Day 301, Day 302, & Day 303 My wife was really sick for a few days and I also had to start on the job training. It was a little scary for me, I haven't seen my wife sick like this since we've been together. She told me she hadn't thrown up since she was 12. She was vomiting the rest of the night and couldn't keep anything down. Before I went to work on Tuesday, I told her to just stay in bed and take her medicine. I did my training and things were fine. When I came home she wasn't feeling perfect, but she was feeling better. I stayed close to her in bed, held her when she wanted to be held, and eventually we both fell asleep. Wednesday she was feeling a lot better. She wasn't perfect, but she wasn't completely weak. I had another training I needed to get done, so I set out for work. During my lunch break, my wife called me and we were having a nice chat. She started to think about some things though that made her really sad. She felt like she was failing as a wife. I tried to comfort her but then she started to feel worse thinking about a lot of things. We ended the call and a little while later she sent me a text apologizing to me, letting me know it wasn't my fault, but that she had some work to do. When I came home she was happy to see me. I talked to her for a little while but then I told her to go back to sleep. I went to eat my dinner, watched an episode of a show, and then turned in. Yesterday was Valentines Day. It was fucking horrible. After doing a lot of thinking, my wife was pretty upset with the way her life has turned out. I agree that it isn't fair that I brought her to this point in her life. She had been regretting that she was with me, partly due to the fact that I'm ignorant about certain things but also due to the fact that I've hurt her so severely. I almost immediately shut down, which was the biggest mistake I could have made. We went out to get a few errands done and when we came home, things weren't perfect. I ended up going into my room and isolating for a little while. I came out of my room and started to talk with my wife, but she ended up getting more upset. I tried to disengage, but I did it in such a poor way, and then I blame shifted saying I was feeling attacked. I just pushed things to a point of chaos that could have been avoided. I don't want to go into more detail about things, but in the end we went out, I grabbed some Captain Morgan, we got some Taco Bell, she ate a little bit and went to sleep, and I drank a bit and caught a buzz. I gave my wife a horrible Valentines Day. My relationship is suffering and I haven't done much in order to repair it. I feel lost, she feels hurt and alone. I just want my wife to be happy with me. But I'm worried that things just might not work out how I want. I need to remember I can't control everything. But I also need to know what I can do in order to repair damage that I've done.
You and an insightful person. I just read through some of your journal entries and I see a lot of you owning the pain that you have caused. I wish I would've started down this path when i was first married. It took me 10 years before everything came out and I became an honest man. Keep working at it and you will have a healed relationship in 10 years that is beyond comparison to most marriages. I can't even count how many terrible valentines days, birthdays, holidays, I have ruined for my wife. keep it up. Keep pursuing Authenticity. Let it be messy.
Thank you. I really appreciate that. And there are times where I completely screw up being the person who owns up to things, but I always try to come back around and realize that I am blaming my wife for something I have caused. You can be authentic too. You just need to know that you have the power and you are stronger than all of this.
Day 304, Day 305, Day 306, & Day 307 Haven't posted for a few days and that's my own fault for not following my own schedule. I haven't been checking in with my lists. So I need to be mindful of that and actively change that behavior. Friday I worked the closing shift, so I didn't get home until after midnight. Had a bit of a rough time in the morning with my wife, but things got a little bit better. At work I got to experience my first apprehension, which was pretty cool. Saturday and Sunday were my days off. My wife wanted me to enjoy my times off, which was really nice. I know she's been struggling a lot, but she still tried to keep me happy. I really appreciated that, and I just feel like crap for everything I've done to her. When she suggested that I go and play one of my favorite games so that I could enjoy my day off, I started to cry. I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. And all that I want is for her to be happy. We did a few things and tried to set something up on my computer. It didn't really work too well, but in the end we had some Chinese food and she went to sleep. The next day we woke up and my wife wasn't feeling so well. As the day went on she started to feel a bit better though. My computer completely crapped out on me for some reason, and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. My wife is incredibly good when it comes to both hardware and software of PCs. But she was looking at my computer like it was the worst thing ever built (which, it pretty much is). When we couldn't get that to work we just gave up and went and did some other things. Later that night we ended up sitting down together and playing some Super Mario World on the SNES. It was a lot of fun and we had a nice time together. Yesterday was Monday and I had another day of work. My wife didn't want me to go, since she was enjoying my company, but I was glad I was working the morning shift so I could come home pretty early in the day. She worked really hard to put together a nice lunch for me and I was just so overwhelmed with love for her. I talked to her on the phone during my lunch break and then when it was time to go home, I let her know I was on my way and ready for some more Super Mario. When I got home though, she was sitting on the couch, with her head looking down. She started telling me about how she was on the internet and got triggered by something and then started going deeper into her own personal hell of not feeling pretty, feeling like the ugliest woman in the world, knowing that no one would ever think she was pretty. She started crying pretty hysterically and my heart just sank. I hated that. I hate when she has to feel like that. I hate it even more knowing that it's my fault. I could have been the man who at least made her feel like she was beautiful to me, the one person who mattered in this world. She didn't care if the rest of the world saw her as ugly, as long as her one and only person saw her as beautiful. But I never gave her that chance. I did the opposite. I tried to prove to her at the beginning of my relationship that I found black women attractive. Instead, I showed her the few black women in a sea of thin, dyed hair, pale skin white girls with loads of makeup. That cut her down worse than my porn ever did. And on top of that, I tried to make up for that pain by showing her my PORN COLLECTION. And yeah. That's how we got here. I was able to talk to her for a bit and make her feel a little better last night. Things weren't perfect, but I stayed by her side until she fell asleep. I know that there is a lot of work that needs to be done in my relationship. I'm not sure if I can ever give her exactly what she needs. But I know one thing: she is the most amazing, sweetest, kindest, and sexiest woman I have ever seen, met, or spoken to. I want her to know that. I didn't treat her or women like her fairly before. I understand I was a shallow and racist man. I defaulted to only "swiping" hot people. And my "hot people" list never included women of color. That was racist. No matter how you look at it. But I love my black girl. I don't deserve her. Not one little bit. But she means the world to me. And I need to find a way to show her. I don't know how. But I know what I KNOW. I know how I feel about her. And if I feel that way, there HAS to be a way to show it.
Day 308 Today wasn’t horrible. It started out a little bit weak with me being pretty tired this morning. My wife needed to talk to me and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I got up and out of bed when she walked away though because I wanted her to know I wasn’t giving up on her. She eventually went to do something and I got about another hour of sleep in before we went out to do some errands. When we were out she gave me a kiss twice. It was really nice... I’d missed those lips. When we came home, I sat on the couch near her and played on my 3DS. She’s wanted me to catch up on the Phoenix Wright games so I started the 3rd one. It was a pretty nice time. There were a few moments where she was overcome with some sadness. But we talked about it. It definitely helps if I listen to her more. I put her down for bed and she looked so cute and cozy. Tomorrow I’m back to work but I’m going to make it a habit of following my schedule and lists again. It makes the world of a difference.
Day 309 Had a decent day. Started off playing some Super Mario with my wife. Then I went to work and had a fine enough day. Working with co-workers who talk about sex so often is a little bit of a nuisance, but I’m going to have to deal with it. Work went by at a decent pace. Had some junkie come in to the store and pass out before jumping up and bouncing around. I came home around 8 at night and had a quick dinner with my wife. We talked and then each went to bed. She was so adorable. I love her so much and I just want our lives to be happy for as long as they can be.
I'm afraid this may always be a struggle. I go through it with my husband all the time. There are days when, no matter how much attention I get from men other than my husband, I feel like the most hideous creature and just want to crawl under a rock so no one will ever have to see me again. I have always taken reasonable pride in my appearance, trying to look nice and stay fit. But there is no way I can compete with who and what I have been asked to compete with. I haven't been 16 years old for a long time and never will be again. He knows how hurt I am about this and tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am and how much he desires me. Every single time, my mind jumps right to "Then why have you never ogled or searched for anyone even remotely like me? What's different now? Before you got caught, I wasn't beautiful, but now somehow I am? Please spare me." No matter how much he insists with his words, I will always remember his actions. I would rather not hear those words at all - they are just a reminder of how inadequate I am and frankly, too little, too late. And as painful as it is for me, I cannot even imagine what your wife, as a woman of color, must feel. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but I genuinely don't know what the answer is. You both have my sympathy.
Thank you...I know it has to be hard for you both. And I know she tells me the same thing. She doesn’t even want to HEAR that I think she’s beautiful. It does more harm to her than good. I think she has some traits of Body Dysmorphia, BUT that’s not why she feels like this. It just made what I did confirm all of her worst fears. Thank you for sharing. I hope that you’ll be able to heal with time. But if it’s any consolation, I do mean it when I say my wife is beautiful. She doesn’t read my journal, so I’m not saying it with the hope that she will stumble upon my words and be manipulated into seeing my “true inner thoughts”. But I know how if I was given the choice between my wife looking exactly as she is and my wife (same exact person on the inside) looking like the “sexiest” pornstar...I’d pick my wife now. The reason is that my head was clogged up like a cesspool before. Since starting recovery, I’ve cleared it up and realized all the beautiful little features that I looked past constantly. Because as addicts we aren’t focused. Our lenses are blurry. We look right through the things that are in front of us. But when we take back and see the world for the way it really is...we notice how wonderful our wives are and have always been.
Day 310 Day was a bit rough. I was incredibly depressed and then my wife was upset but I was talking more about myself and it just didn’t really go so well. We talked a lot about how she doesn’t feel like she will be able to live her perfect life and she will just have to learn to accept a relationship that’s “good enough”. But at the same time, she was mourning her fairy tale. I just wanted to give her the perfect life, and I kept beating myself up for what I’ve done. I knew I had to stop feeling sorry for myself, because this was about her, not me. Eventually the rest of the night was fine. She went to sleep and wasn’t feeling lonely. I just need to keep working on US and not just ME.
Day 311 Had a pretty good day overall. Had a nice morning with my wife. We played some Super Mario and spent a little bit of time cuddling. I helped her feel secure in the morning which was really nice. We ate some lunch together and then I headed to work. Had a pretty long day but nothing major really happened. On the way home my wife was excited to call me and talk to me on the phone. We spoke for a bit and then I stopped to get her some ice cream and to get a burger for myself. When I got home, we ate and talked for a bit. She went to sleep while I sat nearby and then I finished what I was doing before heading to bed myself. Overall things were pretty nice. I was a little bit frustrated with the behavior of some of the guys at work, but I'm pretty much over it for now since I won't be back at that store anyway. This morning my wife has been feeling insecure but doesn't really want to talk about it too much. She's trying to keep in high spirits and not let it get her down. But I hate when she's feeling inadequate like this. I think I'm going to go and do some driving in order to make a bit of money since I'm low. We will see how the rest of the day goes.
Day 312 & Day 313 I ended up doing some driving yesterday and made a bit of money. I took my wife to the store and she wanted to buy some makeup. She has never been someone who has worn makeup before, but she was intending on doing whatever she could to make herself feel more beautiful. We ended up having a nice dinner together and then spending the evening pretty quietly. Today I started working at my permanent store. It was okay, nothing too exciting. On the way home my wife was excited for me to be home so she called me. I mentioned something to her that was inconsiderate and it ended up causing us to spend a little bit of time apart. We had dinner and then talked for a little while and she started to feel a little better. I stayed with her until she fell asleep and then went and took my SAA phonecall. Something I want to try and be better at: I need to start sleeping earlier and getting up with enough energy. I want to have my wife feel like I’m masculine and responsible. I’ve got a voice when I wake up right in the morning that sounds too “cutesy” and I want that to change. I don’t like that about myself and it’s just personally unattractive. But I’d like to try and wake up before her every once in a while. It’s something she has mentioned to me on more than one occasion that she would like to have happen. I need to make that a reality.
Day 314, Day 315, Day 316, and Day 317 I haven't posted in a few days so I wanted to make sure I got on here to make a post. The other night, I was drinking a little bit and was a bit depressed. My wife and I had been talking about how she hadn't felt attracted to me lately, because of my behavior, not my appearance. I was a bit angry at this, not at her but at the entire situation. While I was drinking, I gave my sponsor a call. He gave me some advice, I went into the room where my wife was, and we had an amazing sexual experience. She was incredibly satisfied with the way everything went. For the last couple of days we've been spending a lot of time talking in depth about our sexuality and what we would like to happen in this relationship. I've been doing a lot of good the past few days and I've been really focusing and listening. I've managed to wake up before my wife a few times which was really pleasant for her. There have been a few triggers but we've been handling them, which is great. Other than that, I've just been working. Had a bit of a scary experience at work when I had to go up into the ceiling to work on the security cameras. My wife wasn't very happy about that either. She worried I would get hurt. So I am going to do what I can to avoid that from now on. My main goal for today - make sure I'm keeping up with my posts here. My wife's security is very important.
Day 318 Had a pretty good day overall today. There was one instance where my wife was triggered and I responded very poorly but we talked about it and managed to move past it. It was a pretty relaxing day off. We got a few errands done and lazily hung around the house. We took a nap together and ended up sleeping pretty long. I thought I’d have trouble sleeping g since I slept so long, but I’m struggling now to keep my eyes open. I am going to head to bed now and continue to work on improving everything about how I am and become who I want to be.
Day 319 Today was a pretty fine day. Spent some good time with my wife. She had a few bad feelings but we handled it well. Other than that I just went to work. Finishing up my shift now before heading home. I want to be intimate with my wife, so I’m going to do what I can to make her feel good about everything. I don’t want to only make her feel good so we can have sex. But I do want her to feel loved. I’m exhausted but I’ve still got to work hard. And tomorrow will be another day.
Day 320 Today was a really crappy day. I woke up and spent some time talking with my wife. I had a call with my sponsor and we finished my First Step presentation. After the call, I went to speak to my wife and she was a bit upset. It was because she was stressed about our budget and tried to bring it up earlier but I wasn’t listwning. After a while of talking, things were a lot better. I got dressed and got ready to go and drive for Uber. My wife was really happy when I left and wanted me to finish up as soon as possible so we could spend some time together. When I got home, she was upset again. We ended up talking some more but things just kept going in a worse direction. I started saying some things without thinking that were very invalidating and she was very hurt. In the end she started screaming at me and told me if I didn’t leave her alone she was going to smash my computer. I went into my room to think for a bit and she started crying hysterically. I got up to try and comfort her, but she was hurting really bad. Eventually she took my laptop and smashed it on the floor. She was hurting really badly and I just wanted to hold her and make her know she was safe but it just didn’t work. Eventually she continued to scream at me to go away so I went into my room to pray. I haven’t been doing a very good job of being a Christian lately. And usually when I turn away from God, He tends to let me fight on my own. I read a bit of my SA book before my wife started talking with me again. We talked some more and I had at that point realized I was deflecting because I didn’t want to see myself as the “old me”. But this just ended up invalidating my wife, which causes our argument to get worse. I explained to her that I felt like I was acting like a fool at the beginning of recovery who doesn’t even know that he should ALWAYS validate his partner’s pain. Even if he doesn’t agree with certain things, the fact is that she is HURT and he needs to acknowledge that his actions caused that pain. After we talked, I went to my room to await my SAA call. I tucked her in and took my call. I was going to talk with my sponsor after the call, but he didn’t end up calling me. So I’m going to call him tomorrow. I’m opening at work tomorrow and I haven’t been sleeping very well so I need to make sure I’m nice and rested. I want to show my wife she can depend on me. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to this woman. I love her more than anything else in this world. I just pray I can make her life worth living with me.
Day 321 Had a very emotional day today. Was depressed pretty much all day at work. Came home feeling crappy. Talked to my wife for a few hours. Things were still pretty bleak. Tried to eat my feelings away, but it didn’t really work. As I put my wife to bed, she was singing so cutely that I just broke down hysterically crying and kissed her head while holding on to her. She doesn’t understand why I fell that way about her but she loves me. I know she loves me. I don’t want to be anywhere else. I just want to be with her.
Day 322 & Day 323 These past few days have been a lot better. Yesterday I tried to up my medicine a little bit, but I decided that I didn’t want to just kill all my feelings. There were a few ups and downs but overall things started getting a bit better. My wife was happy with me when she went to sleep, which was nice. Today has been a really good day. My wife had a nice time with me this morning and we played some games together. I went to work and she texted me a few times. She even asked me to take a break to call her for a little while. She was very happy when I got home and we watched a bit of a documentary together. She started getting sleepy so I’m sitting next to her while she falls asleep. Things went pretty well today so I want to make sure I’m on top of things when I have my day off tomorrow.
Day 324 Had a really good day. We spent a lot of time together and did a bit of gaming and talking. We also watched some more documentary and a few game shows together. It was a really nice time. We took a nice shower together and went to get some Chinese food. On the way to pick up the food my wife slipped on some ice and fell. She was mostly fine but she was reminded of a time when I was using pornography and I was rough during sex. It triggered her and she was crying very hard, telling me about how much it physically hurt and how scared she was. I hated that fear she had in her eyes. I don’t want to be a monster in her eyes. I want to be her husband. I love her. I was able to talk her through and we ended up sleeping in the same bed. Overall, the day was really good and I want to have more days just like this one.
Day 325 Had an okay day overall. Had a long day at work. My wife had a little bit of a hard time while I was at work. She was very triggered so I called her and talked to her for a while. When I got home she needed to be held. I held her for a while before having her take a nap. I played some games while she slept and then we went out for some dinner. We talked some more and she was a little upset but we are now lying in bed together and things are fine. I’m grateful to the Lord for what He has given me.
Day 326 Had a day of mostly work. In the morning we had a few errands to run but my wife wasn’t feeling so well. We went to the store and got the things we needed before heading home. We were going to go food shopping but decided it would be better to have some relaxing time. Work was uneventful. When I got home my wife was asleep in my robe. It was so adorable. I climbed into bed and she cuddled me for a bit. It was really nice. We fell asleep together. Unfortunately my bed was incredibly uncomfortable. But overall it was a very nice night.
