Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    9/24. SO IS 645 days no P . He went 615 no M . Now he’s 30 days no M . Myself no M 14 days . I want to start this new journal because things feel new . I don’t want to flood this journal with the last 22 years filled with silent internal chaos . My old journal was sad , frustrated , angry. I want this one to be both good and the bad , the easy and the hard . A “ thinking , rational journal . I am in charge of healing my hive . I’m the Queen Bee afterall .
    18 months from DDAY , one month since real recovery starting
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2018
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    What a honor... First post!:)

    Exciting and new.
    It'll be great.
     
  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I have therapy today . I no longer fear /worry /stress the night before . There is no running background all day thinking about what I need to get out . I’m starting to let thoughts and things happen organically . But I know what we need to discuss .
    I’m headed out of country Friday for a weeks vacation ;) . My hub can’t come ( new job ) my brother A ( the one that knows the WHOLE story ) is coming . Dr Ruthie ( yes her real name , yes she’s a CSAT ;) hopefully will guide us in the right direction to handle me being away . Things are headed in the right direction with us I’m afraid to go . You see , he bought the “ hidden for 8 years laptop “ while I was away on a bachelorette trip after being clean 3 months in 09 ‘.
    But I think if I /we communicate things appropriately before AND during my trip we will be ok . Isn’t it IRONIC , his beautiful wife is going away on vacation and and he’s not worried but she is ?? That’s the life I live now . The only reason I’m optimistic is the new month long changes in communication. Had I been in the space I was beginning August? Fahgetaboutit I’d be a fucking wreck . Or numb . I’m not so sure which one is worse !!
     
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  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ugg she had to cancel she’s feeling ill . Changed to tmrw though so atleast I’ll see her before I go away ;)
     
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    No therapy but my husband used words . At the beginning stages a month ago I had asked to answer honestly if the videos, emails , questions were making him feel differently. His response surprised me “ I see a difference in you /us but not in myself because I’ve been good “
    So tonight after a full 6 weeks of FANOS , assignments ( watch recovery videos , read recovery emails , read on empathy , intimacy disorder , emotional honesty ) after reminding him of his response last time I asked “ are you feeling different , are you FEELING “

    HE SAID “ yes I am . I will miss YOU when your away , not just everything you do for us ( ugg my boys n him are fucking spoiled and it’s my fault ) “ I asked can you go deeper “ he said “ YOU , illl miss you , I’ll miss your love , I’ll miss our connection, conversations and I am already anxious for you to come back to me “ that was WORDS . Not just words to say but he said them while his eyes were glistening and I FEEL that he is FEELING . Gah why couldn’t he have done this 18 months ago . I really think the brain fog / emotional blockage maybe took so long because he has been PMO for 25 years ?
     
  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    This is so uplifting to read. I really feel so very happy for you. I don't know that my H will ever get to this point....it certainly feels like a million worlds away atm.... but it's great to see that change and progress can be achieved by some if they are that dedicated and committed. This is what i feel is lacking with him. I say it but he doesn't hear it or care...or can't get the depth that I'm talking about that I need to see. Can I ask how much time does your H spend on average a week doing recovery work? I'm just curious....
     
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, I think what happed was because we are so far from DDAY and he’s been clean , that far removed from it he actually was getting I was not healing . WE were not healing . I said I was going to emotionally leave the relationship 100% we would be roommates . I didn’t cry . I didn’t yell . I was matter of fact . He could see day by day I was losing myself . Numbing out etc . The big aha moment was for him when he came home and saw I took almost every picture of the 2 of us and replacing them with pictures of my boys together . He got home from work and slept on couch . He said it was like our relationship just disappeared . He stayed up all night lonely and FEELING . We are not yellers. He’s never actually raised his voice at me in 22 years . We discussed what would have to happen for me to “stay” . I did my boundaries first , he signed them . Watched Dr Weiss videos . Sent him a few emails on emotional honesty . Some videos over the last 4 weeks . We then talk about everything on the wknd and do FANOS . He actually didn’t have to do much to not look at P . He read articles on your brain on porn , xxxchurch emails , but 6 months in He just didn’t talk much about it anymore . I STRUGGLED. And here we are . To be honest I think the biggest problem the PA caused for HIM was an intimacy disorder. I think that is what we are climbing our way out of finally
     
  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    My appt was AMAZING . I went no makeup, hair in fun-o-bun , comfy clothes ( just felt low energy this a.m ) . Normally I’m hair make up look nice kinda gal . Sooo I was telling her how everything has been going well and such big progress feelings wise has been happening since last seeing her 9/6 . She said to me “ you know you are beautiful right , I mean I can say that you are a beautiful woman , but I noticed you don’t have your armour on today , and I have to say with your natural look with your raw emotions of hope and happiness , today is the most beautiful I’ve seen you “ I was like wow really ? I expressed telling my sis , talking to Bloom coach * , and this forum ON TOP of our progress has made it feel like IT is slowly unsticking from my bones . I told her how scared and vulnerable I feel . I feel like I just might be falling in love with him . The new him . That is fucking terrifying . She gave us homework for my trip . I’ll share later . It was just a great appt . Ha ! She called my hair and makeup armour . Which is funny , because in the past I would make sure when I was going to approach SO about this P bullshit , I made sure I looked like my very best version of the boss bitch I am ;)
     
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’m baccckkkk . Such a great vacation! We put things in place like a morning text everyday “ all boundaries are in check “ this was to ensure I started my day of in a good space . I told him it’s already going to be with me on vacation so it’s not like he’s bringing it up . We FaceTimed and texted and called each other . Totally felt connected even in another country. He was sooo excited and happy to see me !
    Now I’m home he’s at b-ball . I checked laptop which he knows I would and there it issss . Psubs . Not enough to have a blow out , but they are there . Fitness models , bodybuilding models . That IS a psub for him . It is what it is . I’m just so disappointed though . All the work we've done I just don’t know how to approach it . I’m sick to my stomach . I just don’t get it . I never do . psub is a boundary . He knows it’s a boundary . Uggg .
     
  10. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I was wondering when you'd be back. I'm glad you had a great vacation! But im sorry to hear about the psubs. Just be straight up and direct about it - like you told me to do with my hubby and the "are you No PMO" , that worked . So ask him straight up "did you look at Porn or Psubs while I was away"? Thinking of you x
     
  11. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Oh we did more than that .
    I pulled out my boundaries list , the “ tips while she’s away list “ that my therapist gave me . ( we were supposed to do FANOS tonight but I sped it up because I was spiraling ) I handed them both .
    I said “ you understand everything right , you understood what you signed “ Yes I do “
    “Was there anything on those lists that you failed / or almost failed ?
    He said “ yes , I clicked on something that I shouldn’t have on my normal fitness site , I knew it was wrong and felt bad immediately and didn’t do another click “ (
    He didn’t click further I could see that ) ironically the next click was his homework “ Gottman on Integrity” and he responded that he liked the whole meaning /spirit of the word . Needless to say the psub was Sunday ( day off , one I was worried about ) didn’t go on laptop again until wed and there was only bills being paid .

    The convo went better than expected better than the past . He owned it . But I had to ask and he’s very clear that I won’t ask him next time . Because he told me without me telling him what I knew , I lessened a consequence. I was FIRM . Not in a mean way , just a matter of fact way . So the following he’s on his own for a few days : Food , lunches , coffee , laundry couch and I’m unavailable physically/emotionally/sexually . Ofcourse he’s upset , with himself obviously but not at me for enforcing. I’m upset because I was just away for 8 nights and was looking fwd to being with him in every way . I literally said “ THIS is why you had homework this is why there are boundaries, THIS is why I was nervous to go away . It was a strong NO to every other boundary ,so that’s good . He knows Psubs are a big one here ,and for good reason . He lacks will power with food , beer , exercise. Anddd always P . Sux that we are here but I can’t say “ progress not perfection “ and then throw it in his face .
    Thanks for checking in xoxo
     
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  12. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    You handled it very well. At least he was honest with you, so that's a something. But it was the same with my PA, if I hadn't asked straight up like you said, i don't think he would have told me either. Not within the 24 hr time frame he has anyway. Good luck over the next few days, focus on you and your healing work! xx
     
  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    But I asked “ if I didn’t have an alert , didn’t bring it up , would you have ?
    He said after thinking “ probably not , because I got right out of it “
    I EXPLAINED again that is omitting/hiding . I deserve total transparency at this fucking point And I said so
     
  14. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Exactly! It's still a form of lying - I totally agree. We shouldn't have to ask, but in my case it's baby steps. Just him being honest is a step forward for him. Actually coming to me first, without being asked will be his next step I guess...
     
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  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    SAME . But will he ??? I said a little while ago while he was hugging me ( I let him I know he missed me while away ) I wound up making dinner for everyone so it would have looked weird if I left him out “ I think you think I’m going to be meaner/nastier than I am , true or false “ he said “yes”
    I said have I ever been ? Maybe besides after an initial DDAY ( rightfully so ) I’ve never given you a reason to feel like you can’t tell me the good the bad the ugly .
    His laundry still in a big pile untouched ! HE HAS NEVER DONE A LOAD OF LAUNDRY IN 22 years , so go me ! Lol
     
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  16. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Ugh, I'm sorry. That is so frustrating, especially with all the progress you guys have had lately.
     
  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    That’s just it though right ? Progress not perfection. We tackled it tonight and he’ll have extra assignments and no me to call on his lunch break and he’ll go visit his mom in nursing home by himself . Those are the parts of me he will miss out on . But those are the consequences and hopefully he will HALT and remember what this feels like . It’s truly the first time the “new us” was really tested , I feel in a way it’s a good thing it happened early on and with a psub and not P , to see that I’m dead fucking serious .
     
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You stand your ground.
    You got this!
     
  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I did ! I do !
    But today I’m just feeling anger . I knew it would come . I’m just so confused how a man can go 8 months without clicking anything while we were barely doing ANY relationship recovery whatsoever. Fast fwd and we are 5 weeks into some pretty heavy relationship recovery. The most open either of us have been . I gave him the “ I believe in you “ card before I left . And then he chooses to click it . Ok it didn’t go further , he shut laptop down but he’s been home alone before this ( I was triggered then ) I don’t even know if anger is the word . Anger and sadness I guess . I was taking bricks of the wall of untrust and maybe I took a few more down than I should have. And literally this slip has me putting like 1/2 back up uggggggg
     
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I completely understand.... It's like WHHHHHYYYY
    you were doing so well!!!
    Yet they made the dumb decision...
     

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