Day 212 It hasn't been a terrible day today. I did a pretty poor job with a project I was working on and I felt pretty stupid about it. We did a couple of errands and my partner had a fine enough time being near me today. I did have a bit of an issue this morning. I had made a commitment to waking up at 7 am every day...I woke up at 7:10ish and then around 8 am or so I was falling asleep while sitting up. My partner wasn't really happy with that. We got dressed shortly after and began our day. I returned the PS4 that I bought to play with my partner. I am still having trouble coming to terms with getting rid of my video games. My partner has been telling me I should still go and play, since we technically aren't together. I can tell she is actually being genuine. But I feel so guilty. She's still enjoyed me being nearby, so I'm glad about that. I'm going to keep doing my best to be a good man for her. It snowed today, which was something my partner was worried about. Last year, I got her stuck in a bad snowstorm, and it traumatized her a bit. I promised her I wouldn't keep her out in the snow again. Once the snow started falling, I took her straight home. She appreciated that. I also got triggered a few times today which hasn't happened in a while. I was doing my step work and I was remembering a couple of triggering events. On top of that, I was on an SAA telemeeting and a couple of jerks came on the line and started interrupting by talking about all kinds of porn. They were being incredibly disrespectful, laughing, and giving vivid descriptions. It took the moderate a little bit to kick them off. I was really angry at them. There were two men and a girl. I hate how I'm not taken seriously. I'm struggling with something so incredibly painful. I get laughed at if I go to open AA meetings... I know I shouldn't pay attention to what people think. But this is one of the worst things that has ever happened in my life. I just wish people would be a little more considerate. I know I can't change the world though. It's stupid to even let people like that effect me. I just triggered my depression again, thinking about my partner throwing her stuffed animal out of the window. Damn it...my life had been so wonderful since I had her in my life. I wish I never did this. I just keep praying. I am screaming internally, feeling trapped, because I know I can't change a single thing. I can change my future, but I can't get all of these horrible events out of my head. I can't make her love me the way she once did. I feel suicidal. I feel worthless. I feel alone. I'm so emotionally unstable right now. I've been crying for no reason, out of nowhere, the past couple of days. I feel insane. I want to be strong. I keep yelling at myself for being so weak. For having such a broken mind. I keep spiraling up and down inside my head. "This is my fault" "Act like a man" "Why can't I stop crying?" "Grow the hell up" "Kill yourself" "You're insane" "Snap the hell out of it" "Be a better person" "Work harder" "Don't give up" "Think about her" "Why the hell are you so useless?" "STOP BEING CRAZY" I mean...if I feel this way, how the hell does my poor girl feel? She's been through this and worse. I've got to cut this out. I've got to stop the self-pity. Tomorrow will be another day. I hope I can make God and the woman I love proud. Edit: I’m fine this morning. It’s been a fine enough day. The night went well after I posted.