Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Well...when my PA through his temper tantrum...I said “sober up, clean up and grow the f*ck up, you’re almost 50yrs old. Then he ran away .

    I’ve done what you are questioning, sociopath, psychopath, borderline narcissist? Finally I decided it’s his shit to fix and figure out . I just have to look after me and protect my interests.

    It’s a solid mind f*ck of epic proportions. So sorry you’re going through this.
     
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  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ugh I hope he runs away . Without draining our investments first .
     
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  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yep, I know the delight you speak of. It seems like they get some kind of kick out of the torment. It also reminds of something I experienced a lot, “Cheaters High or Duper’s Delight” . There’s some great articles on the topic.

     
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    This sounds all too familiar. I had this for years and years...it’s tormenting, and crazy making bullshit!!

    Who the fuck does he think he is after everything he’s put you through!! Makes me mad!!

    Hang in there lovely!! You are not crazy, you are not worthless and you are certainly not a fool to all his bullshit. He is the sad one, he needs serious help, he needs a wake up call. As GW use to say, he needs to hit rock bottom!!

    Thinking of you and sending thoughts of strength and love your way xx

     
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  5. From what I've seen now in Mourde's father when they get to this point the only help is a live-in rehab. If yours isn't willing to accept he's an addict and still in lies that deep and thinking he's recovered I wouldn't lose sleep or emotions over him. Seriously your health is way more important than this. Hugs to you. Be strong for you and the boys.
     
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  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm so, so sorry for all that you are going through. Is divorce inevitable? If so, you need to file ASAP. He will be held accoutable for every penny he spends. Even if you aren't working, everything is considered marital property and he cannot claim it's all his. This may be something you need to do to protect yourself and your boys. If nothing else, most lawyers give a free consultation to give you your options.
     
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  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’m thinking I’m left with no choice , again .
    What happens when you have a hard line in the marriage and all of a sudden your spouse says that lines too hard . I’m not budging . No more P , no more LIES .
    Him : I know you don’t want to be with me anymore your emails were clear
    Me : it’s not that I don’t WANT to it’s that I CANT . I can’t be lied to ever again and you can’t even promise me you won’t try

    Him : ( nothing he just looked sad and at the ground )

    FFS I’m tireddddd
     
  8. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    He sounds like he’s full of self pity and playing the victim as they do. I remember a few years ago, when my husband was still deep in his addiction and in total denial about it, refused to do any recovery work because in his opinion he didn’t have a problem any more and blatantly telling me he’d rather we lost everything, the house, break up our family etc than him having to try, or get into recovery, it was all too much work for him and in his words not worth the effort...not to mention he didn’t see the harm in his behaviour, it was me who apparently was just overbearing and trying to control his every move. It’s a miracle that we are even where we are today. If I hadn’t been so financially trapped I don’t know that we’d ever have had the chance to work through it because back then I think I would have left a thousand times over....he was such an uncaring selfish addicted prick!
     
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  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    He sounds like he’s full of self pity and playing the victim as they do.


    BUT HES NOT SHOWING SELF PITY , he is saying he fucked up . But nothing to do to repair . Almost it is what it is
     
  10. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yep I just meant the looking sad and at the ground part, a lot like self pity...

    And yep, I hear ya, the “ is what it is “ part. I got that so much too. The “ oh well, this is me , if you don’t like it and can’t accept it then too bad! You can’t expect me to be something I’m not, I can’t live like this “ absolute bullshit!! Too bad I’m just a tormented and mind fucked wreck over here!! :mad:
     
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  11. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    What a weirdo . He left a notebook out that he was working on at hotel the other night it was titled
    GOALS 7/20
    Detailed !
    Diet plan
    Exercise plan
    Hygiene plan

    I swear I almost wrote :
    STOP LYING TO MY WIFE

    His priorities and focus are so effed up . I know what it is . He’s thinking he’s going to be single , can’t be the lazy unshowered slob he’s been for me
     
  12. You two have talked about divorce? I know Mourde when deep in his cycle wouldn't shower daily or exercise and it ticked me off bad. I know now when he isnt doing those things yours has listed that Mourde is actually heading into a cycle.

    I know my biggest problem is I dont listen to my husband as much as I should. I assume and that's when things go badly. He does the same with me.

    Him admitting he messed up and basically screaming out he feels caged is how he feels...you cant change that. He also cant look at porn as an addict ever again.

    And as much as we may hate it on an SO side...the addicts have to heal themselves before they can heal relationships.

    Boundaries he shouldn't argue but discussions help to understand why he feels how he does.

    It's hard I know and I'm not saying what he doing is right. Good hygiene isn't a bad thing though? It depends on his real reasons.

    Try to smile today please.
     
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  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I know that list is his list for being a single man . I’m no dummy . He should’ve asked to go back to couple therapy to discuss his caged feelings . Or to me BEFORE buying another laptop and lying about it . He was only no M FOR 4 months after DDAY 1/17-4/17 while we were in couples therapy. Well there lies his ED and lack of desire . He’s just a liar
    “ I only lie with this , I’m not a liar “

    Right but he’s been lying / hiding : omitting our ENTIRE marriage. I just didn’t know it . Until I did . This is the first time divorce has come up . It just doesn’t matter , he offered nothing in the way of what he’s willing to do to fix this . He thinks he can PMO once in awhile . It became multiple times a week again . He’s an addict . How he chooses to see it I can’t change . That’s the hard line in the sand , isn’t it . He wants PMO once in awhile, I don’t want it in my marriage. A nice healthy sex life filled with desire for ME , not riddled with ED , embarrassment, humiliation .
     
  14. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    You deserve better! He has made it obvious he is not willing to change. Time to protect yourself and hire a lawyer. Move on. You will be happier!
     
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Love is a funny great but super effing hard to let go . I know I have to .
     
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  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Therapy

    Today was a good session for ME . Of course it’s things I know . Self care . Stop thinking / worrying ahead of the future . Stop worrying about HIM . Protect the finances . Don’t do things for HIM .
    Have a calm conversation about living together separated . Bills , groceries, dividing duties etc . Shut off this ginormous forgiving heart inside me .
    Don’t demand no porn in the Den . I will then worry , look for it . Just assume it’s there . Nutrition ( MUST EAT )
    Sleep ( GET SOME) yoga , gym . Meditation.
    Don’t isolate .
    STOP LOOKING AT THE GOLDEN THREADS IN MY RELATIONSHIP . Instead look at the dirty knots all tangled that are impossible to get through . This becomes easier to detach my heart I guess . I have my first SANON meeting this week. I’m going in expecting nothing but hoping for an IRL community.
    Try to reduce the amount of passive aggressive/ cockiness that I KNOW is in me and will try to come out often . Ugh more work for me ? BUT it’s work FOR ME . I’m so very tired already . I’m tired of my wet pillow . I’m tired of caring about him . Tired of caring what he wants and needs .
    I’m worthy . I’m special. I’m a fucking UNICORN ♥️♥️♥️
     
  17. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    The things he says sound so familiar. “I only lie about this, I’m not a liar “ heard that so many times.

    Going back a few years the no willingness was the same. It was like he had just given up, had the whole “what’s the point in even trying attitude” . He never used to say anything in regards to how he could possibly try and fix things or what he was willing to do. That all basically boiled down to, he had no idea how to fix things, didn’t know how to get out of the mess he’d created and the shame just kept him stuck in his own self pity and victim mode. I used to say all the time “you’re not even willing” and he’d agree, he’d just given up it’s all too hard. Constantly heard about how he feels caged up and it would be easier to just leave, but it was only because he was trying to protect his addiction, his pacifier, his comfort aid, and I was just a mere threat, something standing in his way.

    The biggest thing is had to want to do it for himself. He had to see the damage it was causing him and want to heal himself. I know my husband could not get himself into recovery until he wanted it for himself, not for me. He often says you get the benefit too of course but it has to be for him first. I think that was a turning point for him and also the finally “getting” that he’s not actually losing anything mentality but instead gaining so much more back in his own life.

    It’s such a horrible addiction. Im glad to hear your therapy session went well and the SANON community sounds like it could be a great in person support for you too.

    Edit: oh and I meant to say, we did an in house separation at one point, things were real bad, we were talking divorce, there was no time limit to it, I think it was about 4 months in the end but ironically the same thing, all of sudden starts buying himself new clothes, starts making an effort to look good, showered, smelled nice and all this shit, not at all for me, wouldn’t even talk or look in my direction....
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
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  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Honestly the woman in me KNOWS this is the addiction. I’m not gonna lie I HAVE gone back and forth with thoughts of trial separation etc , but the whole RI thing , the way he was able to lie over and over really actually scared me . This has nothing to do with him going to the strip club ( I mean a little, deal long time ago you don’t go I don’t go , you go , I go , equal simple as that ) it’s more to do w the lying . Same with the P , same with the M same with the laptop.

    I look at like this , was talking to my bro about it
    If I’m single , which that’s 99% where it’s headed, he asked what if the guy your interested in is into porn ? I said simply I’m not going to be “ interested “ in anyone enough to get invested . Like ok if porns everywhere and everyone watches , why bother being in a full relationship with someone addicted to it lying to you . I think In my case the damage is done . I’m pretty independent,know what I want in a partner , if I can’t get it I’ll date and have fun and enjoy my kids . I’m not going to curl up and die emotionally but I probably would if I stayed in THIS relationship THIS way . ♥️
     
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  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yep, I hear ya loud and clear. I remember when we were living separately in the house, and somehow or other after 4 months we had decided to try and work things out again and it was not long after that I found the emails where he'd signed up for the "Meet up for a Fuck site" I was just shattered and mind blown. It was like WTF, after everything I've been through and now I'm finding this. He'd signed up while we'd been separated and thought he'd deleted the account and out of the blue these emails start showing up. No mention to me back then when we'd been trying to reconcile about any of it. The lying is what is really fucked up more than anything.

    And you know, yesterday when we went for a walk, after he was home from work, I was talking to him about how I only realised it was 12 months since the last D Day, and I was saying the biggest thing that swarmed over me at first after i'd just woken up was the memory of that day, and his lying. I had discovered that he was looking at porn again (well hadn't actually stopped) the day before and was just stewing on it. And I decided I wanted to talk to him about how he was going with his addiction. I wanted to see his lying in action and wanted to see how long he could keep up the charade. Well fuck me, 3 hours later he was still full blown lying and discussing how good everything was going and how he didn't even think about it anymore, never had any urges etc.... and it was then that I could really see the compulsive liar in full swing and how easy it was for him, the duper's delight smiles and true as you say it was fucking scary.... You should of seen his face and everything come crumbling down when I called him out at the end and how I knew it was all just lies and bullshit, I just wanted to see you in action.....yesterday he said, I think I needed that to really see how fucked up everything really was but yeah that was the first thing that came to mind yesterday morning, it's all the lies that destroy more than anything not what they actually look at or do.
     
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  20. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

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    I’ve read your whole journal now. So many familiar things, awful things. My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
     

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