Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Content : pleased with your situation and not needing or desiring it to be better .

    Hopefully he doesn’t fully understand the word “content “ when he used it .
    If quantifying the marriage to an 8 as being content and I’m probably at a 5 , we are wayyyy off lol :)
     
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  2. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    Love your profile picture. It is so cute. :) :) :)
     
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  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Soo . FANOS . FANOS .
    It makes it so it’s not a whole bunch of fucking word vomit . OUR F matched , he felt what I was feeling , lonely . Our A , he a couple weeks later felt the need to apologize for the click . N we both had the same , need for the connection. O , I owned my guard going up , he owned his behavior for my guard going up . S , I struggled with hyper vigilance since I’ve been back . HIS S was all good , he wrote he’d work on integrity.
    We are now going to do FANOS midweek AND once on the weekend
     
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  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Some questions we went over had to do with his fetish .
    Me : when we do those things does it trigger you to go look it up
    Him : absolutely not , way better to do it then watch someone else
    The fetish started before porn addiction .
    I’m just wondering what if we stopped , would he then seek the Porn affiliated with it ?
     
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  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    FANOS went well on Sunday . It’s funny I was tired and just wanting to speak them but he still wanted to do it on paper so he wouldn’t forget lol
    That’s progress ! He could have just fluffed and he didn’t ;)
    We both have new jobs ( apart from each other for the first time in 15 years )
    We were called the Siamese twins . This feels weird and pretty traumatic to be honest . We always worked together:(
    I have this whole separate thing now .
     
  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’m going out on a girls night tonight . I stopped saying YES a long time ago probably a decade , because was consumed with what my husband would /could do . Like I had control over it somehow . Girls trips , nights out, all while he had that secret laptop. We have the money where I could have said yes to ANYTHING. I missed out on a lot . I’m thankful my BF still asks ;)
    So we talked last night about what to avoid . I said to him “ I’d like a night out free of worry of what my husband is doing “
    I hate that this is how it has to be , how it’s been , but whatever. I’m going to do my best to have a great time !
     
  7. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Yeeeeee!!!
    Girls nights are the best :)
    Have a blast; you deserve it!
    I'll gather some bail $ :emoji_joy:
     
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  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    SO just called from work as I won’t see him before I leave . He initiated and directed the convo in the direction of tonight . The things he will do , won’t do and he stressed he “ i fucked up when you were away , I am putting things in place . I just want you to have a great time out !”
    There was more to it , but him acknowledging why I was nervous was HUGE and I said so !! USE YOUR WORDS LADIES !!!
     
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  9. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Enjoy yourself tonight! I'm wishing we could all have a NoFap girls' night out :)
     
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  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I had a fanfuckingtastic time ! The Patron shots helped . I laughed ! I danced !
    I’m going to say YES more !! AND I told my BF of 27 years . It slipped out , I’ve isolated myself for 2 years . I haven’t been the best friend I could be /used to be . It was a quick convo , one that requires a much longer sit down .
    AND to report , he was a well behaved grown up even though both my boys unexpectedly went out for the night . Progress !! AND he was open right away this morning in bed . He brought it up . So I felt really open and we started the day AMAZING;)
     
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  11. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    FUNNY STORY !! That became NOT funny .
    I’ll set the scene but SERIOUS TRIGGERS and I don’t know how to do that trigger /spoiler thingy !!


    TRIGGER WARNING !!!!
    So , Friday both boys were out for the night . We had plans to see his mom at nursing home . Had to leave by 6:30 to feed her dinner ( she won’t eat their food , so it’s a second dinner ) .
    I decided to surprise him when he got home at 5:30 . He didn’t get home until 5:50 . But heck it was already set in motion ! Trying to be spontaneous! Lights off , one candle on table in living room . I was on couch “waiting “ music playing . He was SHOCKED at what I was wearing ( I’ve worn it before but only on vacation lol ) He came right over to me . At first all shy . But totally “ready” right away lol
    Cut to 20 min later ( a lot of fun ) he started “ losing it “ . I revived “it” orally albeit temporarily. At that point I stopped trying . . I was embarrassed. Disgusted that of all nights /times , in a full blue fishnet getup he was losing his erection . It shouldn’t have been like this . I quickly moved to a spot where he couldn’t see my face and put my robe on . Again I can not say how embarrassing this was for me . I said “ I’ll go get dressed so we can eat and go “ Ofcourse I was crying . I hid it .
    He said “ I don’t know what happened ! “
    I came downstairs and I knew he could tell I was upset , but he kept saying “ your mad at me “ . I said I was not mad . We were running late so we ate in the car. Barely tasting anything. Holding back my tears . WHERE MY HEAD WENT : ok he had PIED in the past , maybe 3 out of 10 times he would lose it . His old thoughts and worries of PIED sometimes still causes performance anxiety . WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WAS PROGRESS AND good . The old routine was me getting upset and holding in the full WHY . He said “ we can try that next Friday ! “ I said I’m mortified,embarrassed, feel stupid planning that “
    He said “ I know what you are probably thinking, that I did something today already or that you are triggered of the past , what I’m about to say will probably make things worse , I’ve done nothing, I was thinking about a beer and dinner the whole ride home , you caught me off guard , I knew we were running late to feed my mom I got in my head and I’m so sorry ! I know I fucked up , tell me everything you are feeling PLEASE “
    Ofcourse I in my head was like WOW , who is this person with words and feelings ??
    My response
    “ it reminded me of ALL the years of you losing it , our 10th anniversary where you got home and I was in my wedding dress , wedding perfume , candles , it started great and you lost it . All the times I felt it was ME doing something wrong . I’m embarrassed. This shouldn’t be happening anymore , in the last year there’s been a handful of times where you lost it and I doubted you . I doubted you almost immediately tonight , I let go of that cuz I know your good and quickly went to embarrassed and thinking I’ll never surprise you again , I want to burn what I was wearing even though you’ve asked for “avatar” .
    HIM : I’m sorry I’m sorry , I swear I’m still no PM . I’m sorry I lost it and had NOTHING to do with you , we can try again ! Surprise me again because that was sexy AF and awesome. I can’t believe I was capable of even losing it then , my brain got in the way “
    Me : it will be a while before I do that again and that has more to do with me than you “
    We had a great visit with his mom . He was really affectionate all night after , where in the past we both would have stayed away from actually communicating what happened. Progress .
    We get home and he seduced me lol
    All gentle seducing . He knew the “sexy” was gone and knew obviously I needed reassurance , slow , gentle loving . He succeeded in everything. And we talked more in depth yesterday . And I know it 100% will be part of FANOS . I need to make sure we leave FANOS with neither of us feeling badly . I need to be clear , I in no way meant to make him feel bad about himself. I know he was fully present in the “sex scene act 1 take two “
    I think the communication around this HAD to happen. Maybe a part of the healing process that should have happened a lot sooner .
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Great FANOS !! Lots of words and feelings . I left the conversation with the heaviness of some residual feelings from Friday being cleared up . I feel good . I feel in control of my emotions
     
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  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Fucking finally! I’m a pretty understanding person when there are words and feelings involved. If we had just left things the way they were FRIDAY night like we used to , who knows how long that trigger would last !!
     
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  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I have been dizzy for a month . Brain scan normal so we now do more tests :(
    On a positive note , my husband has been soooo empathetic. Pre DDAY, I could be bloody and wounded crawling around the house and he’d ask for dinner lol
     
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  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I got a PM from a PA asking how the porn addiction affected my sexuality and femininity, because I had said it affected me to the core of both . I want to put it here

    sex·u·al·i·ty
    /ˌsekSHo͞oˈalədē/
    noun
    1. capacity for sexual feelings.
      "she began to understand the power of her sexuality"
      synonyms: sensuality, sexiness, seductiveness, desirability, eroticism, physicality; More
      • sexual activity
    fem·i·nin·i·ty
    /ˌfeməˈninədē/
    noun
    1. the quality of being female; womanliness.
      synonyms: womanliness, feminineness, womanly qualities, feminine qualities
      "she was a woman truly comfortable with her femininity"
    I’m sure you have seen it everywhere on here from SO on the hurt . There’s more to it .
    I’m alpha . I’m a boss ***** ( literally owned a few stores with my husband ) I’m a take charge kinda gal . But I’m also a feminine girly girl . Not like long dresses and soft voice lol . I keep myself looking nice . I think we’ve discussed before how I too enjoyed a dabble in PMO . I didn’t have a problem until it became one . Every time my SO would lose an erection your mind automatically thinks you are doing something wrong . Your sexuality takes hits over and over again . Not being chosen . Not being the center of attention of your Husband while out on a “date “dressed up , long hair down etc , but all the other men notice you . But he’s too busy eye fucking every female in the room . ( he never was this way up until the two years before DDAY ) . It got bad . High school sports events . The too young barely dressed XC girls etc . You start to lose what you thought you were in his eyes . His queen . His everything . His only want and desire . You feel like a tag along when you are out together. So you start to amp up your femininity. You wear a little more revealing clothes . You wear more makeup. You wear costumes. You try everything you have in your feminine arsenal . And .... nothing . So yes , as a byproduct of having my husband be a porn addict it affected my femininity, my sexuality and how I saw myself . I do not stand alone in this . We are almost 2 years since DDAY . Almost 2 years of NO P . It only started getting better 8 weeks ago when he started actually doing some work . Watching the Dr Weiss “ how to help heal 100% pushed us together. And FANOS !!
    I hope this made sense . When we speak of betrayal trauma , it is no fucking joke . I advise you to do some research on this . Buy the video series if you really want to know what she’s feeling .
     
  16. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I totally relate to this. I look back to when I met my husband and saw his instagram. I started posting more sexy photos and then he would be mad at me! He didn't want anyone to see my cleavage, or my legs, etc. I was trying to compete. To get him to SEE ME. I wore lingerie, did everything I could think of....

    The PA totally destroyed my femininity and sexuality. I used to be insanely sexual and confident, and always was quite feminine (yet totally the "male" type - leader, hard worker, kickass, etc.). Ever since the PA I have so many thoughts/insecurities in bed and can't really be there, and my femininity is slowly coming back... like I have this new shirt that is kinda flowy and fancy and it's black and pink.... and Jak loves it and I love it, but... he see's me.... so it's nice...
     
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  17. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    Well said QB!! Round of Applause!
    And THIS "Eye fucking every female in the room" I love how you described that....it's sooo fkn true!!
     
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  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    We skipped FANOS and talked about the article about triggers I posted . I made it clear that just because we’ve been good, great actually, there’s no telling how I’ll handle them and when . That yes they have lessened ,my physical, emotional responses have lessened but who knows how a trigger will affect me in the future, I can’t predict that . Really good connection all week especially this wknd , he had it off .
     
  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Some pretty cool things have happened. While out with relatives over the weekend my cousin said something about men needing their wives for too many things it was in a joking way . My Hubs “ ya I’m not exactly the most independent guy “ anyone that knows us knows I do a lot but it was cool to hear him say it outloud the appreciation For me followed . But then my husband and I were sitting there talking and all of a sudden she brought up that her and her husband got a divorce because he was a porn addict we both shifted in our seats and then my brother ( that knows ) changed the subject . And then Monday at work a new person only been there for a couple weeks she’s been upset her first day because her husband the week before told her he didn’t know if he was in love with her anymore so she’s been on and off crying but trying to hide it and then yesterday she pulled me aside and told me that her husband is a porn addict and is in denial I had to completely change my face and it made me really uncomfortable , I wanted to be there for her I was not willing to tell her my story especially a fellow coworker that I don’t know so I spun my story into that it was my cousin and the next day at work she said everything I said had given her strength to start doing some research on PA and BT . All of this I was able to bring up to my husband last night , neither of us were uncomfortable. It just gets easier to talk about these things these last few months . And then he mention something that totally blew me away my therapist is leaving on maternity leave and is not coming back so he knows I’ll be looking for a new one and he actually said “ maybe before you get your own new therapist we should find a new marriage counselor so we have one , it’s not fair that you’re the only one going to therapy and I understand that “ My heart swelled. He has Never brought up couple counseling since we left the last one in a bad place he knew that I left that appointment disliking our couples counselor very much so over all things of been going well and I definitely told him how much that meant to me and how sometimes he thinks something he is saying is small and in my world it is huge to hear.
     
  20. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I liked that post because of all the positive things that are falling into place in your recoveries and marriage. Lovely to hear. But randomly encountering two women whose relationships are killed because of pornography is frightening. I hope this addiction is not as widespread as it looks.
     

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