Daily Journal

Day 42: that's 6 weeks in! Life is better without PMO and I'll say it again Life is better without PMO.

It's not easy everyday and I've felt some urges creeping in this week as I seem to have come out of flatline but the urges arn't as strong and I'm stronger than ever.

Guys don't wait, don't put this off another day! Fight now, wake up, don't quit, there's so much at stake and your entire future is at stake. It's not going to get better so make a choice to commit to 90 days of discomfort for something that will drastically enhance the rest of your life.

There's no going back now, it's not always going to be easy, there will be hard days but the worst day without PMO is better than your best day with it!

Have a good weekend and I'll check in Monday morning at day 45! Halfway to 90!

 

Day 45:

Feelin pretty good today. Had a fairly strong urge yesterday when I realized that somehow my K9 still wasn't fixed but spent an hour online and got my wife to reinstall it with me so everything is safe again.

I'm lookin forward to the next 45 days! Guys stay strong because it's never ever worth it.

 

Day 46:

Hey guys Day 46 and going strong. Still facing some very strong urges but they're my own fault. I've noticed my self fantasizing some and looking too long at women from time to time and it just shows me that I still have a long way to go. I've come far but plenty of work is still to be done. I will not quit I will be more diligent and I will win this fight!

Love you all keep going strong

 

Day 47: Still moving along. I'm beginning to see how many things I actually used PMO to numb myself against.

- work stress
- financial worry
- Marriage tensions

Honestly right now I'm really starting to doubt my marriage and I'm not sure if it's the brains craving for a dopamine hit and is up to something or if reality of not being numb is not what I thought it was.

The biggest frustration for me right now is our sex life. We've always had a mediocre sex life and although there are flashes of brilliance I'm the one that initiates over 95% of the time. I understand they as a woman she had other emotional needs that are important and I feel like I do a fairly good job at that. I provide for her, I encourage her, I clean up around the house, I text her during the day, I write her love notes, bring her flowers etc. but she never seems to respond very much.

When I flatlined I decided to try not approach her for sex at all and we went over 2 weeks with nothing and I ended up initiating after 2 weeks.

I'm just very tired of being the one that puts in all the effort on a part of our marriage that I know is important. For instance last night I planned an incredible spontaneous date night. We went out to a romantic restaurant and when we came home I initiated sex and she said we don't have to have sex on date night. That wasn't the point of the date but I mean seriously?

I've come to realize that with or without her this battle is mine and even if I was single I'm better off without PMO. I feel like being unnumb has awoken me to some things that improbably medicated with porn. Back in the day I would have just pmo'd and felt better now I need to deal with these things.

Sorry to vomit everything on my journal here but I'm going to write more thoughts because I feel it helps.

Stay strong!

 

Day 48: guys I took another peek today. It was mere seconds and again I caught myself and literally ran but I know I got a dopamine rush from it. I don't know why this keeps happening and it's so frustrating. My brain said don't tell anyone I said f u brain I'm gonna go share the experience right now. I'm determined to beat this but these peaks that have happened about 5 times now are really annoying man. I need to be able to control this better or at some point I know it will end up being more than a peek. Any advice? I'm going away for the long weekend so hopefully some time away will help clear my head.

Stay strong

 

Hey Perusan good to hear from you man. Always so much wisdom bro. I do have a counter but it never shows when I post from my phone for some reason. Check my sig on my page. I've now added a 2nd one to keep me accountable from any peeking at all. I set it to 0 days today. I've made huge strides by not pmo ing but your right I will crack. Honestly most of the times I've peeked I intended to go all the way it was like my brain took over and the. I snapped out and was like what the hell are you doing, get a hold of yourself and quickly shut it down. I know it's such dangerous territory. Please help keep me accountable man. I will be a success story period!

 

Good morning everyone. Day 53: I'm back here after a weekend away. Looking forward to getting back on this thing with all my focus. I have been struggling immensely I haven't fallen back off but I feel close. I don't know why I ever peeked in the first place because that really messed me up. That one from Thursday lead to another this morning. It's crazy because it's so short and I'm always catching myself but it's like my brain goes onto autopilot. I feel like I'm back at square one (although I know I'm not) and am so frustrated with myself. Everything in me is now screaming PMO and it's my fault because I let my guard down. I feel like I've lost my motivation to do this but somehow haven't given in. I feel like I know in my head I need to keep fighting but my brain feels like it's won. I'm not going to give in I'm looking at this as day 1 for me.

 

So I made a list of reasons not to PMO this morning. Let me know your thoughts:

1. I love Jesus and it pleases him when I stay pure
2. Loyalty to my wife
3. It gets easier
4. All temptations pass
5. It wastes time
6. You feel horrible afterward
7. Guilt
8. Shame
9. Loss of motivation
10. Depression
11. Lack of focus
12. ADD
13. Effects My relationship with my wife negatively
14. My future kids
15. All the people out there who I need to reach
16. Be Authentic
17. Self control
18. Peace of mind
19. Role model
20. Leadership
21. It gets worse
22. It never satisfies
23. It's sin and Christ had to die for it
24. Already soo close
25. Everyone who's been here before says life is so much better and it is! You've tasted it man. Don't back down.
26. Connect on deeper levels in your relationships
27. You've quit
28. Don't be a Hypocrite
29. You're not gonna go all the way anyway so you're just making things much harder for yourself.
30. You'll be one day closer to a reset after today
31. You've overcome other addiction before so why not this one.
32. You spent 15 minutes making this list
33. Your destiny depends on this
34. You'll never get to what's next if you keep repeating the same mistake
35. You always regret it but never regret not doing it.
36. Man up
36. Slavery
37. By using you're perpetuating the same cycle. Don't add to the demand because supply dries up if demand is gone.
38. Don't need to hide anymore

 

Day 1

Yes you read it right. I PMO'd today, all I can say to everyone here is don't peek it's never worth it. I was warned and I knew myself what would happen but my brain won this one. I only have one choice get up and keep fighting. 53 days is no joke and I need to go hard. Did I take a step backwards? Definitely but I will keep fighting and move forward. Keep me in your prayers I'm expecting a chaser. You all deserve better. Here we go again day 1.

 

Day 2

Feelin pretty good today. I know the urges are only gone because of yesterday and I'm going to have some tough times going forward. I've changed my counter now to just one counter that any P or edging resets it. I know that's what caused my relapse and I'm not going to make the same mistake this time around.

Stay strong guys!

 

Day 3

Holy crap it's been hard today. The chaser has basically messed me up bad but I've gotten through it. One time I searched for how to get around my phone blocker and the next time I almost went to a porn store down the street. Both times I got a hold of myself and turned back the right way. I will not give in, no peaking no bikini babes nothing. Even as I write this post I'm feeling a massive pull but take solace in the fact that it will pass. Fight hard guys, it's. Fight worth fighting