Crisis of Thought

Dear Melancholy, I think I can relate to much of what you are going through, especially the feeling of feeling trapped. Your self description also applies to me: "my goal is to make it through my life celibate."; "I feel so trapped"; "To fail now is so utterly unthinkable. I cannot"; "I am literally INCAPABLE of getting married or having a girlfriend"; "Sex has been the bearer of every terrible thing in my life. I didn't ask to have this terrible demon of sexual feeling in me. I just want it gone. How happy I would be without this weight of desire. It would be TRUE FREEDOM!"; "My soul is...so tired of fighting...so tired of carrying this burden".

One undeniable, albeit inconvenient, truth is that we were created as sexual beings. So, it is counter intuitive to deny ourselves all sexual expression. I agree with you that does not mean impossible. For example, you have gone for more than 2 years without using any type of porn and 5 months since you last induced a sexual release at your own hand. It takes a great sacrifice to go against nature in the way we are all trying to do here and, maybe that is why many of those who have ventured down this unnatural, unintended denial of our very nature have succumbed to sexual deviance. You may not wish to talk about it, but I infer from what you say that you have had some dark and very taboo sexual thoughts yourself.

You have heard the phrase, "it doesn't help to bottle things up". In fact, not only is this true, but its veracity is considerably more seismic than that. When we suppress or bury a real anxiety (perhaps a trauma), it stays within us. Over time, a pressure cooker effect starts to take its toll as an emotional head of steam builds. At some later point, it will 'blow' and it will be unexpected and 'ugly'. I think you can see what this parallel is suggesting... Personally, my intention is to get to the end of the 90 day NoFap challenge. Thereafter, I shall masturbate very occasionally in a controlled way. Ideally, I would like to do so without any fantasy whatsoever. Just to feel the warmth and strength of my penis and to slowly rub it until I blow my load.

My hope is that this form of infrequent sexual expression will prevent me from developing a 'taste' for deviant desires. Please give serious thought to what I have said matey

 

Hey Melancholy,

Just a couple of thoughts. (I believe you're Christian, so I'll touch a little on my views here. To others reading this, feel free to disagree with me, but please do so politely.)

Firstly, I believe that sexual desire is an innate experience of every human being. To be human is, in part, to have sexual desires. I think the way that society and culture has evolved to view sexual desire is the root of the problem, rather than desire itself.

Society tells us over and over that it's bad to repress these desires, that we should take what pleasure and all pleasure we can, that we should end up becoming hedonistic people who are just slaves to the next rush. And sexual desire is, since it is the most pleasurable, basically the poster child of this theory. Hence all the hypersexualisation we see in our culture, and all the porn that comes with it.

In this (and other NoFap) communities, we're basically acknowledging that that's not true, and that excessive slavery to sexual pleasure can screw us up. Some believe that all we need is just a "reboot" and then we can continue on at a slower pace. Some think that giving it up altogether is the right way. Nobody really knows who is correct, but our reactions all depend on many individuals factors and opinions, so there's no point trying to say who is right or wrong.

What I'm trying to say is that what you're experiencing is probably a very extreme reaction, based on your own past experiences and circumstances, that has led you to take drastic action. But now that you recognise that it's really causing you a lot of negativity in your life, it might be time to reassess your decision, or at least the reasons that led you to the decision, and see if you can step back and get some fresh perspective.

For me, I think that sex is a good thing. Not that it gives pleasure, but now, I view it as more of the ultimate expression of human love. It is the most intimate, vulnerable and powerful way to say "I love you" to another human being, and should really only be given to the person you are absolutely sure is the one you love, who will be with you for the rest of your life. Hopelessly romantic viewpoint, I know. But that's how I see it, and how I think it was conceived as in the mind of the Creator.

So if you want to get away from sexual desire, totally lose it, then you probably have to work to deepen a relationship that is BEYOND HUMAN, i.e. Divine. Which is basically what most celibate groups (priests, nuns, monks etc.) strive towards. They give up sexual relationships not because it is EVIL, or against God, but because it detracts from their ultimate relationship with God (or their search for enlightenment in Buddhism, for example). But as long as you see sexual desire as evil or demonise it, then thre's no possibility of this either, because there is a lack of acceptance of your human condition, or a belief that God's creation (sexual desire in humans) is somehow EVIL, which will forever prevent you from totally trusting God, and trust is the basis of any relationship.

I know you're disillusioned about priests and other supposedly celibate people, but that all comes down to us basically being human. We will always have these desires unless we fall deep enough into communion with a higher power, and to do so completely is a very difficult thing to do, even for people who are willing to commit to it.

Just my thoughts on your situation. Hope they help.

 

You're an interesting case Melancholy. You are one of the strictest and most experienced fapstronauts here, yet your goals seem to be some of the strangest (in the eyes of the average fapstronaut), apart from your general self improvement stuff.

I find your refusal to engage in any sexual activity interesting. You say that you both can't and won't. From my perspective, "won't" implies asexuality, however "can't" implies otherwise. Until you elaborate on this topic that you claim no one is capable of understanding, I doubt we will be able to help you.

Note that marriage does not imply sex. It is possible to have an incredible relationship with another person without any sexual activity. I suspect you'll find a solution to this problem along your journey, but for now, don't give in!

I'd compare your journey in part to the book Siddharta. Have you read it?

NoBrainer

 

Hey bro, if you cannot vent here about this, where else you gonna do it? I think you need to seriously question if you have truly been given the gift of singleness, as very few have.

The fact you are so incredibly, sexually sensitive begs the question, are you burning with desire. Paul addressed this matter.

If you feel that masturbating infrequently, sans fantasies, is wrong you need to make a clear choice about these desperate, sexual passions that are too strong for you right now. It is not a sin to marry as Paul confirms.

You say maybe God will not take away your sexuality. In fact, you can rest assured that God will not take away your sexuality. What he does promise is that you will not be tempted beyond what you can bear. In this case, the way out he makes available is marriage. Marriage is a God-given institution and you may be missing the point - that, that is exactly what you need to do.

 

Actually, I do understand and I have not thought you are in danger of committing any sort of fornication. It is just that you seem so tortured as you tread gingerly down this path. Your spiritual aspirations are laudable and I wish you well, but I hope you don't make yourself desperately unhappy. You are doggedly pursuing what amounts to a kind of perfectionism. It is highly commendable, but if it is reasonable for you - well, only you can really know for sure. Pray about it and ask for some clear direction and blessing.

 

Once I set a goal however, it's hard to stop me, I can't even stop me! WOW! You are one stubborn so and so, lol. Maybe you should stop being Melancholy and become Mr Motivator!

Seriously, that sort of goal oriented drive is essential to personal development. But, there could be a danger of too much intensity. If you are like this, there may be little room to relax and enjoy life. I am not trying to trivialise your very difficult challenges, but there must be some good things which you can ponder and draw strength and hope from. Yes, spirituality is what sets us apart from all other creation and we must embrace it to be whole.

Thanks for noticing my efforts. I can hardly believe it to be honest! Two months down - one to go. YAY!

 

From what I know of you, I have no doubt that God is proud of you matey

 

(Warning: religious post ahead, but advice does concern OP's problem.)

Hey Melancholy,

I do agree with remexplore in that you do seem to have a problem with letting go of what you perceive as your "sinful self", and that seems to colour quite a lot of your decision making.

From what I see of your reasons not to get married, it seems that yoy're basically afraid of committment to another person - and I think that's perfectly normal. One of the reasons my last relationship fell apart was because I was too scared to commit to it. The rest of your life is a LONG time.

But this lack of desire to commit will ultimately harm your relationship with God as well. You say that you want to dedicate your life to His service, but that is an even greater commitment to an even bigger unknown. If a commitment to a single human being is already THAT TOUGH an complex, then how more so would a commitment to the Creator of the whole universe be? He is way beyond our own comprehension!

I don't know what sort of service you're in now, but I believe that a relationship with God should the foundation of that. And the first step to that relationship is to commit, and to be able to live at peace with yourself enough, in order to actually open up. And that relationship is a 2-way thing - not just you doing what you THINK God wants of you, or just saying "God I'm doing this for you" and expecting Him to accept it.

Have you ever thought of the possibility that God might throw you a curveball and say "I think you should get married, and that would be the greatest thing you cound do for me"? It's entirely possible. I've had friends go the opposite way - drop a healthy, happy relationship in order to join the priesthood.

I guess what I want to say in the end is that it's not something that you can WILL to make happen and force your way into (a life of service to God) or out of (married life). It takes a lot of discernment, self-acceptance, soul-searching (of your ENTIRE soul, even the parts you are most ashamed of), and ultimately an open mind to the possibilities that God might present to you.

 

You rightly said that we should look to the example of men of integrity. I recommend you embrace Paul's view of his own weaknesses.

 

I know I shouldn't post this because it can lead to a debate about religion but I would be interested in hearing the reasons for such an immensly strong belief like you have. I think believing in god is not bad at all, it gives you strength when you don't have it yourself. But maybe you set your expectations too high even for god.

One reason for you to avoid getting involved in a romantic relationship is that human beings are imperfect. This is what your post seems like to me. But If there is a god the only way to justify believing in god after the year 1945 is to aknowledge that even god makes mistakes. I mean take an event like WWII where 6.000.000 people perished to death in concentration camps. Let alone the 40.000.000 soldiers who have died in battle. I would count this as a flaw of god.
The reason why I'm posting this is because I want to make you question a strictly religious way of life because it appears to hurt you, or at least your love life. When I first signed up here I was really impressed about your streak and that all your strength looked like to be derived from your faith in god. And now you are very low and you seem to be torn because you want your life be about more than mere reproduction. Spirituality can undoubtedly be means to such a higher end. But how do define a higher purpose in life? I personally think it's about significantly enhancing the life of others.
Take for example Howard Florey. He, among his colleagues, paved the way to mass production of the first antibiotic, penicillin. This has saved far more lives than anything I can think of. If his life didn't have a meaning then I don't know what else would be considered a "meaning". And now the point: He had married twice in his live. In fact almost anbody whose work has brought tremendous benefit for humanity was married. They all felt love. For their partners and the people around them. So If you want to give love to others and thereby lifting your own life's purpose you should be able to receive love from, say, a partner.
Please don't get me wrong here. I do respect your belief. But it's never good if something consumes your life entirely. This is what I perceive too much religion is doing to you. I know that this perception comes only through my computer's monitor, but still please think about it.