Dating App Conundrum: Did I Make an Oops?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by n7elite30, Jul 22, 2020.

  1. n7elite30

    n7elite30 Fapstronaut

    First off, let me preface this by saying I totally know that dating apps are a slippery slope and I shouldn't have been using one in the first place, ESPECIALLY not when I'm still in the early stages of a reboot. I'm not exactly sure what my initial intentions were, despite telling myself they were good, but I did not expect what actually happened in the slightest.

    As some background, this past week I've been heavily self-analyzing and self-reflecting during my reboot. One of the conclusions I came to is that I needed to stop oversharing with romantic interests because they either would not care, would not reciprocate my openness and depth, or just outright walk away. I told myself I needed to value my inner thoughts and feelings and keep them safe until someone actually proved to me they were interested and willing to reciprocate before I talked about any of them. At my counselor's suggestion, I even started a checklist of character traits that I hold to be important so that I could be more discerning in my pursuit of real, meaningful intimacy and connection rather than just sexual satisfaction.

    How on Earth was I supposed to know I would actually meet someone that checked those boxes so soon? And on a free dating app no less! I'm doing my best to keep my INFP-ness in check but, so far, this young lady shares my religious values, shared her thoughts and feelings in a way that made me feel safe enough to share my own, understood and accepted the flaws of mine that I have admitted so far, and seems genuinely interested in getting to know me for me rather than for my looks or anything else. I'm even noticing that my brain is analyzing her physical beauty differently (maybe this is the beginnings of my brain actually rewiring away from porn?) because my eyes are drawn much more to her face than any other part of her. Even more shocking is she lives within easy driving distance of the town I'm planning on moving to very soon! I know she isn't a catfish either because I have actually spoken with her via video chat as well.

    Here's where it gets more complicated though: as much as I love talking to someone like this that makes me feel understood and appreciated, I'm scared half to death. My life is a MESS right now between finishing summer classes, looking for a job, moving out of my parents' house (preferably for good this time). That's all stuff she and I have talked about and she seems to be really understanding of it. However, I'm also still only ankle-deep in my reboot from porn, which I have not mentioned to her since she has not talked about her sexual past with me either. I am also wary of the fact that it's only been a day or two of really talking to each other, even though we have talked about things that other people would take weeks, months, or even years to open up about. I'm also worried about how much my brain is still warped from porn because just having her compliment my looks in a completely harmless and nonsexual manner causes me to get a little messy down South if you get my meaning. Is that a normal response or some kind of overreaction from my porn-deprived brain?

    I guess my reason for posting this is to get some advice or some suggestions on how to proceed. I get attached VERY easily so I'm trying really hard to keep that in check and not blow this up into something super serious before I'm ready. At the same time, we've had deep enough conversations for me to know that she checks a LOT of the right boxes for me so I'm finding it hard not to dive into this and I certainly don't want to cut this off out of fear and hurt her feelings after she and I were both so vulnerable with each other already.

    What do y'all think? (Kudos if you actually read this whole thing. I know I'm long-winded.)
     
  2. Le 17

    Le 17 Fapstronaut

    I mean, i know that your situation is a little messy right now but if you like her then try to meet her.
    And when you meet her just have fun, but try not to tell her everything about you the same day or week.
    I did this with my ex and it became difficult to talk because we knew everything about each other.

    What i think is that you should just chill and try to meet up if possible. Dont be too serious and have fun with her:)

    Good luck!
     
    Thors and Johnthesavage like this.
  3. I like @Le 17 's advice. Just have fun and take it easy. You definitely don't want to overstate early on because I don't think women appreciate that. At least, that's been my experience. I was in a similar position to you and I thought this girl checked all the right boxes (in retrospect she didn't, so maybe be open to that possibility too) and I just kept blabbing on about myself and my problems and that probably squashed any interest she had in me. On the other extreme however with my current girlfriend I took things very slow, albeit unintentionally as I hadn't imagined myself as dating her, even though she was interested in me from the get go, but by degrees I really fell in love with her :). I guess all that to say, no rush! Don't feel like you have to cut it off and don't jump all in too fast because you might scare her off like I've done in the past. Your best bet is to probably explain that you have a million and one things going on and that you'd like to take things slow (who knows, that might have the reverse effect of getting her to dive all in. Haha)
     
    Le 17 likes this.
  4. n7elite30

    n7elite30 Fapstronaut

    Well so far, she’s the one diving in more than me to the point that she’s already getting kind of clingy and needy. I would like to meet her in person but it will be a little bit before I can do that. I may need to gently try to step things back a little bit, not cut things off completely but try to get a little space. I like being wanted but sometimes it’s a little too much... I agree that it already feels like there isn’t a whole lot to talk about now because we’ve talked about so much already.
     
    Le 17 likes this.
  5. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    too much too soon. keep chat and video calls with her short and fun. avoid deep stuff and make a date already in person! more you talk over chat or phone is less time you spend with her in person. Woman fall in love in person, over chat you are just one more guy she is chatting with in the app. That's a free ticket to friendzone faster than you think.
     
    n7elite30 and Le 17 like this.
  6. n7elite30

    n7elite30 Fapstronaut

    Honestly, getting friend-zoned wouldn't be such a bad thing at this point. At least that would be her decision so I wouldn't have to feel bad about hurting her feelings. I really need better self-control when it comes to my loneliness. It'll be easier once I get a job and move back closer to my friends and my brother and sister. I'm also learning that, even if someone seems really nice, I always experience some level of discomfort from meeting someone off an app. I'm not really sure why...

    Besides all that, judging by my fluctuating emotions even over the last day or so, I can tell dating in general is probably not a good idea for me right now until I either finish my reboot or get a lot deeper into it.

    As awful as it might sound, part of me wishes she would do something to make me mad so I would have a more solid reason to back off. Without revealing any details, she has had a rough history to the point where even being told she looks nice makes her bubble over with giddiness. I'm a very empathetic person so it absolutely devastates me to hurt someone else's feelings, especially if they're kind-hearted and mean well. As an example, with my longest relationship, I sat on the floor and downright sobbed for HOURS after I broke up with her because I knew how much it hurt her. Just from talking to this current girl, I can tell that just abruptly pushing away would hurt her terribly. I know the whole "the longer you wait, the worse it will get" thing but there has to be a better way, for her sake and mine.
     
  7. Bro you’re all over the place
     
    Johnthesavage and Le 17 like this.
  8. Le 17

    Le 17 Fapstronaut

    I also was very sad after my ex broke up with me because i hurt her so much. Its been 6 months and i still feel bad for how bad i was as a boyfriend but thats in the past. You must focus on what YOU want, do you want to date her or to be friends? Decide because if you are indecicive you will hurt her anyway. You want her? Date her. You dont think you are ready? Explain why and move on but dont get stuck and depressed.
    I wish you luck bro, the choice is yours.
     
    Johnthesavage and n7elite30 like this.
  9. n7elite30

    n7elite30 Fapstronaut

    Well said! Thank you for putting it so plainly. I have a bad habit of making things more complicated than they need to be...
     
    Le 17 likes this.
  10. n7elite30

    n7elite30 Fapstronaut

    Yeah I know. Trying to do better.
     
  11. Le 17

    Le 17 Fapstronaut

    Dont be hard on yourself, just learn from your mistakes :)
     
    n7elite30 likes this.
  12. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    This
     
    Le 17 likes this.
  13. n7elite30

    n7elite30 Fapstronaut

    Update: I had a long talk with her and told her I just wanted to be friends for now. I did end up coming clean about my reboot to her, even though I hadn't planned on it and she was understanding. Anyway, I've decided that, based on my shy and sensitive personality, it would probably be better from now on if I just let women approach me instead of trying so hard to chase them. That way, I don't have to puzzle over their intentions and I don't have to worry about this sort of thing.
     
    Le 17 likes this.
  14. Le 17

    Le 17 Fapstronaut

    Good job brother! You took a dicision, it probably was hard but you did it. Well done:)
     
    n7elite30 likes this.

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