Cycling, Depression and Addiction

If you are healthy physicaly than why would you harm yourself or end it at all?
The good thing is that you are willing to change, and if you give the best of you, you will feel like the whole universe is with you.

 

You wrote: "Addicted to porn, self-harm, food, alcohol, smoking, pessimism, isolation, suicidal ideation"

Now, porn, bad food, alcohol, tobacco/weed are material things. Rest are mental. Physiology affect psychology. As an example, eating healthy can reduce depression.

I was similar. I was using porn, alcohol, weed and internet so much that they were making me unhappy. For a month, I have tried monk mode and it helped a lot. All these substances mess up our dopamine levels so if we try to quit one, we have to increase the intake of others to balance it out. In monk mode, you quit all of them. At first you feel very shitty, but afterwards things get back to normal, and very small things, like watching the clouds can fill you with joy.

You can write down some rules and duration (for example 1 month, or 1 week) on some paper and put it up the wall that you see everyday. Some examples:

- No PMO.
- No electronic screens besides for work. (I actually switched to an old colorless phone and left my laptop at office).
- No alcohol or weed.
- Don't go home before X o'clock, stay/work in cafe, library.

If it helps, you can also write down some DOs, alongside the DONTs. Like practice ukulele, or meditation 20 minutes everyday. Though writing down a lot of DOs can make you unfocused and they may become overwhelming.

 

It's called withdrawal. Look up dopamine receptor downregulation, it's what happens when you watch porn regularly enough. So numbers of dopamine receptors are reduced after watching porn/pmo'ing x number of times. It's a protective mechanism to compensate for the high dopamine input coming from the pmo itself. In other words, stimulation from porn is capable of frying/killing dopamine receptors. When you stop watching porn, this leaves you with no dopamine or dopamine receptors and thus a variety of unpleasant symptoms: anxiety, depression,...

The most important thing is that you don't watch porn ever again and give your brain the time it needs to grow new neurons.

 

You might consider a mental health evaluation. I had severe and debilitating issues with depression, compulsion (usually manifesting in porn use), and rage. Turns out I had bipolar. Now that I'm medicated, the other things are 100x easier to deal with. Point being, there may be some unaddressed chemical issues in your brain. Low risk, high reward to get it checked out.

 

It's most likely a flatline, or you could be clinically depressed.