Cravings when "full"

Hi to all NoFappers! I wish you luck in battling your struggles!

Day 43 started with a very bad sentiment.

I couldn't sleep. And here I feel a lot of shame, I somehow went to "groups" list on facebook, then I decided to browse dating groups, found some groups for rich women seeking guys (mostly bullshit, you can't really understand is it for real or is it just fakes) and "occasionally" I decided to browse lgbt groups to look for "proposition" on this market. Most of them are private, so there was a roadblock, but some were open. There was a lot of info, some support groups, etc, but sometimes there were dating announcements. Mostly face, some full-size photos. There was a post about tg dating app, so I realized it is better to install it and browse there. ( I was afraid I was in "the zone" on fb so algorhithms can locate my activities, which can cause more of related content, which can be toxic.) So, I've installed some apps. I live in the region, where there are only few such people. My country is quite homophobic. So, I saw some anouncements with photos, there are some real people, felt very ashamed, got my dose of adrenaline rush, satisfied my wicked curiosity and deleted all apps and felt asleep with no problem. (Damn, how pervert, weak and ill I am).

So, dear members of community, should I consider it as a relapse, since I did this out-of-control, but by my own hands? I didn't fap.

What to do with the state I am now? Like I don't want to relapse and I won't do this, but I am "full" and I have cravings? Have you been into this? What are the solutions to overcome? Is there a difference from cravings, when you were "empty", after relapse?

Guilt, frustration, shame, nervosity, loneliness, the need to "close my gestalt", curiosity to such people and somehow accepting the state of my own sexuality. How to deal with that?

Can you share your thoughts? I would really appreciate that.

Sincererely,

***

 

I totally agree with sonic123rainbow, thank you for your reply.

I will try to do this accurately and I try to do this recently. But some threads on forum are still very intense and delicate and it is possible to be triggered by them also.

I will go step by step, slowly, I will read the things, which will be "safe" for me.

 

Another issue is that being attracted to tg was with me for many years, since adoloscence.
Because of porn, of course. I've been into it maybe since 12 or so. And I've seen only 3 tg's in my life. And now I am 30. All of them were prostitutes and with 2 of them I had sex for cash.

And it is quite difficult to let it go, outgrow. I've been in relationships with women, but there was something missing. There was always a hunger, which was impossible to fulfill or cure with a woman. Some distance. I thought it was possible to fill with sex. But it didn't work out also.

You know, I still have sexual fantasies about sex with transgender. To be honest, one of the reasons to do nofap was to fix this issue, like get to the core and realise, who I am, hetero or no, bring this to reality and to have courage to accept me as I were. But I still have issues, the dreams are still with me. It is hard. Like, I am in "contact" with the last person I've been with in my mind. I am replaying our meeting, dreaming what I would have done in other way, what she thought or is she thinking about me. And then I feel arousal and disgust. Most likely I am nothing to her, she dispises me and can only give me a fake, surrogate. But still, this connection exists. That's sad.
And who am I? Is there a woman, that will accept me the way I am. Will I be able to feel love her or will it be just an act of grace and a partnership. Will there be breaknecking passion?
Or should accept another status and rearrange my life to it, face all the struggles, humiliation, shame, hate and go completely nuts leaded by lust? Will I be happy?? Will be my relatives happy? Because this always created a tiny distance between us. I've never came out.
What do you think? Do I need to confess?

 

Thank you for a direction! I will start reading those!

 

Thank you for your reply! That is what I thought. Like it would be a very big pity to reset the clock (it would be fair, but cruel, though, I can understand), but I didn't fap. I just couldn't manage the temptation to get into the risk. I went close, but, thank God, I went out. I know, that I am weak, vulnerable and that there is an addiction. And it is strong, I should not underestimate it. I should be conscious about it and work everyday. That is the lesson.

I am still at risk. Right now, these days. And there is a way to, that's for sure.

Thank you a lot, guys, that you are with me. It is very important.

I am sorry, first of all, I am asking you for forgiveness, dear NoFappers. You are very important to me. You are my support in the valley of shame, guilt and loneliness. I need you. I thank you.

I wish all best to each and all of you!