Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I have an earlier one on the SO forum that basically describe the sick n twisted . Thanks love ❤️ I just have to keep telling myself I’ll be ok and HAPPIER
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    He got in at 8 from work . No hello , literally like I’m not here . AGAIN. I just talked about this exact thing in our convo yesterday. At least have common decency. Well KARMA is a bitch . He’s outside in the thunder and lightning cooking on the grill . It made me think how the old me would have made dinner a second time for HIM in the rain . UNICORN . Eff this guy and the mutt he rode in on . I’ve done NOTHING wrong . Idiot . I’m getting mad .
     
  3. Wow. I started this journal at the beginning and your tone is dramatically different. I am saddened at the way “the story is going. “

    A journal filled with tough details to tackle.

    Compulsive lying. This shows up over and over in the journal.

    Why does he lie ?
    Does he trust you?
    Who does he trust ?
    Who is he protecting with his lies?
    Why does he feel threatened ?

    I see boundaries is where you are focused now and I Think he will thank you silently for that.

    By default, You are his boundary. But you do not need to be. I don’t ever think a spouse should be an accountability partner because there is a conflict is interest as long as the person identifies as an addict. His needs boundaries to function and given you are not enabling him —-you are a natural de facto boundary.

    However You are not his solution. Men do need isolation in order to stop blaming others for their challenges. Separation obviously brings this laboratory of contemplation. It’s very helpful. I know you seem to cringe at that , but maybe look at it like a hyperbaric chamber. It’s not designed for both of you. Just him.

    As far as why and how he is disconnecting— that makes perfect sense when you consider the questions I asked above.

    Addicts disconnect in order to deal with their trauma. In this sense, disconnection is their language.

    I hope this helps , but as I say to others... if you feel this advice does not fit you or your situation , please don’t hesitate to take it back to the store. Hang in there sis. I appreciated your story very much.
     
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  4. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, this is enlightening.
     
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  5. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

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    It is so frustrating when they do this. We are over here with our souls crushed by what they’ve done to us and they walk around completely disconnected, without a worry in the world. How can they say they love us and then do this? This is mental illness.
     
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  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Taking care of me

    Physical Today ( booked yesterday )
    It went well . I love my PC Dr . She’s been my doctor through everything. She was really sad for me . Im doing good today . Hoping I didn’t really mess up my A1C this last month . Lost 10 pounds not in the healthy way . I’ll fix that

    Scheduled my mammogram ( 1st one )

    Had an X-ray done on my collarbone/shoulder ( put off fit 6 months )

    Taking care of ME . While I have insurance lol
     
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ya that convo sucked . More of the same . Give him a time frame , he’s moving back home with his sister and going to work and get transferred to the branch there 90 min away from us . once he has a time frame . He has friends there . Figure out what’s next . It’s weird this is why we are over . I’m throwing all the good memories away . Gutted .
    He’s kinda still turning it on me . He’s not going to fight for me since I’ve made myself clear . But I’m making this decision because he has a “ vice “ he’s not addicted. He feels terrible about lying but “ it is what it is “ .
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2019
  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Went to SANON last night . It was a very helpful tool for ME . I’m in limbo at the moment it’s a very uncomfortable feeling for someone like me . I’m an organized freak lol I don’t do well with things out of my control
     
  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yes this has always been me but I’m slowly learning to try not to control everything....I often remind myself of the Buddha quote “Relax - nothing is in control”.

    It’s great you found this group when you did, so you can receive the support you need and deserve x

    upload_2019-7-26_9-32-7.jpeg
     
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  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I feel like the Tasmanian Devil lately . But then I feel like a damned sloth .
    Or like Alice in Wonderland in a really surreal nightmare or like I’m a fucking speck . A nothing . :)
    I’m trying to just keep everything relaxed . I get 2 hour massages because it takes me at least an hour to relax my body and brain lol but I’ve always been this way this has just accelerated all of it ♥️
     
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  11. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    So I sent him an email Wed of all the thoughts in my head I had to get out . He came in last night came right to me and said he glanced at it but wants to take the time to properly read it . He’s atleast using his words. I’m not being ignored in my house .

    I got 2 job leads . One I can start ASAP would be easy not really using any of my brain ( a plus ) ONLY 30 hrs but not enough hours to sustain my house . The hours wouldn’t allow for a second job . But would allow for work life balance .
    The other job sounds pretty intense , could be so brain intense I could burn out , not sure if any work /life balance . But would be FT and better pay .
    BOTH options scare me to be honest .
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I am going to WORK these 12 steps as a list for myself . ♥️♥️

    #1. I admit I am powerless over his sexaholism /porn addiction , that my life had/has become unmanageable.

    I AM powerless over this . I can’t CHANGE it , I can’t CONTROL it , I can’t CURE it .
    No matter what I say or do , said or did the behaviors will continue regardless. He has to be the one to want to CHANGE IT , CONTROL IT , CURE it ( I know there’s no “ cure “ . My life has / had become unmanageable. I said no to some really awesome things to protect him from being home alone . I let this addiction CONTROL AND CHANGE ME . I’m not who I once was , the joy and spark within has been dulled enough where I almost can’t see it . That is so so sad . I craved intimacy in every way possible. Initiating every time . I was a detached friend , sister , mother , but never a detached wife . THAT IS SICKENING. I did not take good care of my physical and mental health . I had spidey senses and intuition and doubt since 12/16 And brought it up gently to hear more lies . The last 6 months I COULD NOT QUIET them . So I did somewhat detach from him . With questions of “ your quiet , what’s wrong , is it because we didn’t have sex ? Your different when you don’t get endorphins, I’m not feeling sexual desire of any kind for anything “ ( he was , for MO for over a year and PMO for the last 6 months , JUST NOT ME “) I could have had a longer visit with my sick nephew in January but the pull to be home was fierce , my nephew passed 6 weeks later in March at 21 . I’m mad at myself but my life had become unmanageable. 6 weeks after he passed my stepfather got really ill and passed in April . I put the grief of losing those 2 people I LOVE in a box . I was crying myself to sleep not for THEM but for the sadness I felt washing over me due to the disconnect with my husband . THAT IS THE BIGGEST WAY MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. I put him first .
     
  13. They pull us into their insanity. you did the best you could with what you knew.
     
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  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I believe I REALLY did
     
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  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    FFS !!

    HIM : So my car is dead in the work parking lot. Sounded like a belt and then my battery light went on and the car died. Someone here said probably alternator belt. I had alternator replaced a couple of years ago (I think).
    Can someone pick me up later or drop me off a car sometime today. I'll have AAA tow it to The garage .

    ME : boys aren’t around it’s going to have to be me ....



    UGG I JUST WANT TO SAY CALL A FUCKING UBER . But I won’t . That is going to be an AWKWARD 40 minute drive. Is this the UNIVERSES way of playing a sick fucking joke . :emoji_black_heart::emoji_black_heart::emoji_bust_in_silhouette::emoji_bust_in_silhouette::emoji_cry:
     
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    He Talked about work whole time trying to kill the awkwardness . Then 5 minutes before home . “ I read your email , can I read it again tmrw not rushed and then we can talk “ I said sure it shouldn’t be rushed . Sit with it . Now I’m making burgers for him and boys they are going to want to have family dinner .
    Boys took food upstairs I told him he could have living room to watch game I’m outside now on deck he wouldn’t stop trying to make light conversation I shoulda just never said anything ever lol
    Just trying to control the stupid heart palpitations. That 40 min ride though . As we were getting out he looked over at me he said “ thank you for leaving the party to come get me I thought I was going to have to get an Uber because couldn’t picture how the ride was going to go “. I smiled and said I almost told you to get an Uber , and he asked me not to poison his burger I said don’t worry you can’t Taste it.
    I don’t think he was very happy with what I was wearing when I picked him up . Buncha work guys outside . Cropped shorts , tight tank , side braid ;) Sorry just came from a party that I could have stayed at , it’s funny how many PA are jealous like that .ya your wife’s a head turner , just not yours lately . Armour in full affect .
     
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  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ugg we wound up both on couch watching the game . He asked about the summer house how it went . Yuck I talked more than I wanted to . I don’t want to be nice to have to be mean tmrw when he doesn’t hear what he wants . FFS ! :emoji_busts_in_silhouette::emoji_lock::emoji_dagger::emoji_bee::emoji_bee:
    Sipping my Dark and Stormy , oh how apropos :emoji_zap::emoji_zap:
     
  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Whelp he was already in the den by 7a .
    What I’ve learned is to just assume he used this morning. That’s always been his MO ( pun intended) . To get up before me . Even on his days off . While I’m a warm half naked body in bed . PFFT . I’m not “ triggered “ in the way I used to be . I’m “ triggered “ to throw that guard right back up lol
     
  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ugh . Got ready for gym . Guess who else is ready for the gym . FFS
     
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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