Crawling out of a ditch

I'm making this thread not just in the hope of abstaining from PMO, but also about self-recovery. All my life, I've been quite lucky. I was always a bit of a nerd, good in class, and even reasonably successful socially. Now I'm 18, looking to study at a top university next year and everyone thinks my life is brilliant. Everyone at school envies my position and even my whole family thinks I'm doing well.

Well they're all wrong. Thing is, I set up a high reputation for myself and now I struggle to keep up with it. Just to keep up with the workload I am stressing myself out every day, not sleeping well and constantly worrying about the next due date. This is then compounded with my porn addiction. I have been PMOing for 5 years now, and just in the last month or so the frequency has gone from once every few days to once or twice a day. The worst thing is that my parents think I am very controlled and religious (my religion prohibits masturbation), and often praise me about it - every time I feel so guilty inside.

I often convinced myself that porn wasn't bad for me because I never experienced the building up need for more and more violent porn that I read about online. However now I'm realising that it is having an effect on me mentally but I just can't deal with it.

The reason I'm here now is because I'm in such a difficult situation with my friends and family that I can't even think of talking to them about PMO, and explaining my mental breakdown to my parents would be difficult. I now turn to this anonymous group online in the hope that someone can help me out of this hole I've dug myself. I'm genuinely scared that I'm gonna crumble soon, fail all my exams and lose everything I've worked to achieve.

David

 

Thank you Mike, I really appreciate it.

The concept of this site is brilliant and I want to thank Alex Rhodes and the staff that run the site for coming up with a great solution for such a widespread problem, putting internet anonymity to good use. I have great faith in nofap and feel so relieved that I can finally express myself - even if I don't end up solving the relapsing problem I think that I can still gain by venting out my suppressed feelings.

So far in my journey to freedom from PMO, everything is good. I didn't think about relapsing today, let alone doing it, but that's probably because I've run out of juice after relapsing 3 times yesterday - a kind of recharge period I've experienced before. Nevertheless, I'm hopeful and will try to be strong in the upcoming challenging days.

 

Dude, we have a lot of similarities. I am 18, a bit of a nerd, good in class, have quite a few friends (if that's what you consider socially successful) but I am depressed and I'm slowly declining now in university.
If you have any questions feel free to ask them

 

Thank you, but I am actually from the UK (got the username from spamming the keyboard in a hurry to make an account and ask for help). Your request to be an accountability partner means an awful lot to me, but I'm just too stressed right now to be worrying and keeping track of anyone else's progress as well as my own - I hope you understand. Thank you for the long and thoughtful message.

Thanks for the reply and I will definitely look to you for advice. In terms of my friendships, I am generally liked by everyone in my year and most people I meet, but have never really made long-lasting, strong friendships with specific people. I don't know if that's better or worse, but I've never really been able to commit.

I'm trying to think in the present, but when I glance at the future, it's importance and how much of my life is resting on success in certain things it gets a bit overwhelming. I've always been taught to plan ahead and focus on goals, so find it difficult to bring myself back to the present.

Day 3 of nofap...

Unfortunately, I relapsed twice today. Disappointing, and in no way justified, but I can only explain why I did so tomorrow (the reason for explaining tomorrow will become clear). However, since I've got mock A2 exams coming up after a week of half-term holidays, today I made a massive revision plan for the next week - I'm quite hyped for getting my life back in order and has given me a temporary willpower boost, so hopefully I shouldn't relapse tomorrow.

I also want to reiterate my thanks to those that replied, and even those that just read the thread. It already feels like such a good decision to join the site, and the fact that people are with me on this journey gives me confidence that I cannot explain in sticking to this journey and never giving up. Also, I have had ample time to reply tonight, but in the future, particularly as exams draw closer, I might only be able to write a sentence or two. Nevertheless, I will always strive to post every day, I will always read and deeply consider every single message and I will always appreciate the thought and effort that you all put in to help others.

Thank you,
David

 

Oh dear,

I haven't posted for 2 days, and it has been an absolute nightmare. Right, so I'll run through it. Monday morning I posted last. Monday went fine, no relapse or temptation, but was way too tired after a long day to post. Tuesday however I woke up late, wasted most of the day and relapsed in the evening. Then, after waking up late again I relapsed again this afternoon!!! I have absolutely no excuses for either relapse, but inspired by rocky77777, I will be recording events of the day and triggers in an ordered fashion to keep track of what is going on. So...

Triggers for last 2 relapses:

• Boredom!!! (by far the biggest factor)
• Being depressed and not knowing how to deal with it (turning to quick satisfaction)
• "Missing" porn (probably just withdrawal symptoms from chemicals released in PMO)

Otherwise no accidental triggers - I'm ashamed to say it, but I actually seeked out triggers and porn when I decided I wanted to PMO

Oh yeah, I also forgot to clarify (but not in any way justify) why I relapsed twice on Valentine's day. It was because I found out PornHub were giving free premium for 1 day, and being stupid, I dedicated that day to making the most out of the premium content by watching videos and even downloading some. It is absolutely shameful and the reason I didn't say on the day was in case I tipped off anyone else here and caused them to relapse. However, one good thing came out of it - I realised that no matter how well anyone advertises or prices it, all porn is the same and gives the same level of satisfaction. There really is no difference in any porn on the internet because they all stimulate you in the same way. Porn online is just a lot of virtual girls with no shame that trigger only the most superficial parts of us - no thoughts or feelings are involved, which are much more potent and important in real life. I've realised what I will miss out on if I continue like this, which should hopefully help prevent me from relapsing in the future.

 

Day 6 of the journey to success,

Thankfully, no relapse today. Despite waking up a little late today, I managed to get a decent amount of work done, as well as get my brother to revise. However, mocks are creeping ever closer and the stress levels are starting to rise. Just before I went to bed, about 10 minutes ago, I felt the urge to relapse. This was a bit weird, because I wasn't thinking about women or sex at all and wasn't even particularly stressed or depressed. This worries me quite a lot how much PMO has sunk in as a habit. Luckily, I was strong enough to get over the urge and write this. I'm going to sleep now, got a big day tomorrow.

 

Day 7

Similar sort of day to yesterday in terms of not thinking about PMO at all until the evening, where habit tempted me to do so. However, once again I was strong enough to overcome the temptation and I won't be relapsing tonight.

However, I have a bit of a confession to make. I have a porn stash. It isn't physical - it's all digital and on the internet - not a trace to be found on my computer even. It consists of PornHub, XVideos and Tube8 accounts, each fully customised with long playlists of my favourite videos. Also a google account, which has stored on its google drive some videos as well as a load of pictures. I know this is terrible, and I should delete them instantly, but last time I put so much effort into effectively a "wank bank" and then deleted it all in one go, I felt so disappointed that I PMO'd again the next day, despite it being a bit harder to find material.

This is why I'm making this deal with myself. My PMO tracker on this website is set with a goal to beat my previous best streak of nofap. If complete this goal and relapse, that is fine (relatively of course), but if I PMO without beating my previous streak, I have to delete all the saved porn material irreversibly. I think this should be a good enough incentive for me to control myself, and always beating my previous best streak will ensure I never relapse more frequently than once every 3 days, which I feel is a better compromise than trying to go cold turkey, failing and relapsing every day.

Please tell me your thoughts on my reasoning anyone.

David

 

So here is how I would do it (I haven't had quite the same exact problem but similar ones where I had a barrier to do something beneficial that I had to overcome)
Try to let the two sides in you argue against each other. It will become obvious that to quit, you will, short- or long-term, have to delete the material at some point. You don't need to do it now if you are not comfortable with it. Try to get the thought into your mind and you will accept it more and more. As you have less and less problems with that, at some point it shouldn't be a big deal to delete it.
I can't guarantee it works that way for you, too, but I have reason to believe it might. It is very important that you don't use the saved material in the time though, because that would increase your bounds to it. Avoid that at all costs.

 

Day 8

Getting straight to the point - I relapsed. It happened literally 10 minutes ago. Let me explain and I'll be completely honest and open here. So I had a normal day and whatnot, and in the morning I checked nofap to find that I would have completed my goal and beaten my PB by the evening. Remembering the deal I made with myself, and I'm ashamed to say this, I planned to go to sleep, set alarms to wake myself up at 2:00 and PMO. I even went to the extent of downloading about 15 porn videos before I went to bed so that they would be ready (I only ended up watching 1 and deleting them all immediately after). I didn't really need to PMO - I wasn't feeling too bad withdrawal symptoms after 3 days - I just took an opportunity to "legally" fap under my own laws. What I did was shameful but I'm not afraid to be open here - what have I got to hide?

So now the question of the "deal". In this post-relapse depressed state, I feel an urge to delete every bit of porn I have, but I think I will take rocky's advice to wait a bit until my mind is clear and I am sure of my decision (much less than a month though - I don't have that much patience).

This is absolutely brilliant advice, no doubt, especially for someone who feels guilty and has a strong conscience like me. What tends to happen though is that the bad side of me just avoids the argument and convinces me to act first and then think. But I will persevere with this and train my conscience to fight for me.

So I'm still not entirely sure what to do. Any advice from anyone at this point would be greatly appreciated as I am very confused and want to sort this out. As it stands, I'm leaving the porn stash alone for now.

David

 

Day 9

I don't have much time to write, but in summary I had a very good, productive day today with no urges to relapse at all.

Rocky, I don't know how to thank you enough, but those two links you gave are an absolute Godsend. I've only had a glance at them so far but will definitely go through all of the information and act on it ASAP.

Tomorrow, I've got my first A2 mock exam, and exams will run throughout next week, so I probably won't be able to write a lot in the coming days.

Also, I've got a big surprise which I hope to share with you all tomorrow if I have time.

 

Day 10

Good day - A2 mock exam went extremely well and did not relapse or even think about porn. Kind of worried about very difficult exam tomorrow though. Wish me luck!

Right, so here's the surprise. 5 minutes ago, I finally decided to and successfully deleted all my porn stash! All my accounts - gone. All saved material everywhere - gone, and I even deleted all emails/email accounts related to any porn. Never have I felt more free.

It took me a while to convince myself (thanks for the tip genericname4403), but eventually I decided that I want a better life. It may be difficult to quit now, and abstaining for 40 days when I have never lasted more than 5 is not going to be easy. BUT, over 4 years of masturbating is too much now. If I can't stop a bad habit at this peak young age of 18, when I'm fitter, healthier and more energetic than I've ever been, then I will never do it. This time, no holding back. I will try every single technique to keep myself strong simultaneously and I will see it through to the end. So my plan is now to achieve 2 goals. Number 1 is abstain for 40 days. Number 2 after that will be to abstain forever and remove this from my life.

I have now gotten rid of all the porn I own, but of course I am still aware that it is all there within easy reach. Could anyone suggest any apps or extensions I can get on my computer to block all porn and temptations? Given my circumstances, I am particularly looking for ones that are:

• Free (I still live off my parents and therefore cannot buy anything without them knowing)
• Hidden/Secret (If my computer-whizz brother goes on my computer I don't want it to be obvious (or preferably not even accessible))

Thank you all so much in advance.

David