Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Moments of clarity when you really dig deep and start to dissect what you REALLY had .

    SLIGHT TRIGGER ?
    Let’s talk about sex baby , let’s talk about you and me , let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things let’s talk about sexxxx .

    Of late , reminiscent of old days when deep in it . Robotic , routine , kinda boring , like his chore . Once a week on the wknd on his day off in the morning , no kissing or passion . Just became sex . I physically did all the work . Me on top . Once in awhile he would actually thrust . Wtf . Why did I let this continue. Was he even there ?? I just reread my journal from 16’ to today . Holy fucking shit . I was a MESS internally. What was I doing ?? So many sex issues with it . There was ZERO desire for me for a long time . I think when I get sad I need to re read it . We were not connected since DDAY 16’ really other than Aug-Dec . Sure there were these REALLY great connections but riddled with questions and inconsistencies, DE , PE , , ED . We’d have an AMAZING passionate intimate moment which would get my hopes up that it would happen more . And then NOTHING . I know I KNEW it . I began questioning myself . Listening to Intimate Deception. It’s empowering actually.
     
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  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Journal entries are great for review.i hear ya on the mechanical sex. It’s a tough road to be on.
     
  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    It’s a very weird twisty lonely road for sure
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I started Intimate Deception, too, and WOW! I did not expect to start crying on page 1! So profound.
     
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  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    100% I’m glad I listened to it not read it . So picture this :

    I’m on a floating dock , listening in my head phones no one around , she starts saying this scripture towards the end of the book ( I’m not very religious) it made my whole body shake and tremble and it all just came out of me . EVERYTHING. But something strange happened, I felt a calm come over me , the trembling stopped and I felt more validated than I ever have in my life . God I wish I picked this book up years ago . I am firm in the thought I would not be i the position I’m in now . But I probably never would have found NOFAP . I’m so glad you picked up this book . ❤️♥️ I think ALL SO NEED TO READ THIS . Get HOOPLA from your library for FREE .
     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You are the second person to have mentioned it in a two week span, and it's the first I had heard of it. Looked it up and it looked amazing. It does not disappoint.

    Btw...if anyone is the kind to write in the margins and highlight...DEFINITELY buy it.
     
  7. Going to pick this up! Hugs to you this evening!
     
  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    @Real Roboin this is how I’m doing :(
    Life changes about page 9 on this journal .
    I’m not really DOING . It’s just all so frustrating
     
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Have you read anymore of the book ? I’m curious if you other ladies get what I got from it ♥️
     
  10. I just started listening today. Chapter one. It's pretty right on the spot.
     
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  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    No, chapter 2 right now...working a lot and running kids around.
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I. Am. Tired.
    It’s better than the adrenaline from a trigger . But I’m tired . I changed his name in my phone to STRANGER . And changed his contact pic to a tiny black heart . It was def kinda cathartic. That’s who he’s become to me in the last almost 4 weeks . I know when I walk into MY OWN HOME Saturday , I will feel like a stranger in my own home . Anxiety and Anticipation are what’s keeping me up late . Not the fact that I’ve slept alone for almost a month . Surprisingly after sleeping next to HIM for 23 years , the effect of not sleeping next to HIM is not bringing on the loneliness I thought it would . So many nights I slept “ alone “ anyways . Listening to content snoring while quietly I cried myself to sleep . I’m no fool , I know this is going to HURT . To actually feel what it’s going to be like . But then again it’s been almost 2 weeks since any contact at all .
     
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  13. I loved this book=it is my favorite on Betrayal Trauma because I felt understood.
     
  14. Sex in my marriage was pretty much always disappointing too-like the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water, I too didn't notice how bad it got until it was suffocatingly obvious (2 years with no sex obvious). For me, I held on so tightly to who my husband was when we married, that I refused to believe that he became who he did. It's really inhumane. Porn robs a woman of being desired-it robs us of our femininity and our sensuality until we basically become blow up dolls for a man to use while he fantasizes about someone else. It's insanity.
     
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  15. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I gotta buy me that book. I read a sample part of it and it sounds really good. QnB you sound like you are really in touch with your feelings and emotions. I’ll get there, I’m all over the map. (Still) I understand completely about feeling lonely in the company of others. I get it.
    Hang in there girl...we will survive and thrive...
     
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I think the “ good place “ is because I’m not home . I fear the losing of ones shit if I have to see him every day pretending to be unaffected. I fear a verbal meanness from me or a vengeful heart . I usually don’t play with either . But these are unusual circumstances.
     
  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    MY DREAM LAST NIGHT

    I woke up crying . In my dream I had his car detailed as a surprise but cleaned it out first . I first found a Polaroid camera then what looked like an iPad . In my dream I checked the memory on the camera and it was old pictures of our kids and my dad ( passed ) .
    The iPad wound up being this big weird calculator.
    So I’m guessing my dream was more about interpreting that in the past I always gave him trust and benefit of the doubt , and the Polaroid are things I’m losing. I have no idea but it fucked me up . So much adrenaline
     
  18. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good morning sometimes the loosing of ones shit isn’t a bad thing! Yes it is definitely hard to watch them carry on unaffected, while we feel we are being torn apart. Ya I don’t know it’s a weird dynamic and addiction.
    Your dream....
    Maybe the detailing of the car symbolizes, seeing all the details of him. Finding things out.
    The camera records the history and history it was that you saw.
    The IPad calculator...maybe symbolizes, the calculation of dates and moving forward!
    Just A Guess
     
  19. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Boy I am in those shoes, Would happen more then nothing but disconnected boring sex. If we were not facing ED
     
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  20. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Yes I have felt like a blow up doll........masturbation substitute bang me and get it over with.
     
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