Dating advice for a 31 year old virgin

B

bakerbhf

Fapstronaut
I won’t go into my life history but to summarise I have never had a romantic relationship (3 days where I didn’t see her for most of the time doesn’t count). I am only a few days into my current streak; however, I am feeling a lot more stable this time around and would like to start at least thinking about dating. One of my goals is to find a long-term partner. Whilst I want to change my life for myself, having this goal and channelling time and energy towards it is a useful outlet and motivation for me to keep going.

Although introverted I can be quite sociable and have some good friends, including women. I am not completely socially inept! I have tried Tinder in the past and ditched it after I only matched with a bot so not keen on going down that avenue again. Covid restrictions are lifting where I am but I am currently in a fairly rural location and cannot drive. Given all this I have done some reading on online dating re: sites, approaches etc. but there is a lot out there and not sure where to start. I would love to hear any pointers from the community, especially if you have been in a similar situation.

I am willing to give some more details on my background if this helps or if anyone is interested.
 
bakerbhf said:
I won’t go into my life history but to summarise I have never had a romantic relationship (3 days where I didn’t see her for most of the time doesn’t count). I am only a few days into my current streak; however, I am feeling a lot more stable this time around and would like to start at least thinking about dating. One of my goals is to find a long-term partner. Whilst I want to change my life for myself, having this goal and channelling time and energy towards it is a useful outlet and motivation for me to keep going.

Although introverted I can be quite sociable and have some good friends, including women. I am not completely socially inept! I have tried Tinder in the past and ditched it after I only matched with a bot so not keen on going down that avenue again. Covid restrictions are lifting where I am but I am currently in a fairly rural location and cannot drive. Given all this I have done some reading on online dating re: sites, approaches etc. but there is a lot out there and not sure where to start. I would love to hear any pointers from the community, especially if you have been in a similar situation.

I am willing to give some more details on my background if this helps or if anyone is interested.
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Develop a healthy social life more broadly. Dating is only a part of that. The wrong relationship will hold you back. So will the wrong friends. Take the coaches with a grain of salt. It isn’t that they don’t have some useful advice, it’s that they will work your insecurities to keep you hooked into their content.

Your primary purpose is to cultivate the life you want, and that is going to take more effort than you think. If part of that life is a long term partner you will need to get clear about what it is you want, what it is you don’t, and start vetting the women you meet accordingly. The same is true of relationships and friendships more generally.

The details of your background probably aren’t all that important to anyone other than you. Pretty much everyone that has ended up here has got some variation on the same story: “loser decides to get his shit together”. That isn’t the nicest way to say it, but it rings true.

Learn from your past and engage with the present so you can have a better future.
 
bakerbhf said:
I won’t go into my life history but to summarise I have never had a romantic relationship (3 days where I didn’t see her for most of the time doesn’t count). I am only a few days into my current streak; however, I am feeling a lot more stable this time around and would like to start at least thinking about dating. One of my goals is to find a long-term partner. Whilst I want to change my life for myself, having this goal and channelling time and energy towards it is a useful outlet and motivation for me to keep going.

Although introverted I can be quite sociable and have some good friends, including women. I am not completely socially inept! I have tried Tinder in the past and ditched it after I only matched with a bot so not keen on going down that avenue again. Covid restrictions are lifting where I am but I am currently in a fairly rural location and cannot drive. Given all this I have done some reading on online dating re: sites, approaches etc. but there is a lot out there and not sure where to start. I would love to hear any pointers from the community, especially if you have been in a similar situation.

I am willing to give some more details on my background if this helps or if anyone is interested.
Click to expand...

Be wary of those dating coaches and seducers and whatnot. The other guy said take everything with a grain of salt. Recommend watching this guy (but don't be too proud like he can be). - https://youtube.com/c/marquettism
 
Thanks @Garek and @cresyhorse. I have stayed clear of buying into the pickup artists and so on but it is still a useful warning. The YouTuber suggestion seems to be the exact opposite of who I want to be so thanks but no thanks.
 
bakerbhf said:
One of my goals is to find a long-term partner. Whilst I want to change my life for myself, having this goal and channelling time and energy towards it is a useful outlet and motivation for me to keep going.
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Is really good to have goals and ambitions, but pursuing a relationship is not good at all. Woman persue relationships, man persue goals and ambitions like sports, money, power or status. Focus your time in working in yourself to be the best version you can be. Be happy about your life, go after your goals and ambitions and work a lot to be the best you can and the happier you can but been alone. Once you are in this place you can open to date woman to have fun, lot of it. Woman want to be with a man that is happy, that is after his goals and ambitions and not woman. Woman love to get the attention of man that are not after woman. So don't do it, go after what you want and woman are going to try to distract you from your goals. Have fun with them and keep persuiing your goals. After dating a lot you are going to find one that you really enjoy speading time with and that's when you can think about having a relationship, but as I tell you before always keep yout goals and ambitions first, that was the thing this woman was attracted to you in the first place, people make the mistake to put the relationship first and leave behind their goals and ambitions and that lower the woman attraction to you. Always go after yout goals and ambitions, no matter if you are in a relationship.

bakerbhf said:
Although introverted I can be quite sociable and have some good friends, including women.
Click to expand...
This is good but if you never be with someone theres something in you that don't attract woman. Probably been a nice guy, or not having goals, or not been good looking or not been athletic, etc... figure that out and work on yourself to be your best version, to be prouf of you, to be really happy about your life and more woman are going to be interested to be part of your life.
 
I was in the same situation, didn't start dating until I was 31 for various reasons.

I eventually turned to online dating, didn't have much luck with Tinder but found POF and eHarmony more useful. 5 years on and after gaining bags of dating experience through trial and error, I have been in a relationship for the last two years.

If you do go down the online dating route, my biggest piece of advice is that you get out what you put in. From Day 1 you need to polish your profile, upload decent photos and put work in each day to send thoughtful messages to potential women and be patient. There will be moments of utter despair, frustration and misery but it's something where, at least for me, persistence paid off in the end.

People criticise online dating and while it has its drawbacks, it's merely a platform to get you into a place where you can meet people and that's when it starts to get really interesting.
 
p1n1983 said:
Focus your time in working in yourself to be the best version you can be. Be happy about your life, go after your goals and ambitions and work a lot to be the best you can and the happier you can but been alone.
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I have heard many say this and I agree to an extent. My other goals are along these lines but they do all ultimately lead to the same goal which is that I would like to start a family. I have spent much of my life focusing on career goals and have been successful but that has meant not putting time or effort into relationships. I want to try and balance this out now and see if I can use this to motivate me.

p1n1983 said:
This is good but if you never be with someone theres something in you that don't attract woman. Probably been a nice guy, or not having goals, or not been good looking or not been athletic, etc... figure that out and work on yourself to be your best version, to be prouf of you, to be really happy about your life and more woman are going to be interested to be part of your life.
Click to expand...

Been through the 'nice guy'/incel stage at times but fortunately I never fully fell into that pit. As someone once said a few years ago, 'you aren't bad looking and you are a good person, why don't you have a girlfriend?'. The answer being that I have had a chronically negative view of myself and still do despite what I have achieved. PMO has amplified all of my negative thought processes. I am trying to change but of course it is going to take time and commitment.
 
I have some unconventional advice based on my experiences. The most helpful thing I've found for a successful relationship is to gain emotional intelligence through cognitive behavioral therapy books. What it did for me, besides making me much more comfortable in my own skin, is teaching me to recognize other people's unreasonable emotional demands and to be able to deal with them without losing my shit. Because of learning this stuff I recognize emotional manipulation and games very quickly and can react in a productive and healthy way. It has been super helpful. Two books I shill on here all the time are A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis and Feeling Good by David D Burns. I got way better at spotting girls who are playing games and who are emotionally unhealthy. It makes it easier to cull unhealthy women from my dating pool. Add that to your self improvement arsenal and you'll be way ahead of the curve.
 
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