Dating and depression

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this thing going on.. returning depression.

In my case, it returns every bunch of weeks. And lasts a week or two or so. Working is barely doable. I myself am under treatment by therapists and such, but my depression keeps returning which makes you desperate about the situation.

Yay.. you got a match. You chat a bit, and suddenly BAM depression returns. It's almost impossible to find the triggers. Because they are probably not even there. It's like someone in another room, in another house, in another country has remote with a big red button. Which is pressed at random.

Oh wait.. he's doing fine now? Let's reinstate that depression to keep him low and pressured..

So you start to feel like crap and your energy, your positivity and general mood drains away in slowly but surely. And there's nothing you can do about it!

We all know women LOVE a man who is slow, has no confidence and zero assertiveness. Because that's what depression does. It makes you a negativity monster and people love to be around such people.

I can't be the only to recognize this.

I'd post on specific depression forums, but that's just filled with other depressing people like me!

My point is that it seems it's impossible to date when you have returning depression. One week you can feel great, be pleasurable to be around with, and the other week it's all hell in your mind!

 

Depression affects every part of one's life. It's not just dating. Work can be extremely difficult to keep up. Not to mention personal ambitions. Like how I wanted to start my own online business. Start with (another new) great idea, write it out, then BAM it kicks in.. you start to realize how long it will take to see success, the amount of hours you will need to put in, investment money you don't have, because due to your depression you make impulsive purchases that at that moment seemed to be the silver bullet to get you of your mess, if only for a short lived moment. Realizing all that, I abandon my projects more quickly each time.

Depression is immensely frustrating, it even makes you bitter, and suspicious. Suspicious someone else is still deliberately inflicting this on you. While in my case, it's clear that I have had abuse in the past in my weakest moment. Every sentence someone speaks you analyze because you never know if that person is out to hurt you or take advantage of you. The slightest comment will be taken as a personal offence, and result in anger that you bottle up because you know expressing anger at that moment isn't right from a rational perspective. You know that person probably didn't mean it badly, yet you do feel that way. The feeling of injustice can tear one apart inside and you've got nowhere to go with your emotions.

I can't imagine how people in conflict stricken countries must feel. Because my depression is nothing compared to the grief there. Nevertheless, it still s*cks to have depression, wherever you are. It s*cks the living spirit out of you, and you don't know when it will end, and if it's going to end at all.

My therapist tells me; You should go out and do more stuff outside of home. I think she's right, but when in that negative mood, you don't see any way out. You don't have the energy, and you sure as hell don't see the point of doing anything. One thing I did notice. It's more commonly the intelligent people - excuse me if I sound arrogant - that suffer from depression. For I believe they see the world for what it really is. And not just that, it's also the developed brain that wants to think.. because it can. And causes less doing, and too much overthinking. Sometimes I wish I was a bit more.. ignorant.

It's also a terrible thing to know you can do so much more, than the enslaving job you have now, due to depression and anxiety that go hand in hand. It drains you of all of your confidence, and your skills, your knowledge and abilities don't get any chance to develope.

Maybe it's true. Do these jets smuther us with chemtrails and make me go crazy? Was it my parents fault and did they raise me wrongly? Or am I just born with bad luck. I know I like to believe that it's got anything to do but with bad luck. Unfortunately, we all have genetics that decide our fate in life.

I for one, am a not that a tall male, living in the country with the tallest people on earth. Yay! Complemented by a background of abuse, sensitive personality and just enough intelligence to realize that you are f*cked if you wanted to date anything better than leftovers. Don't get me wrong. I'm a mid thirties leftover myself, still in illusion that I can date a pretty woman who will actually like me for who I am.