Back to the forums after another multi-day relapse... I've always considered that one of the things that would give me worth is being good at sex, whatever that means. On one hand, a woman would love me if I could give her pleasure and bring her to an orgasm. On the other, the bros would love me if I "fuck well"... And yeah, an orgasm is an orgasm. It's getting my fix. I've been abused in a relationship, where the only way out of another fight was sex. It might sound like it's not a big deal, but after months of this, it really affected me. It really changed my relationship with sex for the worse. At the same time, I'm so self-conscious while I'm writing this. There's a voice in me, the bro voice, whispering "go ahead, stop fucking, there will be more fucking for the rest of us, the real men". This internal torment is part of the reason I never wanted to give up sex entirely. Hey, I'm a real man too, ain't I? I am single. I avoid promiscuity, although it still happens (gotta please the bros, please the ladies). The only way I can flush my system is through masturbation. So I thought for a while that I would give up porn, but it's okay to occasionally masturbate and orgasm, you know, to get in touch with oneself. It's okay to have one-night stands, even if you're left empty the next day and wondering why you treated another human just as a means of satisfying your lust. Or was it that they treated you that way? I've been afraid that if I completely cut my interest in sex, I would become asexual. I would "lose my balls". I would lose my worth, for which women like me. I would become less fun and less able to "have banter" with the bros. Yet, I feel that this is what I need to do in order to gain another type of respect for myself. I avoid the arrogance of claiming that by becoming asexual I would conquer the habit. That I would conquer my impulses and my animalistic nature. Yet, by overcoming the compulsion to look at porn -- to masturbate -- to orgasm, in order to get over life's hurdles, I would (re)gain the confidence that comes with independence. So this is my plan for now. I'll remain single, until I meet someone I truly want to be with, spend time with, not someone who I just want to have sex with. Even then, I'll take my time before having sex with that person (and I hope they would be willing to wait). And while I'm single, I'll go on hard mode. Indefinitely. I've already done the reboot so I know I can do it. No sex for me. No porn. No masturbation. No orgasm. Hell, even turning my head away, when there are triggers around me, as embarrassing as that will be with other people around. Humility is the key. Yes, I'm fucked up. This is what I need to do in order to take care of myself. I hope that after that I will not be unable to have sex again (when/if I find a soul mate), but time will tell. I might never find anyone anyway. So one step at a time. Thanks for reading, and wish me luck.