Dark realization about why I used porn (suicidal idealization warning)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Newlife33, Nov 27, 2019.

  1. Newlife33

    Newlife33 Fapstronaut

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    I've been doing a lot of therapy and self work and something came up about three weeks ago that really shocked me. I was talking to my therapist about how I cope with a lot of things. We've been trying to work on why I escalated so wildly in my pornography use.

    We figured out why, and it was really dark. I remember giving myself two options when I was about eight years old. I was either going to kill myself, or try to figure out a way to distract myself and survive until I could get out at 18. P***, video games, alcohol and weed were the distractions that helped me survive and numb everything. If I didn't do those things, I was 100% going to kill myself. That realization is pretty insane, the thought that I've been carrying that around for so long without realizing it, and now it's almost more scarier to live without it.

    I know now how disturbing it is to live with the thought of wanting to kill myself, and I never want to go back to that place. I guess I've only been able to talk about it now even though the realization came three weeks ago because I've been in such shock. Has anyone else had a realization like this? I feel pretty alone right now with how I have experienced this addiction but I have a feeling that there are others out there.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2019 at 12:14 PM
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  2. OldSofa

    OldSofa Fapstronaut

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    I do not think you are alone. I have been working with my therapist trying to figure out some things from the past. I thought everyone could not remember much of their childhood, but I seriously cannot remember barely ANYthing from when I lived at home. Especially middle years. My older siblings have told me that I had some serious issues, and I do wonder about some of the things you mentioned.
    The first time I read a sherlock holmes story (grade 8 or 9 english class), I remember being in awe. Because the character was described as having no feelings at all, ever. And in my mind, he became my idol.
    So I may not have exactly this issue, but you are definitely not alone. Be strong. Recovery is a great thing for us to work on. And you are always welcome to pm me.
     
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  3. Ogikubo

    Ogikubo Fapstronaut

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    I was quite amazed by your powerful post, and I do not think you are alone. I cannot say I had the same experience as you, but my therapist also helped me uncover some issues related to my discovery of porn when I was in the sixth grade. The situation, after I relayed it and discussed it, made me so angry. I mean, I got over it but it was an anger that I am glad found the light of day and was released.
    Anyway, I do hope you feel better soon. What you have realized is quite staggering and will certainly have an impact on your life. I think uncovering this will make you a stronger and fuller person. I hope so!
     
  4. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

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    I would not place this at the core of your problems. There is a tendency to condense causes to single thing. It comes form natural desire to find root cause that can be removed and fix all problems.
    There is almost never a root cause. Yes you maybe able to identify the exact snowflake that started the avalanche, but in all honestly that snowflake is one of millions of others about to fall and identifying it does not undo the avalanche.
    Avalanches are caused by months of snow accumulation not by the snowflake that makes it start
     

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