a relationship if there are video games involved. Even though she loves them as well. I just did my best to get over myself and realize there are more important things in still sucked though, seeing the excitement in her eyes when she spotted a really cool game she would love to play. Or seeing a beautiful TV in ultra HD like "imagine how that game would look on this TV". She wasn't being mean or anything like that. She just really enjoys video games too.

    When we got home, we got into my bed and watched a little bit of a movie. She started to fall asleep on me as I held her. I got her comfortable, tucked her in, and then we went to bed together. We woke up in the middle of the night and migrated to the other room, where it was a bit more comfortable. It's nice to hear her say "I would like to sleep in the same room tonight".

    I just realized it's been quite a while since I've kissed her. I miss kissing. All of this addiction garbage is useless! I wish I could just go back in time and rip every single thing from my life. There's no use complaining about something I can't change...I know that...but damn it. I HATE this. I want our old life back. A life I can NEVER get back. It doesn't matter how sober I am or how much I recover. I have destroyed a piece of our lives. I can only put most of it back together. Some pieces are lost forever. I feel like screaming.

    But that's just something a child would do. Acting like a child is what got me here in the first place. I've got to start acting like an adult. This is no ones fault but my own.

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