Daily Journal - Becoming reforged man

Truth of my life-

Hello everyone I’m 24 yr old male. I am addicted to pmo for about 9 or 10 year. So at the age of 10 till 11 once in awhile I watched nude movies. And then 12,13 didn't have any internet access so no access to adultery stuff and the most awesome time of my life.

Beginning of porn was at the age of 14. And some how it became regular habit. I watched it every single day till the age of 15.
At the age of 15 got to know about masturbation.
And I did pmo whole 1 year mostly regularly. (Rock bottom) I failed in most of the subjects in 11 grade btw I was a good student (top 10 in my class). Some how I passed 11th grade but still I didn't realised that I addicted to pmo.
I was in 12th grade try to gain focus but again binging on pmo almost every single day. And then I hit the the rock bottom I got just passed in 12th. My percentage was so bad I couldn’t even get admission in any decent college . (Rock bottom)

That was the time when I realised I have lost everything and only thing left was regret. And I admitted I’m addicted to pmo. I wouldn't say that I didn’t procrastinated on studies yes I did but but constantly 3 time sometimes 5 time binging on pmo almost everyday for about 1 year I turned into a zombie no strength no motivation no focus only seeking pmo pleasure.

After disaster in 12th grade I gave improvement exam which mean 1 year drop and study again 12th grade passing year would be same just u aim to improve your score.

It used to be so hard to even go without a day of pmo. And I used to relapse like after 2 days and sometimes every day.
I didn’t know how I could quit this addiction and I didn’t know about nofap at that time I wish I would have.

With pmo + regret + depression + regret of letting my family down + low focus + etc I gave improvement exam and score better than before not excellent score but a good score and got admission in a good college.

At 19 - In college I was very focused a lot but pmo sessions were still there. My relapse were after 3-4 days and sometime after 5 day. At 23 finished my graduation and got good score and even got a job but I left to prepare for entrance exam.

In may 2020 I joined nofap and it has change my life. I went straight without pmo nofap hardmode for 20 day but then screwed up at day 21 (Rock bottom). Those 20 days were heaven I never ever felt so good past 10 year. I was getting productive and brain was rebalancing. I was able to focus more. I can't explain in word but it was very good.

(Rock bottom) Current scenario I'm procrastinating on my studies my pmo session are back to same like in old days. I'm studying and trying to leave pmo. But after relapse I leave studying and become demotivated and get back up and vice versa. I know I'm literally wasting up my life. I have entrance exams coming up some are very soon and some are couple months away. I blame myself more than porn because I am the one got myself into this shitty whole. Somehow I feel my life is only getting in and out of pmo.

Side effects of PMO on me -
- Nose block
- Shortness of breath
- Sound from bone
- Hair loss
- Bad immune system
- No focus/motivation
- Fatigue
- Poor memory skills
- Eye floaters
- Headaches
- Brain fog
- Many many bad Fetish(also objectifying womens)
and more.

I know I can change my life. I think I'm not dedicated towards my life. I not at all focused and disciplined towards my life. I'm gonna meditate for 5 mins regularly and gradually increase the time. Study and workout daily. Become a person I want to be.

At the end I just have to say to myself and other who haven't or have had experience rock bottom.
How many relapse and set back and rock bottom would it take for a person to change himself ? What would be the time when u realise that u lost so many precious year on a stupid stuff and which only gave u PAIN ? How many more year would it take u realise nofap is equal to life ?

Past is past but if you are living with the choices made in past in the present then your past will be your future. The time gone is never coming back.
Hope that it might help me and other.
English is not my native language please pardon me if I made any mistake.

Feel free to comment and pm me. Wish you all success.

 

Day 1:

Hi everyone so day 1 completed. Studied , played and went out had to run some errands. Today I reminisce upon past a lot all of mistake I have done due to pmo. Was little depressed because of it. Also I am having brain fog and little issue with focusing on studies. But still a productive. Didn’t experience any urges today. On to day 2.

Quote of the day : Power comes in response to need not desire.

 

@ruso Thanks mate.

 

@skylark I totally agree with you. Learning is behavioural modification and I am learning and trying to changing myself. Your words really made my day. Thanks sir.

 

Hello everyone day 2 just completed. I am exhausted today. I studied hard today. But I feel like played online game for a quite a strech will not do that. I am so busy building my life that I didn’t even thought pmo. I mediated for 5 mins and it felt really good. On to day 3.

Quote of the day : The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.

 

Thanks sir. Hope you doing great.

 

Hello everyone day 3 just completed. It was not so good day. I studied hard but didn’t do meditation. I have have a lot of negative thoughts about my future and stuff. And then curse myself for doing pmo. So long story short not so good day.
But I learned something instead of thinking about problem and cursing myself it’s better I cool myself and solving the problem logically and understand life is hard but it will better. On to day 4.

Quote of the day : Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

 

Thanks @skylark. Congrats you completed 1 week. You are doing great.

 

Hello everyone day 4 just completed. It was a tough day. I have had massive craving and while surfing through internet a revealing advertisement pop up (not adultery) which triggered me more. I resisted and tried to get rid of them. Tried exercise, etc but didn't go away and there was time i thought to leaving nofap and doing pmo which gave me nothing but pain. But I gain my power and did intensive jog and then went to cold showers for about 20 mins and mediated finally the craving was gone.
I feel proud but also bad that I wanted to given up nofap. On to day 5.

Also checkout this link : https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-improvement-journal.278734/page-2#post-2718317
this guy has shared a great method of tracking progress I am trying this and soon will upload my progress.

Quote of the day : Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power.

 

Hi everyone day 5 just completed. I have had a headache whole day. It was a withdrawal symptom. This is the time when I tend to relapse but didn’t do anything. I didn’t study much today. I mediated it felt really good. On to day 6.

Quote of the day : Even if you’re weak, there are miracles you can seize with your hands if you fight on to the very end.

 

Thanks mate. Actually first few day of quitting pmo I have headaches. I know it will happen and have read some people have them as withdrawal symptom. But after 1 week or so I would be free from them.

 

Thanks for the advice mate and feel free to say anything bro. You are absolutely right. Mindset is the important thing I need to change. Joseph Murphy say - As you sow in your subconscious mind, so shall you reap in your body and environment. I should be all in for nofap and should replace my habit. It’s not going to easy because I have laid so many wrong mindset that I have adopted through pmo. And there will be time when my subconscious mind may hinder in the way of nofap. But it’s alway my choice which side to choose. Like u said I will always stay disciplined and committed to nofap journey that the main thing. Nofap = life.

 

Thanks bro I’m glad it inspired u.