daily update - NO PMO hard mode

(day 8)
feeling down
yesterday while taking bed i felt great, I fantasize about my gf and me kissing her and got a small movement, then my ocd gave me thinking its because i started to feel movement that i focused on my dick that made that movement -.- its hell

i wake up realizing i have stronger morning wood lately.
I never had trouble getting an erection with my Girlfriend by my side when I needed it.

I get got one just by simple kissing her lips, hugging, cuddling, even holding hands sometimes, touching private areas like her ass or boobs, or by feeling our private areas rubbing (with her wearing jeans or naked) ITS HOT, me directing my hands towards her sweat breasts, just feeling how it feels like without even touching them yet gave me one full erection.

But It just this fear I'll not be able to maintain it once I have it. After loosing it last time duo to my condoms being too tight. I need 69mm ones, but till now i only used condoms in range of 53mm to 60mm because 57mm was also Durex but that was a pain to take off, so normally it result in killing my erection. And so i worry and i used them pills to not have that same shit happen again -.- biggest mistake of my life. It maintain my erection, yes, with 60mm ones, but i started to feel dizzy as in something is not right, I had this strong feeling in my throat. It was the pills not giving me realizing a 60mm is a NO, yes i have an erection but its still too tight. You need 69mm. I made measures to be sure, i got that the official measure stick thing from the developers who made custom My Size condoms, cost about 4$ waited for about a week to get here, i made the measure and it reaches even out of 69mm by a little, so its safe to say I've use wrong ones this whole time.

My mother saw what kinda condoms I got and told me for a short man 1.75cm you sure grew stronger somewhere else, but why I shouldn't be complaining it also means I can't get condoms without latex, because there is no no-latex condom in that reach. This sucks because those things are pure rubber but it is what it is.

And i had Frenulum Breve which is healing, I took operation last week and now I have to wait for at least 6 weeks to fully heal, good motivator to stay away PMO.

Outside of that me and my GF are long distance 2000km apart so we don't normally see each other weekly, right now it seems it will be until June that we will be able to see each other. But good time to heal my Frenulum Breve that also played a part in between time.

 

Day 10 - (27 years old male)
seeing some improvement

Morning wood is waking me up. Before it was there but barely for 5 minutes.
Today it was 100% erection lasting 20 minutes+, because I woke up already having it so I can't say for how long exactly.

I know in the past when I masturbated 3 times a day being my bad habit, I didn't
have a morning wood for a week, or so I remember.

Outside of that i was sleep dreaming that I was in this hotel. My friend got me naked pictures of the girls
he basically fucked that night. It was somehow his job in that hotel. A job that happens at midnight. All as long
as you stay in your room, girls will be coming in. Sound familiar, sounds like whoring, PORN. But still damn, I was freaking excited.
But i woke up, before that even happened maybe its better that way. Fucking hell ;D

Well so much for that innocent dream xD well not so innocent.
In the end Morning Wood woke me up. Right afterwards I started fantasizing having my GF around me, and having my ways with her.
I was feeling for vaginal penetration (I didn't get auto erection, but just feeling right fantasizing about it).
I go back to sleep afterwards. No sex dreams anymore.
I wake up feeling homosexual -_- Everytime i would have a feeling I have to fart, or take a dump, I would think I would want/need anal penetration.
Its not something that really makes me happy inside, it feels fake, and somehow obsessive and forceful thinking behavior.

Because when i was spending the week with my girlfriend, never did I have obsession over my anal hole.
And I always got an erection just touching her ass from behind, or boobs, or just feeling of touching them, kissing her lips & hugging etc.

This was not forceful behavior, this is not how I felt about homosexual anal hole obsession. This made me feel I was homophobic also, but I'm honestly not. I'm not racist either.

It was way too excited to wait in bed just waiting for her to lay in bed naked next to me naked, it was too exciting to to thing of my anal hole, so what gives?

I always wake up feeling the total opposite of what I feel at night time if i don't have a dream about sex with a female, and i can't get this, what is wrong with me?

I don't like giving anal, (luckily my gf doesn't want that at all, or else i would do it for her), I don't want to be selfish in bed, I don't even like seeing anal in heterosexual, let alone in homosexual porn, Homosexual porn never truly excited me, that much is true.

Penis alone never excited me, two penises and man ass never excited me to fap, anal act never excited me in hetero or homosexual, its just something I didn't get trigger by.

What did excited me is 3 things:
There has to be a girl in the video, female tits, female ass, female giving a man oral, and ultimately penis only when he is about or is already penetrating a pussy.
Actually that last one excited my body the most. ITS TOO FUCKING HOT, so what gives.
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Question?
Could it be that being I am 27 years old my body is signaling anal stimulation giving to me by a girl using a strap on.

But honestly i think this is the PMO withdraw symptom because I can remember something similar happening before, but i relapsed because I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Day 11 - (27 years old male)
Morning start with OCD obsession again, obsession over my anal hole, doesn't excite me at all.

It reminds me of my heart beat obsession I had when going to bed.
Its the same thing thinking about it, just focusing on my anal hole, feeling like I'm getting strange feeling down there.
Something that never happen before this obsessive thinking in 26 years.

While I go to bed I get this crave to penetrate a vagina and I'm happy, but as I wake up in the morning I feel like that urge is gone.

No morning wood today, or I slept over it idk.
Feeling damn numb right now, as in I'm in anxiety form, I can't take this obsessional thinking giving me what i feel is groinal response in my anal hole as weird as that sounds.

Before I had obsession sucking a dick, my dick while masturbating, now its this -.- where will it end, I think this is also because my desires haven't been meet yet. On top of ORAL which i kinda miss receiving but my GF is not a fan of it either (I received it once) I couldn't finish, I was having closed eyes silly me, I know if i looked at her I would probably finish but Frenulum Breve made it hurt a little so that could cause it also, but my erection stayed strong the whole time. I finish while she gave me a hand-job and thats as far as it goes last time. I think this is where my desire lies, I wanna get sucked off, normally speaking by a girl, and my desires are not being meet. And this desire to suck my own dick is to give it pleasure, myself pleasure, but I normally wouldn't do it, its all in my mind. I can't even stand my hand and fingers after I fapped, always cleaned it off, let alone taste finger or anything. Anytime i would touch my member i would clean it off.

My greatest desire /sexually speaking/ is to penetrate a pussy without a condom on. All I felt last time was rubber using latex condoms. I wish they made none-latex condoms with 69mm size also.

I know that with my current GF I can forget this because she doesn't wanna go on pills, so ill have to sacrifice that part of my desire by never getting in fulfilled and sticking to them latex condoms. I sometimes wish i wasn't this loyal, but I simply can't see myself with any other girl without breaking with one, and she is damn right incredible also, while selfish in bed, I know its the stress she was put in that made her so and I know she can change that behavior about her.

 

Day 12 - (27 years old male)

I had a dream when sleeping where I was with my girlfriend and well we had unprotected sex, it was so hot down there as she was super wet, but I start loosing my erection.
We did it twice, I felt flat down into limp mode. I couldn't understand what gives. This was not a lucid dream, it was very vivid, but I just didn't have any control over myself.
I start loosing it and she was feeling okay with it so it didn't bother me as much but it was still on my mind. (THIS IS MY GREATEST FEAR)

I woke up feeling Asexual as balls. My ocd made me start to analyze even the stupidest of things, like for example: Shelden Copper being Asexual in the comedy series oblivious to sex, but in real life being Gay.

I would start to overthink everything.
- What is really Asexual feeling, how does one feel when Asexual? do I have it?
- Can one be horny for breasts touch, naked bodies touch, genitalia rubbing each other, but not for sexual intercourse at that time? I know I had those damn condom in mind.
I'm starting to feel that this latex condoms are making sex (Penis to vagina) less appealing, because my greatest desire is vaginal penetration without a condom.

I can swear I had my horny time with my girlfriend, but now I wonder, did I or am i just making this up?

I can't say anymore, All i can say is how i felt then when I felt I had it:
At that point I felt like I wanna kiss her silly, like a dog somehow, it was weird. I wanted to keep on touching her boobs, and the idea of genitalia rubbing or more was great, but the idea of condoms interrupting made it feel like a drag. I don't want sex to be interrupted. I think this is a huge turn off for me.
but In that moment I simply didn't care how we would have kissed, I kinda felt dirty inside but in a good way. I can swear when my GF was feeling different, she told me "and here I was thinking I was a lesbian, silly me." Well I had that moment to being with her then and there in bed, and I say the same thing.
She also become more submissive as in, wanting me to tie her up, and I loved that, I had desires but I keep them to myself like giving me a head while blindfolden and all.
This even excites me right now, the idea of it, but its sex.

Looking back:
What made me feel like masturbating, I know I was a little kid coming across pictures of naked women always made me wanna fap.
Back then I never gave a man notice, but i also always masturbated to women on pictures. I barely notice people in school in any sexual behavior.
I think i masturbated at least twice a day, but lets face it your school mater are not some playboy bunnies.

Its weird if i was to look around see a picture of a naked woman i would wanna edge and somehow edging would give me more power over that day.
Idk i would felt horny somehow but to the internet images or videos for example.

I can't say if i was to be horny in real life.
I did a big mistake, me and my GF sextext each other few months before seeing each other, we would make each other horny, i would send her pictures of sexual poses, sometimes porn gif pictures. I made her feel hot and just about ready to do anything, but not in real life. In real life it was different.
I know the things we said but we were in the mood at that moment when typing to each other.

I think i rewire myself on this typing arousal, and I think she did it aswell.

If i was an asexual why would my desire be to feel the penetration of a vagina without a condom?

I'm so confused right now.

Is this flatline?
I would fantasize my GF giving me a blowjob and get a small movement then i would also leak pre-fluit and now i thinks its because of my dick.

To I get turned on by dicks? My ocd thinking -.-
No, I don't think so.

I get excited by the idea of a penis into a vagina. It had to have a female somewhere in it ultimately. If i fantasize of a man giving me a head it doesn't make me move or excited at all.

AM I BEING HOMOSEXUAL REPRESSED, in the closet
but that would apply not wanting to have vaginal penetration and wanting anal, which doesn't excite me.

I mean i can go around looking at pictures of men's penises but that doesn't excite me inside. I tried in the past to test myself right after i got hocd, didn't excite me. Anal in both doesn't excite me, so what gives?

to end this note; (please help me get an answer on this note)
I know last time i was feeling excited touching her boobs, she was sitting playing Heart Stone, I got an erection (full blown) before i even manage to touch them, but i wasn't thinking of sex or so i think, idk anymore, it was just pure excitement of feeling them again like that first day in the car, but in my mind I was also scared of past failure, so I didn't want sex as much as I want to just touch them. Was I horny at that time? I hate this, not knowing if horny always has to be a feeling of going all the way.

I had Frenulum Breve problem before, I wonder if this played a role in my holding back condition. I know it made condoms a pain to put on and it was also on my mind.

 

to end this, I'm extremely attracted to touching my GF boobs, or grabbing her ass.
But i also feel she is kinda oblivious at time, kinda selfish in bed, not selfish to receive, but selfish to give, so its kinda one sided at times, she doesn't even bother kissing me under the neck, last time was the first time AND i felt like he made a switch in me turn on somehow. That is the time I wanted to just kiss her like a mad dog lol

How one-sided effects also play a role in this. She just doesn't bother, i want her to wear something sexual and maybe try some lipstick also, but i didn't bother to ask honestly, while i would love for her to get some extra sexual appeal into it.

now my HOCD gives me thinking its all a lie, that i was forced myself all this time.

But I can't force an erection just wanting to touch her boobs or can I, because it always happen, i get erect touching them.
I didn't fantasize, I just thought on how they feel gentle and sensitive, and it got erect.

its really what i love to do, and it does turn me on, mentally first before physically as proven before while we were both sitting playing games.

 

Day 13 - (27 years old male)
I have my check today for how well I've healed from my Frenulum Breve problem

Outside of that I feel well, nothing like yesterday to say the least. I felt incredible yesterday day and night. Today I feel kinda just meh. Weak Morning wood also.

I had a dream while sleeping, about this old friend I knew in Elementary school which my ocd gave me thinking I'm attracted to him in real life. Handsome dude (facially speaking), but I aren't magnetically attractive to him or his sexual parts. I dream I was at his place and my mother also, and they treated us all very nice.

When I woke up I was up feeling okay, I know what this is is the showcase of kindness. Because I know in real life he helped my mother once, and I can appreciate when people in my age show kindness in helping. I also feminine in those dreams -.- which weird me out, because I like being strong as a human being.

Things like this don't give me feeling like my libido is back, that only happens when i dream about me having sex with a woman. Then I wake up feeling energetic and somewhat released as if I really had sex without leaking anything, idk weird.