Leaving the Hive

I think it is WAY more prevalent than we know . It’s such a private addiction because you can’t see it . I truly believe this fellow employee was put in my path for a reason . My therapist has told me to PART of recovery from BT or PA is to be of service to others . It had taken 20 months after BIG DDAY to even begin both of our healing . It’s positive right now , and I hope this makes it just a little easier when things don’t go our way . We are talking . A lot . When the words porn or porn addiction come up with us we don’t shy away or avoid

 

We have been progressing. Communication is strong in every way . The “ initiation sex “ has been working well for the most part . Spending 30 minutes just chatting before the tv goes on at night is helping with connection. It feels authentic not forced . I’ve been so much better at not checking on him , not being hyper vigilant. It’s been 3 1/2 months with these changes , the worry is still there Ofcourse but it’s lessened Because we talk about the issues instead of us avoiding.

 

Dr Ruthie said awhile back , (8/13/18 ❤️when we BOTH actually started working to repair/recover our relationship ) it’s normal to be weary and worried that this is just a novelty /honeymoon phase , but that after 90 days of real relationship recovery a lot of the tools given “stick “. We are over 120 days into REAL changes .
732 days P free . He’s 130 days M free . I have my struggles with M now and then .
DDAY #2 came and went ( 12/22) he asked how my day was , I told him better than expected I was able to speak with very little tears which is really good for me ! He then said “ I’m Sorry “ something he has always had trouble saying IN the moment . He made Xmas special for me again . We missed FANOS a couple weeks in a row . No ones fault . But I realized I relied on this for mostly the sobriety/struggle report before . Where now the others are JUST as important. There’s just all these little changes he’s made in himself that are creating big changes in US . We are both reading The Seven Principles by Gottman . First chapter was boring and I wanted to punch myself in the face , so I was kinda worried about his reaction to it . His response “ the second chapter is much better “ lololol not what I expected. My husband has always been a kind , gentle man . But a man of few words . Which was fine cuz god knows I have TOO MANY WORDS . But now when we have deeper conversations, he’ll say something small and I say “elaborate “ and he chuckles then does just that . Looking back I know for sure that his PA definitely had a huge impact on his ability to be intimate on every level . In regards to the four horseman the only ones that showed up were “defensiveness and stonewalling “ and only with anything regarding his porn use . I’m feeling mentally healthier MOST days . But as expected the trust factor scares the shit out of me . I actually said to him during FANOS LAST MONTH “ FEELINGS - I’m feeling worried that these changes are not authentic and that you are secretly fucking me over “ he looked surprised, not shocked and not mad . He responds with “ totally understand and I have not lied or been faking any words or feeling “ I swooned quietly wondering who the fuck this verbal creature is and I hope he moves in permanently. I do not have rose colored glasses or false hope . I know full well he’s human but he is making progress . I leave next week for a long weekend down south with my oldest . I guess that’s when he will test his restraint . Conversations will happen given what happened while I was away in October

 

Feeling meh . Sometimes it happens for NO reason . There’s been no relapse . It’s more of a sexual desire mismatch at this point . Admittedly tonight he said “ I felt it lower when everything happened “
My response “ then that means your desire for me during P was the P “ our marital conflict has ONLY and always been around sex , regarding P or now his drive . I’ve become indifferent I know this . I do know once a week is not enough for me to feel sexually satisfied, emotionally satisfied or safe in the relationship. My go to is if he’s not fucking me hes fucking himself and THATS where I go dark and all spidey senses . And it’s not even true . A healthy compromise is once during the week and once on the wknd . If I’m not initiating it’s NOT happening. This conversation isn’t relationship ending but is a HARSH reminder to me every time that HE HAS THE SAY , again . Ha ! I don’t think it’s fair that he has a say at this point of how OUR sex life should go ! I’m too young . It makes me wonder what’s it’s going to be like when he actually is older . Everyone should feel desired . Just saying . I still desire him clearly . After all that he’s done . I’m the innocent victim and one would think if all he had to do to take all the fear away was to have sex w his wife twice a week then he would GLADLY oblige and initiate . I ain’t looking for a roommate

 

Ofcourse the rational brain of a betrayed spouse is going to be distorted from time to time . I can’t help that . Ofcourse then resentment comes in . Kind of like fuck you im a body I was there you chose P , now choose me , even if it’s instead of simply not choosing anything. A man will never understand a woman with betrayal trauma , they can try , they can read but shit half the time I don’t understand what’s happening in my brain and body . A more calm FANOS style conversation today will hopefully help . If there is no fixing or negotiation in mismatched drives then what ?? I refuse to live my life letting someone else dictate my sex life anymore .

 

I have an online private journal as well . It’s not keeping score or testing him it’s a feeling I get . We are very far along in recovery but THIS sex thing has always been present . I’d much rather argue about the dishes , finances etc . We simply don’t have ANY other arguments in our relationship. Never have . It’s frustrating

 

FANOS . I said everything, again . Maybe more gentle ? Maybe with more empathy . He’s going to start to eat better . That’s a start . He’s a fucking sloth half the time from the sugar )
He mentioned he thought about M for the first time in a long time ( he didn’t finish the night before ) but thankfully he remembered the boundaries and consequences . That brought my point to the forefront . IM RIGHT HERE . Going back to FANOS once a week . There’s no reason I need to continue to suffer in silence like I did in the past . I feel sometimes The long road just keeps getting longer

 

<3
Even when the relationship is not struggling, I fucking struggle . I’m just such a different person . Like it really just doesn’t take much for me to spiral into the abyss of BT . Not so much outwardly, just trigger easier now which is so weird to have that headspace even when the relationship is doing well . Self sabotage?? I know what I need to do. I don’t know what I’m waiting for . I need to go back to therapy , I wasn’t done. When Dr Ruthie left the practice I almost was “ waiting for something to happen “ before going back . That was a bad idea . I’ve wasted weeks internalizing instead of just making the fucking appt .

 

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK .
I made the appointment for 11am today to HEAL MYSELF. To stop feeling crazy . To neutralize my spidey senses , triggers . Looking for things that aren’t there . At approx 9:30 this morning I FOUND ANOTHER HIDDEN LAPTOP . Went to my appointment. FUCK THIS ADDICTION. FUCK IT FUCK FUCK FUCK MOTHER FUCKER . I don’t know the WHEN I can’t get into the stupid thing . So many questions to him to myself and he doesn’t even know I found it . FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 

I’m am just beside myself. I’ve been so supportive. There was no reason other than he’s an addict not in recovery. I should have left in 16’ i was independently financially stable then . I /we are not financially stable right now . I’m sorry but I can’t do another HUGE DDAY like this . I’ve been so vulnerable all along . Let my guard down for this man that I loved . THIS ?
I can’t get into the Laptop, it seems to be fairly new mfg 8/8/18 . BUT THAT DOESNT EVEN MATTER RIGHT . I’m a fool . An idiot supportive wife .

 

I would be so embarrassed omg . I had to take one to a fixer in 06 to get my pictures back and had to sift through all the porn w this guy to pick my photos . I went to fucking high school with him . I didn’t have issues w P back then