Cutting ties with Sex

Back to the forums after another multi-day relapse...

I've always considered that one of the things that would give me worth is being good at sex, whatever that means. On one hand, a woman would love me if I could give her pleasure and bring her to an orgasm. On the other, the bros would love me if I "fuck well"... And yeah, an orgasm is an orgasm. It's getting my fix.

I've been abused in a relationship, where the only way out of another fight was sex. It might sound like it's not a big deal, but after months of this, it really affected me. It really changed my relationship with sex for the worse.

At the same time, I'm so self-conscious while I'm writing this. There's a voice in me, the bro voice, whispering "go ahead, stop fucking, there will be more fucking for the rest of us, the real men".

This internal torment is part of the reason I never wanted to give up sex entirely. Hey, I'm a real man too, ain't I? I am single. I avoid promiscuity, although it still happens (gotta please the bros, please the ladies). The only way I can flush my system is through masturbation. So I thought for a while that I would give up porn, but it's okay to occasionally masturbate and orgasm, you know, to get in touch with oneself. It's okay to have one-night stands, even if you're left empty the next day and wondering why you treated another human just as a means of satisfying your lust. Or was it that they treated you that way?

I've been afraid that if I completely cut my interest in sex, I would become asexual. I would "lose my balls". I would lose my worth, for which women like me. I would become less fun and less able to "have banter" with the bros.

Yet, I feel that this is what I need to do in order to gain another type of respect for myself. I avoid the arrogance of claiming that by becoming asexual I would conquer the habit. That I would conquer my impulses and my animalistic nature. Yet, by overcoming the compulsion to look at porn -- to masturbate -- to orgasm, in order to get over life's hurdles, I would (re)gain the confidence that comes with independence.

So this is my plan for now. I'll remain single, until I meet someone I truly want to be with, spend time with, not someone who I just want to have sex with. Even then, I'll take my time before having sex with that person (and I hope they would be willing to wait).

And while I'm single, I'll go on hard mode. Indefinitely. I've already done the reboot so I know I can do it. No sex for me. No porn. No masturbation. No orgasm. Hell, even turning my head away, when there are triggers around me, as embarrassing as that will be with other people around. Humility is the key. Yes, I'm fucked up. This is what I need to do in order to take care of myself.

I hope that after that I will not be unable to have sex again (when/if I find a soul mate), but time will tell. I might never find anyone anyway. So one step at a time.

Thanks for reading, and wish me luck.

 

Thanks for your comment, BigCatTunski! I agree with you, although I didn't think about this as a drastic measure. I think of it as the right thing to do. I am not religious, but the more I go through life, the more I think that there's more to "no sex before marriage" than just to make you get married.

 

It's been 45 days now, and mostly okay.

I went to a wedding last weekend which made things a little bit tough. I danced with a few ladies and there was definitely a connection. We even kissed with one, but she was there with somebody else and didn't want to hurt him so that was all.

Since the wedding it's been harder to manage, since I suddenly have a lot of libido. I've been having intimate dreams and it's hard to get up in the morning...

Looking at what I'm saying, I'd like to tell myself to get it together. I'm going on a family vacation this weekend, so that will help me take my thoughts away from sex. I'm still aiming to get to 90 days without sex or masturbation. After that I'll keep on going at it until I can have a more meaningful relationship with a woman first.

This post seems gloomy, but it's also October, so I think part of it is the weather Things are not so bad, and I hope they are good for you too. Thanks for reading.

 

Well, my streak is out.

The same week when I wrote my last update I had sex. I don't regret it, but my goal went into the bin. Back to the start.

Now that she's gone and the stress at work has been mounting, I relapsed back to porn. I wonder if my "After that I'll keep on going at it until I can have a more meaningful relationship with a woman first." resolution makes any sense. Perhaps I cannot have a meaningful relationship with a woman while avoiding sex. Perhaps it is unnatural.

Then again, people managed before, why can't I?

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Part of the problem was that I avoided talking to her about sex at all. I told her that I cannot be with her. So why did I do it? Was it for the story to come out of it? It was to make her happy. But what does it matter now? When she's gone. It probably matters to her. Ah, I cannot blame what happened between us to my loss of resolve.

I shall just get back in balance.

But my body takes what it needs, if I tell it that I am waiting for a meaningful relationship, while actually avoiding it.

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I don't know. This is all over the place. Sorry for not making sense. Thanks for reading anyway.