Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. I read on your other post that you are an empath too-here also. Being an empath with a PA as a partner sure makes he crazy making that much more crazy.
     
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  2. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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  3. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    I just read some of your journal and I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you. I hope that this separation is the beginning of things getting better for you. Being the SO of a SA/PA who isn't fully committed to recovery is a pain beyond words!
     
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    :emoji_bust_in_silhouette:This mother fucker tried to mark his territory at the gym . We took separate cars . No sir you can not have it both ways . You can not keep me to yourself when you didn’t give an F about hiding and lying to me . No sir . No no no . Had a great workout regardless . :emoji_cartwheel::emoji_laughing:
     
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  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    That's maddening. I'm sorry.
     
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  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’m so so so
    Tired
    Angry
    Sad
    Lonely
    Confused
    Empty .

    In no particular order .
     
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  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yup, it’s a mind blowing , a life altering hidden addiction that creates so much turmoil , anxiety, hyper-vigilance,anger and deep pain.
    I finally got to the point, where I surrendered to what is . I thought I couldn’t go any lower...but there it was...DEFEAT.
    I’m exhausted too...so have your porn, girls, dopamine high etc...
    I’d rather have peace of mind, relaxation, joy and comfort...
     
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  8. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    I feel like I might be getting to this point. Original dday destroyed me. But this go round I just feel defeated and resigned.
    Looking back in retrospect now both he and I can see that the first attempt was doomed before it really started as M was reintroduced almost immediately and the recovery plan was weak. This time he seems to get it and is planning a fully engaged recovery strategy (at least right now at only one week after discovery). But I don't know if I can rally to do it all again. I feel like loving him through this and loving myself are mutually exclusive concepts. I feel flat. I feel done.
     
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  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’ve had 4 IMPACTFUL DDAYS . In 10 years . Only the one in 2016 welcomed any sort of recovery/ therapy / FANOS . I thought this time was going to be different .
     
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  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I have to put this here or I’ll forget !!
    . He went to the den I thought that’s where he was going to stay . He didn’t . I got caught sobbing . I have NOT let him see me breakdown. There will be no reconciliation. He doesn’t see it a problem . He hasn’t touched the laptop in 2 weeks . BUT yes it’s in his car . All same nonsense , no R movies ever , I’ll always want access to his stuff . He’ll always be restricted. No privacy . I researched way too much on “my side of things “ I sound like a text book . I CANT BE WITH A MAN LIKE THAt . I told him to not come upstairs while I’m home . I asked “ before this conversation ends ,would you see a therapist for you ? What if your wrong about addiction “
    He said “ what if the therapist is wrong , you’d tell me to find another therapist “
    So I just said DONT WORRY YOU WONT SEE ME CRY OVER YOU AGAIN . Fuck this douche . I said then this is no trial . Consider us separated in all forms of the word , other than that your still sleeping here .
     
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  11. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yup I hear ya. I asked an addict what is the quickest way to deal with someone who has an addiction. He said give them more of what they are addicted to!!! Basically his thought was you want it fine take it...do it...kill yourself...kill us....do what you need to do. Then he said, you have to be prepared to let go, stand back and watch.
    The addict now has the rope to either hang on, let go or hang themselves.
    I guess by letting go , it takes the mystery out of deception and lying. I don’t know if that makes sense...basically let go and let him face the consequences of his actions.
    I support you...you’re not alone...many people are here to be with you.
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I wish we could afford for him to go stay somewhere IMMEDIATELY. The crux of the issue really is , I should be looking to him for comfort but he’s the one who fucked me over . AGAIN and AGAIN . The ENTIRE situation just sucks . How long can I do this whole him in the den me in the main living area . The butterflies in my belly for him walking in the door have been replaced by the feelings of a thousand knives gutting my stomach and this mother fucker has the knife .
     
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  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I took off Friday morning like a bat outa hell . This wknd was what I needed w some really great ppl .
    I drove a Polaris through some pretty sick trails . Drove up a beautiful mountain . Went to a waterfall . Saw a whole lot of Gods natural pure beauty. Rested my head . Cried a little, laughed A Lot ! I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. GO. HOME. . I drank I smoked did anything I wanted for all the right reason . My boys knew where I was and I made sure to be in contact with them . The shadow man got a note with just a few words lol
    “ Gone for the weekend, enjoy your privacy “
    I owe HIM nothing. I saw I will be ok when this ends when and however it does . I know the in house separation road will be a long one . I know I have to detach ( not with love , that’s too hard ) I have to DETACH completely. He is not my friend . He’s my house partner . He’s the father of my children at this point . My stunning 3.5 carat ring will not be worn iHe will not be the one comforting my pain he’s never been good at that . He will continue to inflict my pain . With intent or not .
    I know I’m a good woman . I know that I’m a beautiful woman . I know that I have Been a loyal wife to a fault . I know he is not ever going to be my mirror . He will never reflect the kind of spouse I am and have always been . The financial part , the house part willl be the scariest part of all . I’ll be ok though . I have money I just didn’t want to touch future money
     
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  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Quick hellos , ate dinner as a family. Dispersed . He went to the den thank the good lord . Much easier night that way . I don’t care what he’s doing. He seems to not care what I’m doing either so there’s that lol
     
  15. Lostneverland

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    Hallelujah...you go girl...you sound so empowered...right on
     
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Girlllll I’m trying to practice the empowerment. To actually say the things I’m going to do is different than doing them . But I am starting to really focus on me and MY happiness. I struggle when I look to far in the future and I freeeze. Trying to focus on the day ahead of me .
    Hanging w my sis at her pool and then therapy at 3 , she’s going to add some Reiki in ;)
     
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  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    ? had therapy was really good for me and he came in tonight n said hi I said hi he made himself food n went to the den . So much fucking easier . Start a job Aug 19th , it’s not what I WANT pay isn’t great but it’s what I NEED . To do SOMETHING right now . $1 is bettter than no dollar
     
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  18. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    That's great! Great for you! Congrats
     
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  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’ve never not worked through both pregnancies . Owned businesses together . This is such a weird spot for me . It’s not being held over my head or anything, it’s ME . I don’t like having to depend on anyone :(
    I put myself in a pickle of sorts
    I also hate that I feel like I OWE him something because he worked a 13 hour day , now that he , after NEVER , not once , ever in 23 years is :
    Doing his own laundry
    Making his lunch
    Cooking his own meals ( unless we are all home )
    Washing HIS dishes
    Sleeping on the couch
    Paying ALL the bills

    I feel like a leech . It’s stupid I know
     
  20. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Yeah you shouldn't feel that way. You were both contributing and further more you weren't the one lying and damaging the relationship
     
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