Curiosity… and “what about xyz?”

This is kinda just gonna be a rant. And I would love to hear any thoughts about it. This addiction is so stubborn and persistent.

I’ve been on/off NoFap for 8 years now. Longest streak is about 18 months. I was VERY active on these forums in those first four years. I’m definitely way better off now that I was 8 years ago, when I was PMO’ing every night, often to pretty problematic content. Now, I can get streaks, but there’s always this nagging curiosity about a particular area of content. I’m not gonna name it because I don’t want to trigger anybody, but there’s only this ONE content area that can get it. The problematic stuff has no power. I see it and I get immediately turned off and disgusted.

But this other area is definitely capable of hooking me. Like pretty much all NSFW content areas, there’s endless amounts and variations right? Rule 34, etc.

And there’s that little voice in the back of my head asking about these little variations. “Hey Cav, maybe there’s a girl that does it this way?” And then I look that up, and OF COURSE, there’s someone that does it that way. There always is. The content is endless, even if it’s limited to this one type of content. That’s a big reason why it’s so easy to get hooked on PMO.

Sometimes, I give in to the curiosity. I check out the thumbnails. I don’t play any videos, but I get that little dopamine rush. But then I close the browser and go do something productive. I did that this morning.

However, sometimes it hooks me too much. And I don’t have the strength to close it. That has probably happened 3 times in the last year. But peeks, like described above, happen way more often.

And just now, that curiosity asked again. It was like “what’s her voice like?” Like, go click any of those videos, and just listen for a bit. Then you can close it. Of course, if I start watching, I might not stop, and PMO, etc. we’ve all been there.

With me, it’s possible a voice is bad and is a turn off, but why freaking risk it? It might be very captivating. I was about to open that private browsing… but I stopped and came here to vent. And you know, it feels helpful. It feels empowering. Venting here.

so, can anyone relate to this? How do you kick that curiosity when it’s so strong and so persistent!? It sucks. It’s difficult.

I know it’s possible. I’ve done it plenty of times! But it’s still difficult.

 

it’s actually great. I’ve been with my gf for about 3 years now. We’re saving up to buy a condo together.

she knows about the previous PMO addiction. She knows I occasionally slip, but I don’t tell her everytime. She even knows about this one type of content that gets me sometimes.

this is my fifth serious relationship. 4 out of the 5 occurred after I found NoFap, 9 years ago.

 

@WildEntheology
I think #3 sticks out the most, but I’ll address each of them.

Re #1. She’s a hot and fun lady. I do not want other women. Or rather, I do not want to pursue other women. Dating sucks. I have a really good thing. Sometimes it seems too good to be true, tbh. I don’t think I could do better. And trying to pursue multiple sexual relationships just seems exhausting. Porn is easy. You log on, type what you’re looking for, and there it is. It’s “fake.” So, no, I don’t want other sexual partners. I would hate myself forever if I screwed up this relationship. It’s the real deal.

2. I mentioned we’re saving for a condo. Hope to have it in a year. In the meantime, we can’t have sex as often as we’d like. We both live with roommates with thin walls. Traveling or getting a hotel every weekend isn’t practical. We actually have similar ideas re sex. We plan roleplays and try to make it creative. We both get really into that process, but due to logistics, can’t act out on them all the time. We talk about all the smashing we’ll do at the condo often. There are some fantasies/roleplays that I haven’t shared out of embarrassment, tbh, but that’s only one or two things. To date, everything I’ve shared with her, she’s been into. There is one sex act I like that she is hesitant to do, but says she will come around to it at some point.

3. I feel like it’s boredom. All of us on this website have been to numerous porn pages and videos. Some of which REALLY sticks with us. At least with me, they just sneak back into my mind seemingly at random. I guess if my mind isn’t occupied, they sneak in, and it’s like “oooh let’s go find that video, or that actress, or something similar.” And once you start doing that, it’s VERY hard to stop without PMO’ing. I do, but I end up searching for like 15 minutes. I guess that’s the habit I’m trying to break. I probably do that once a week. Think of x actress, and spend 15 minutes searching for whatever she’s been up to recently. Then I stop, and for the next two days those thumbnail frames just sneak into my mind. And I know if I continue doing this, I’ll PMO at some point. And that’s bad.
So I guess, if I can keep my mind occupied, and stay busy, then those thoughts won’t sneak in. Staying constantly busy and vigilant is difficult. But now im starting to think it’s necessary, because this thing never goes away.