Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    Well said QB!! Round of Applause!
    And THIS "Eye fucking every female in the room" I love how you described that....it's sooo fkn true!!
     
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  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    We skipped FANOS and talked about the article about triggers I posted . I made it clear that just because we’ve been good, great actually, there’s no telling how I’ll handle them and when . That yes they have lessened ,my physical, emotional responses have lessened but who knows how a trigger will affect me in the future, I can’t predict that . Really good connection all week especially this wknd , he had it off .
     
  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Some pretty cool things have happened. While out with relatives over the weekend my cousin said something about men needing their wives for too many things it was in a joking way . My Hubs “ ya I’m not exactly the most independent guy “ anyone that knows us knows I do a lot but it was cool to hear him say it outloud the appreciation For me followed . But then my husband and I were sitting there talking and all of a sudden she brought up that her and her husband got a divorce because he was a porn addict we both shifted in our seats and then my brother ( that knows ) changed the subject . And then Monday at work a new person only been there for a couple weeks she’s been upset her first day because her husband the week before told her he didn’t know if he was in love with her anymore so she’s been on and off crying but trying to hide it and then yesterday she pulled me aside and told me that her husband is a porn addict and is in denial I had to completely change my face and it made me really uncomfortable , I wanted to be there for her I was not willing to tell her my story especially a fellow coworker that I don’t know so I spun my story into that it was my cousin and the next day at work she said everything I said had given her strength to start doing some research on PA and BT . All of this I was able to bring up to my husband last night , neither of us were uncomfortable. It just gets easier to talk about these things these last few months . And then he mention something that totally blew me away my therapist is leaving on maternity leave and is not coming back so he knows I’ll be looking for a new one and he actually said “ maybe before you get your own new therapist we should find a new marriage counselor so we have one , it’s not fair that you’re the only one going to therapy and I understand that “ My heart swelled. He has Never brought up couple counseling since we left the last one in a bad place he knew that I left that appointment disliking our couples counselor very much so over all things of been going well and I definitely told him how much that meant to me and how sometimes he thinks something he is saying is small and in my world it is huge to hear.
     
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I liked that post because of all the positive things that are falling into place in your recoveries and marriage. Lovely to hear. But randomly encountering two women whose relationships are killed because of pornography is frightening. I hope this addiction is not as widespread as it looks.
     
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I think it is WAY more prevalent than we know . It’s such a private addiction because you can’t see it . I truly believe this fellow employee was put in my path for a reason . My therapist has told me to PART of recovery from BT or PA is to be of service to others . It had taken 20 months after BIG DDAY to even begin both of our healing . It’s positive right now , and I hope this makes it just a little easier when things don’t go our way . We are talking . A lot . When the words porn or porn addiction come up with us we don’t shy away or avoid ;)
     
  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    We have been progressing. Communication is strong in every way . The “ initiation sex “ has been working well for the most part . Spending 30 minutes just chatting before the tv goes on at night is helping with connection. It feels authentic not forced . I’ve been so much better at not checking on him , not being hyper vigilant. It’s been 3 1/2 months with these changes , the worry is still there Ofcourse but it’s lessened Because we talk about the issues instead of us avoiding.
     
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  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Dr Ruthie said awhile back , (8/13/18 ❤️when we BOTH actually started working to repair/recover our relationship ) it’s normal to be weary and worried that this is just a novelty /honeymoon phase , but that after 90 days of real relationship recovery a lot of the tools given “stick “. We are over 120 days into REAL changes .
    732 days P free . He’s 130 days M free . I have my struggles with M now and then .
    DDAY #2 came and went ( 12/22) he asked how my day was , I told him better than expected I was able to speak with very little tears which is really good for me ! He then said “ I’m Sorry “ something he has always had trouble saying IN the moment . He made Xmas special for me again . We missed FANOS a couple weeks in a row . No ones fault . But I realized I relied on this for mostly the sobriety/struggle report before . Where now the others are JUST as important. There’s just all these little changes he’s made in himself that are creating big changes in US . We are both reading The Seven Principles by Gottman . First chapter was boring and I wanted to punch myself in the face , so I was kinda worried about his reaction to it . His response “ the second chapter is much better “ lololol not what I expected. My husband has always been a kind , gentle man . But a man of few words . Which was fine cuz god knows I have TOO MANY WORDS . But now when we have deeper conversations, he’ll say something small and I say “elaborate “ and he chuckles then does just that . Looking back I know for sure that his PA definitely had a huge impact on his ability to be intimate on every level . In regards to the four horseman the only ones that showed up were “defensiveness and stonewalling “ and only with anything regarding his porn use . I’m feeling mentally healthier MOST days . But as expected the trust factor scares the shit out of me . I actually said to him during FANOS LAST MONTH “ FEELINGS - I’m feeling worried that these changes are not authentic and that you are secretly fucking me over “ he looked surprised, not shocked and not mad . He responds with “ totally understand and I have not lied or been faking any words or feeling “ I swooned quietly wondering who the fuck this verbal creature is and I hope he moves in permanently. I do not have rose colored glasses or false hope . I know full well he’s human but he is making progress . I leave next week for a long weekend down south with my oldest . I guess that’s when he will test his restraint . Conversations will happen given what happened while I was away in October
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wish you luck on your trip with everything at home.
    & also, safe travels!
    &! &!! ... happy new years!
     
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  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Hi @Qnb42078
    How are you going? Haven't heard from you in a while, hope everything is ok xxx
     
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Feeling meh . Sometimes it happens for NO reason . There’s been no relapse . It’s more of a sexual desire mismatch at this point . Admittedly tonight he said “ I felt it lower when everything happened “
    My response “ then that means your desire for me during P was the P “ our marital conflict has ONLY and always been around sex , regarding P or now his drive . I’ve become indifferent I know this . I do know once a week is not enough for me to feel sexually satisfied, emotionally satisfied or safe in the relationship. My go to is if he’s not fucking me hes fucking himself and THATS where I go dark and all spidey senses . And it’s not even true . A healthy compromise is once during the week and once on the wknd . If I’m not initiating it’s NOT happening. This conversation isn’t relationship ending but is a HARSH reminder to me every time that HE HAS THE SAY , again . Ha ! I don’t think it’s fair that he has a say at this point of how OUR sex life should go ! I’m too young . It makes me wonder what’s it’s going to be like when he actually is older . Everyone should feel desired . Just saying . I still desire him clearly . After all that he’s done . I’m the innocent victim and one would think if all he had to do to take all the fear away was to have sex w his wife twice a week then he would GLADLY oblige and initiate . I ain’t looking for a roommate
     
  11. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I’ve not read all your previous posts yet but this one caught my eye as it’s exactly how u feel too!!!!
    I’m not keeping a log but it’s def way less frequent than I would like it be compared to when he was watching P. I too fear if he’s not O’ing with me then he is to someone/thing else.
     
  12. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I don't want to take away from anything you are saying @Qnb42078 & @Trigirl78 but I want to reassure you both that frequency of real sex doesn't necessarily equal frequency of porn use, i.e. just because he's having sex less than you expect, it doesn't mean he's using porn or just masturbating on the other days. My wife and I are older, we're in our mid-fifties. We're having sex about once every two weeks. Sometimes it is more, sometimes less. Either of us is fairly adept at seduction so we tend to have sex whenever either of us wants. (Though I will ask her to check that's true.) But when I was using porn I would masturbate much more than that, sometimes 3 or 4 times a week, sometimes several times a day. But now I do not masturbate and I do not use porn, not for over two years. I am being honest. Of course your husbands may be different, but please do not assume that because he's having sex with you less frequently than he masturbated to porn that he must be pleasing himself in between. Men are not orgasm algorithms, and masturbating with porn and having real sex with the woman you love are very different things.
     
  13. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I appreciate your words and insight. I don’t think we think it I think we maybe worry a little this is the case, but either way you make a valid point. I guess for me, after feeling rejection from P I’m looking for more intimate times, but for him he’s found a new more natural rhythm and libido is not as high as he once believed it was. A libido driven by P....so sometimes it’s hard not to compare their previous desire to watch P was more than their desire to have actual intimate time. But like you said the two aren’t comparable.
     
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ofcourse the rational brain of a betrayed spouse is going to be distorted from time to time . I can’t help that . Ofcourse then resentment comes in . Kind of like fuck you im a body I was there you chose P , now choose me , even if it’s instead of simply not choosing anything. A man will never understand a woman with betrayal trauma , they can try , they can read but shit half the time I don’t understand what’s happening in my brain and body . A more calm FANOS style conversation today will hopefully help . If there is no fixing or negotiation in mismatched drives then what ?? I refuse to live my life letting someone else dictate my sex life anymore .
     
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  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I have an online private journal as well . It’s not keeping score or testing him it’s a feeling I get . We are very far along in recovery but THIS sex thing has always been present . I’d much rather argue about the dishes , finances etc . We simply don’t have ANY other arguments in our relationship. Never have . It’s frustrating
     
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    FANOS . I said everything, again . Maybe more gentle ? Maybe with more empathy . He’s going to start to eat better . That’s a start . He’s a fucking sloth half the time from the sugar :()
    He mentioned he thought about M for the first time in a long time ( he didn’t finish the night before ) but thankfully he remembered the boundaries and consequences . That brought my point to the forefront . IM RIGHT HERE . Going back to FANOS once a week . There’s no reason I need to continue to suffer in silence like I did in the past . I feel sometimes The long road just keeps getting longer
     
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  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I feel like this today too.
    Keep your head up my friend.
     
  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    <3
    Even when the relationship is not struggling, I fucking struggle . I’m just such a different person . Like it really just doesn’t take much for me to spiral into the abyss of BT . Not so much outwardly, just trigger easier now which is so weird to have that headspace even when the relationship is doing well . Self sabotage?? I know what I need to do. I don’t know what I’m waiting for . I need to go back to therapy , I wasn’t done. When Dr Ruthie left the practice I almost was “ waiting for something to happen “ before going back . That was a bad idea . I’ve wasted weeks internalizing instead of just making the fucking appt .
     
  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Make the appointment, do it for your own wellbeing, you are worth it!! And lovely to hear from you again @Qnb42078 xx *hugs*
     
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  20. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It's hard to make that jump when you have someone you trust and they leave. Starting over and finding that connection again with the right therapist is scary. Make the appointment. Do it for yourself.
     
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