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crazy story

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by letter, May 19, 2016.

  1. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    I've got an unusual situation.

    For a long time I have been contemplating whether or not I should fully commit to a celibate life, and NoFap is a part of that process. I wanted to have a good amount of time free from PMO under my belt before I commited to such a decision. Now, at 30ish+ days in, I'm having some thoughts bubble up as to why I may be inclined to even be contemplating this in the first place.

    Help me out...?

    I'll try to keep this as short and simple as possible, but please bear in mind it is something horrible and desperately complicated, so no amount of words can fully convey the truth of what I've been through. In 2007, when I was 21, I was involuntarily commited to a psychatric ward. They were unable to confirm a diagnosis because I "responded to treatment", which really was that I learned how to hide my symptoms. So, they never quite settled between Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia and Schizoaffectic.

    I still have trouble speaking about the things I went through in there. I went in with the adamant belief that I was okay, but somewhere along the way in there I lost that and much much more. Because I was an "involuntary admission" I essentially lost all my rights as a person. The things that I was unable to stop happening to me at their hands still haunt me. The only way I got out was to fool the doctors into thinking I had accepted their diagnosis and would faithfully keep swallowing whatever pills they'd give me when I was out. In truth, I just wanted to get out so I'd be able to end my life. Essentially, I left that place a very broken person, I didn't even feel like I was a person anymore.

    Warp forward to the present. Somehow, against all odds, I managed to regain my sanity. I was told that if I ever stopped taking the pills I would be back in the psych ward within 2 weeks of stopping. It's now been 5 years since I've been medicated, and I've not struggled with any mental health issues whatsoever since that day 5 years ago when I managed to finally get out of that hell. I'm somewhat of an anomaly for this. I was told that NOONE gets better from what I had. But, here I am, in sound mind with years of evidence to back up that claim.

    While I am incredibly thankful to be where I am today, I am still dealing with the repercussions of what happened. The medications did some damage to me, my body has never behaved quite the same as it did before. I got onto a disability program on the basis of the diagnosis, and have been using that like a crutch while tending the wounds I suffered from back then.

    The thing is, with all this stuff, how can I approach a woman? Did I write off the possibility and sequester myself because of this, at least in part? If I told someone the truth, what would they think? Why would someone want to be with a man like me who is still carrying around such damage?

    I'm getting better and hope to be off disability soon, but I have to admit it has been hard and is taking a long time. Do I wait until I'm 100% again? Do I wait until I've once again established a normal & socially acceptable pattern of life? Did I forget about women because the thought of how impossible it seemed was too painful to bear, or was accepting the impossibility of it a means by which I mitigated the suffering of that time?

    Are my reasons for singleness today one of devotion to God, or is that a self-justification to prop up this disaster? Being PMO-free is helping me approach an answer, I'm feeling stronger now, but I confess... I could use some help.
    White Sheep and (deleted member) like this.
  2. Wow, you're right. That is a crazy story (don't know if you intended that to be a pun or not haha). Honestly, it sounds like you used your psych diagnosis the same way I used my obesity. I looked at myself and thought, "No woman would want me looking like this," so I just never tried. However, I lost the weight 3 years ago and I am still single. As it turns out, it wasn't the weight that was keeping me from getting a girlfriend. I was just using that as an excuse not to try. The real reason I have never had any success with women is because I have enormous fears of failure and rejection. After I lost the weight, I just started giving myself other excuses not to try such as, "I'm just too busy to start dating someone," or "I'm too stressed out."

    Fix what you can fix about yourself, and accept the things you can't change as just part of who you are. Don't run from them. Learn to love yourself completely. That's another one of my problems. I don't love myself. If we don't love ourselves, then how can we expect someone else to love us? Put yourself out there and go talk to some women. Don't let your past excuse you from trying. In other words, don't be like me (I am trying to get better though. I went on 4 dates last year, which is more than I have ever been on in my whole life previously.)
    letter and calmthestorm like this.
  3. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Hey @PMOslaveNoMore, thank you for your candid reply.

    It certainly is mostly fear. I've been trying lately to come to see rejection in a new light. With failure, I learned that just because I may fail that doesn't mean I am a failure. I have come to know and accept that the road to success may be paved with failures. I know there is another side to rejection, I just can't see it clearly yet. Or, perhaps, the things I have learned at the hands of rejection may be disturbing and hard to accept as good.

    It is interesting to me that you mentioned putting myself out there. I had done that, secretly, just to see what may happen and to begin to confront these fears. Just talking with people about normal stuff helps, but I know at some point its gonna come up. I can't hide the issue. On the surface, things are cool because of who I am today.. but an inquisitive & perceptive person can tell there is something up with me. I've got years missing because of this, it's impossible to hide.

    But, I have had some really positive experiences. This one lady, who after hearing about some of my childhood said, "your past does not define you." I know that is true. Also, there is another lady, who has a wild yet sweet soul.. and is heartbreakingly beautiful, who has taken an interest in me. I know I gotta be careful, I can't let all my past consume me.

    The worst part of this one is that she makes me want to hope. While that may sound great, such an emotion can play up the fears to a point where it is hard to see past them. I know it may sound strange to ask, but is it better if I kill that hope in my heart by accepting that the consequences don't matter? Perhaps I would be more free and confident that way.

    I am glad for you, how did your dates go, if you don't mind me asking?
    White Sheep and (deleted member) like this.
  4. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    If you have enough self awareness to realize all that jazz I'd say you are more then fine. But it's all justification, rationalization and excuses. With you it's the psych ward that makes you feel broken, with others it's fapping every day for years or whatever. But like you said there's room for improvement, but feeling like a wounded bird not worthy of anything is is somewhat more comfortable right? I'm not blaming you I'm doing it as well, I'm just don't bullshit myself - and that's the truth we bullshit ourselves. Of course we could meet women and of course it would be better if we are not "wounded" right. But I tell you my friend that belioef you are wounded is a recipe for disaster since you'll keep reinforcing it to keep you in this comfort zone and not really stretching out. So, please use more of that slef-reflewction and decide what's right for you.
    letter likes this.

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