Damaged Goods

Day 1: This is my story and my journey with my partner.

I lost my virginity a little over two years ago to my ex fiancé. Since then I’ve always had trouble orgasming except on my own that being almost always with porn. I have shed many tears over it and counting about half the times we had sex I never orgasmed. I attempted no PM (before I had ever even heard of NoFap) and did about 30 days with some results but I struggled so hard with depression I feel right back in. Combining some other issues and our struggling sex life plus the distance because I moved around after I joined the Marine Corps it was too much, we ended things.

Immediately I had downloaded dating apps already moved on and so detached from my last relationship. It’s scarey how distant we were. I began searching for something. Within a few days of the break up I downloaded Tinder again and saw I matched with someone I was already friends with but didn’t even realize was gay though I had my suspicions. (Note: I downloaded Tinder when I was in my past relationship so it wasn’t a week prior that I had it downloaded trying to fill a void) I went over that day something sparked. We had a lot in common, including our sexual strife, which we later discovered. I struggled with delayed ejaculation (DE) and he struggled with erectile dysfunction (ED). The common factor being porn was the only thing that’d fix it, ironically it was what broke it with a mixture of suppressed self feelings that being gay was wrong due to our up bringings. I started NoFap that day, hearing it from a friend at work and we (two other guys I worked with) were a support group. But like flys they dropped off and I made it to 52 days but we were having issues with sex and he didn’t want to so the drive became strong and I was weak. I downloaded Grindr and hooked up with someone. A few days later I was hooked on porn. My partner was understanding but the issue persisted but so does my drive to reboot.

About two weeks ago my partner joined me on my journey of NoFap. We have reset twice but today we decided we need to take it serious so we set the stakes higher, PMO. Until we both make it 90 days we will not have sex. His clock reset last night and since we both have to make it, so did mine. We are a team.

 

Thank you I appreciate the encouraging words.

 

Day 2: I’m loosing my freaking mind!

I was doing fine with the 90 no PM! I just began a new relationship. I’d only O maybe every other week or so but it was worth the waiting and since the relapse it’s gotten soooo much harder not easier. I thought it was day 3 not 2. Yesterday I struggled with depression and confused feelings about my past relationship and assuming I was the fuck up and broke his heart. On top of that all I can think about is fucking. I prefer topping but if I’m in the right mood I’ll bottom. I’m so horny I don’t even care! What upsets me is I don’t care who it’s with.

I explained it to a couple of the guys I work with and why I’m doing it. I mentioned the emptiness I got from that hook up and how I fear it again. I want it but I don’t want to want it. It’s all that’s in my mind though. There was this one guy I was talking to and he was married but his husband is away (military as well) so they have a open relationship. I thought about screwing him for a hour last night, it consumed my mind. So I think about how I am going to manage these urges when we are long distant for a few months. I’m just struggling on what is right and what’s going to make me happy vs empty. Will these desires ever go away? Is it bad to want to find a “buddy” while my partner is gone for the purpose to maybe continue the no PM trend? I think it’s No to both but I just want someone’s approval so I can act out.

 

Day 3:

Been a much better day! I feel like there are some many other things I’ve chosen to think about but my emotions are a little wild also. It’s difficult letting go too. The first time When I made it to 50+ days I wasn’t viewing it as perminate. I was just testing how well I’d do. So now knowing I’ll never look at porn again. I’m sad. It made me happy and gave me what I wanted. It was sex with no complications, no risk, no pain, no judgement. That’s what I loved most about porn. It didn’t have an opinion of me. It accepted me for me. It didn’t care who I was or what I wanted. It allowed me to explore my interest in older men without the fear of they are going to die before I do or my intrest in bigger men without the judgment from my friends. Porn has been my safety net like that one friend some of you may have that if you’re still single at 35 you’ll get married and have kids. That has been porn for me. Now that I’m back in the real world not having really left it I’m dealing with a lot of fears and emotions I believe I surprised and was able to because of porn. I’m just going to be honest and say I’m a little lost. My fear of the consequences of who I love have been something I have been suppressing for a long and I don’t know how to deal with it.

 

Day 6: Over a hump

Today was a good day. Some other things are happening in my relationship so I have been struggling with depression. I over think a lot but this has given me some time to understand what I’m looking for. What I want. So we’ve been discussing that. It’s been emotional but hopefully we can move past it. Besides that today was good. I don’t know if it was just because I kept busy or what. I had a couple moments where I desired it but for the most part I haven’t thought about it. I feel balanced again. Hopefully this trend will continue but I know there will be more hard days to come.