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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.
Nothing at all? I'm so sorry.
Not. A. Word.
I’m starting to feel a lot more stronger in the decisions that I know have to be made by me . I am trying to “ just sit in the day “ like my therapist said . To not look too far ahead because that will make me ill . It is most definitely freeing to sit here not wondering what he is doing because, I already know . I think I’ve always known which is why I only felt at ease and comfortable in my own skin for those few months in the fall . Of course I miss the other guy , the one I love . Not this one , who I dislike very much . He’s worked all week , this is is his whole wknd off while I’m away and the boys have plans all wknd . Part of me is hoping that he will respond while having so much free time . But I know he won’t . He will continue to feed his addiction.
I wanted to say my heart goes out to you, woman. I am so sorry you had to put up with this level of betrayal and hurt. I read your story and think this is where my anxiety comes from--PA's can't ever be fully trusted and they are good liars! Every time I started to trust again PA stomped all over my heart and soul. That circle and loop of false hope and shattered dreams doesn't have to be your world anymore! And for that I am envious. Here is your chance to be a better, stronger, anxiety free woman!
He responded. After sending me 2 emails that are pro - porn .
Here’s the jist
I never forgave him for 2016 ( I forgave )
He listed all the things he does for us , all the positive things ( while lying )
He did FANOS , couples counseling ( all while lying , superficial counseling )
He’s sorry he hurt me again ( always sorry)
Never meant to hurt me ( it did ! )
Didnt respond Didn’t want to be on the house laptop when I came all week ( umm bullshit he did bills Monday night on it )
I responded. I responded with enough emails to counter what he is thinking /saying on porn addiction, masturbation addiction, betrayal trauma.
I then responded with
That is how you remember it . “ last winter “ that will be almost 3 years not “ last winter “ we were working towards healing . So your saying for a year you stopped? I’m confused. And FANOS was once a week , that I had to bring up . In 7 months only 2 of them were being honest . FANOS only works if both are being honest. In the fall I was great ! Less triggered , totally open to fully healing the relationship. The unicorn! I was the only one being vulnerable. WE were good . Don’t you understand I know your face and body and characteristics probably more than you do after 22 years . The changes were there. Wether you felt them or not is not the point . First in small ways . People that don’t like each other find it easier to coexist because they don’t CARE what the other is doing . I FUCKING CARE TOO MUCH to not care . I have NEVER said you were a bad person . I have never said you were a bad father . I have never called you a bad person or a pervert or a bad name . All I have ever wanted was honesty and transparency from my HUSBAND . I wanted my HUSBAND to be the same kind of spouse as I am . I wanted the husband I had in early fall . I have said over and over again how I’m looking for progress not perfection . I can handle truths . I could handle slips with truths . P is not the only problem . You have an issue with M that you said you always had . Well guess what , you can only M so long ( which I doubt now that you stopped for any length of time ) without then escalating to P or P-subs . I saw things you would watch before I got up . It’s all there , just cause you change what was last watched doesn’t mean it goes away . But I didn’t say anything . Just like all week this week .The restaurant thing is silly , we didn’t change our restaurant locations . The problem is you refuse to face that a person with a porn addiction can at some point not be an addict . An alcoholic will forever be an alcoholic. Wether they act out or not is not the question.That never goes away . You really had NO interest in doing any of the work with porn recovery in any way . The difference with this addiction it affects the spouses SOUL , femininity, SEXUALITY. You’ve had time to respond . You closed off . You started instead , to use your time searching the TV . When I came home and all lights were off , you in the shower , leaving what you searched for on the tv , I knew in that exact moment I NEVER want to be triggered like that again . Enjoy my trip? I would have stayed if you showed any interest in communicating . Enjoy my trip with a mask on you mean ? Hiding my pain , hiding my truths . You had the laptop down there the other day , you could have responded then . You didnt.? You named things you gave up doing . But you never listed what you WERE doing to actively be in recovery. Because you didn’t pursue anything on your own to try to help yourself or us . You barely spoke about your porn addiction in counseling. It took you almost a full year to watch “ how to help her heal “
I think if you did more in the way of porn recovery you would be looking at things very differently . At the end of the day , a house , a vacation, a dinner , a ring , a car , aren’t THAT important if the one you love with EVERYTHING you have is betraying you behind your back . You have this disdain for liars , even small petty lies like Your sister told . Held that disdain for over a year . Well I found a laptop you hid for nine years , how long SHOULD it have taken me to fully trust you ? I JUST found a laptop you hid from me again for 6 months . This is NOT about forgiveness. This is not just about the Porn . This is about not disclosing anything to me ever . This is about telling me you love me , letting me open up while being able to lie . Telling me there’s something wrong with ME because I wanted to have INTIMATE deep connection with my husband in EVERY way. Conversation last Friday and Sunday would have gone very differently if instead of pointing the finger at me you took accountability, were remorseful , fell to your knees saying you were struggling instead , you let the addict speak .
It IS the lying .
Because how you can you trust the love or anything else for that matter . I read a saying somewhere “ A kiss from a liar is like tasting poison “ or something along those lines . Like your tempted by the kiss and the kiss feels good and genuine then days or weeks later , when you find a lie , the poison slowly enters your system making you ill . You aren’t going to die a quick death but your relationship with every kiss of poison is dying a slow , excruciating painful death . Pretty fucking sad I would say . Sick of being poisoned by someone I am maddeningly in love with .
A good analogy for me is eating donuts. Having a sweet tooth, I would like nothing more than sitting down with a family sized bucket of donuts, and eating myself silly. But I don't. I know the donuts are not good.
Ha ! He would do both lol
Prob while PMO . Lol
How are you doing?
Thanks for asking ❤️<3
I’ve been present for every single activity in Cayman . Except for yesterday. I went on my own to snorkel alone w my thoughts . I never expected for him to respond to the Husband Letter , or anything after Saturday. There are TRUE moments where I tell myself I can stay in this marriage on paper , sleep separate etc , have a life separate from him . And then there are moments I feel really bad for HIM . Been doing this too long with him , have supported him , to be treated neglectfully . I think I started freaking out today internally because I know I’ll b home tmrw night . I’m starting to get the anxious belly . Couldn’t eat today , In the Caymans! WTF has this man done to me
I hear ya...what the hell has this man done to me?
I feel the same way. Quite honestly I feel like he’s sucked the life out of me.
Be strong, stand up for your rights and beliefs. Don’t settle for anything less.do what is good for you all ways and always.
They just don’t get it . And if they do it’s only until they relapse
sort of like...ooops I forgot.
It’s like all work has been erased in their minds and in the relationship with one lie
Yup. I'm trying to work my way back to having the joy my wife and I used to have. For the wife of an addict who's not repentant of his behavior, that is misery I hope to never know.
I feel so upset for you through all of this.
And as an SO , I applaud recovery , in all forms ! Just be honest and Transparent. As you would and should expect from your wife . Want my phone , passwords , take it . Those that have nothing to hide , hide nothing .
I’m home . Haven’t seen him . We leave for a 2 week summer rental like every year tonight . I texted HIM asking if he’s coming because I need to know how many cars I have to load up . He said “ NO”
I said at all ? He said “ Probably Not “
That leaves ME to tell the boys something tonight . Ugg , his mess , me cleaning up , AGAIN .
I dont remember exactly how old your kids are but i remember one is at least a young adult....
Can tou tell those of age appropriate level to call him and ask him why he is not coming? Then they are given an answer and YOU are not involved. Right wrong or ugly its HIS respinsibilty to provide an explaination to his kids for HIS actions, not you to explain for him.
21 and 17 boys
I gave him opportunity to speak w them while I was away . He didn’t . He’s being really immature. I have no choice .