Dating Apps: The Uncomfortable Truth

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Deleted Account, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. No matter the rationalisations used, the unavoidable conclusion is drawn that dating apps in all their variety and variation are crutches to one degree or another. Tinder, Bumble, POF… they all are designed purposely to hook us in, keep us coming back and turn wondrous human beings into dependent shells of our former self. This is authored from personal experience and the reading and research that I have done.

    The main ‘advantage’ of dating apps such as Tinder is that they are routes to easily access a wellspring of girls with ease. I am here to tell you that this ease is only perceived ease. Our minds have been fooled, and our brain circuitry hijacked. Every minute we spend tapping our digits across the alluringly bright and glowing screen of our smartphone is one we are not doing real approaches, increasing our SMV and a myriad of other inherently valuable things. We use Tinder not because it in and of itself is valuable, it is because of what it promises to bring us that we come back to it day after day. For the vast, vast majority, the ROI (Return on Investment) of Tinder and the like is not worth it. It costs us far more than it brings to us. For men on the upward path, anything that does this must be purged and purged with urgency.

    For those of you (myself included) on the journey of NoFap, using dating apps is like playing with dynamite. As it is said in ‘Willpower Doesn’t Work’, our behavioural cues are deeply ingrained and subconscious. No matter the context, our primal brains see the features of a young, attractive and fertile mate and arousal sparks off with a flash. The fact that it is merely the arrangement of pixels is incomprehensible to a part of our brain that evolved when the height of technology was a stick with some flint tied to the end. The part of our brain that can comprehend this, the prefrontal cortex, and help us make better decisions, is the same part that shuts down the moment arousal begins.

    Dating apps play on our psychology, both to reel us in and keep us hooked. The very creator of the app said it was inspired by the experiments of B. F. Skinner, who turned pigeons into gambling addicts through uncertain reward - the irony and familiarity should be apparent to you. If we swiped and swiped and never matched with anyone, we would quickly leave these apps to wither. The fact that it might be the next person we swipe, and if not then the next, or the girl after that is what entrances us. If you are like me, and you in the past time when you would go on Tinder, so you could swipe twice a day and not just once, you have a compulsion to use it. And it needs to go.

    The very core, the very roots of apps like Tinder are rotten gentlemen. They are based on manipulation, on the psychology of addiction. Every sound, colour and element of the user interface is meticulously designed to drag back in a human mind woefully inadequate for the time we find ourselves living in. There is a reason why Tinder implemented the Plus and Gold features, aside money-grabbing greed. The number of right swipes, one-hundred total, is just enough to get you into a flow state. Right, right, left, left, right, left… you do this for five, maybe ten minutes zoned in and hypnotised by the novelty and new faces and bodies before you. All of a sudden, you hit a wall. The new faces and girls stop. The little squirts of dopamine cease. Come back in twelve hours it says… unless you slide us some of your hard-earned cash, then you can keep swiping until your heart is content (hint: it never will be). This is the key point: it is nearly impossible to responsibly use an app that completely depends on its users being irresponsible and dependent on it to operate and survive. In the case of Tinder Plus and Gold, if in any other area we spent hard, real money on the mere possibility of getting a result which was uncertain at best to being with, we would be seen as insane.

    There will be people who think that they are not addicted and to each their own. One thing I would advise in all areas is to ask yourself if you truly believe what you are saying, or if you are rationalising your behaviour in order to avoid making hard decisions and confronting harsh realities.
  2. Karimtolstoi

    Karimtolstoi Fapstronaut

    Great thread man! All of those who are having a nofap journey should bannish dating apps.
    I think dating apps have three common traits with porn :
    First, you may fantasize about women only because of their pics.
    Second, it gives an addictive behavior as already explained.
    Third, they don't help you approach girls. Actually, they deepen your fear of approach in the real life. All they do is placing you in the orbit of a woman along with many other men.
    TheFlash123, NTG and (deleted member) like this.
  3. I met my last gf on tinder, spend great one year with her and cured my PIED.

    I just set my settings - age, distance - and like em all. I dont watch, just click clik clik i dont care. Some like u back. Ok. Invite to date. U have real date now.
    TheFlash123, Espi1971 and SparkySub like this.
  4. Sardonic

    Sardonic Fapstronaut

    In the run up to my 29th birthday last year I tried downloading every app going ( and almost got scammed by a dodgy site) in a pre-mid life crisis level attempt to meet the goal "get a date (and hopefully sex) by age 30" but what ended up happening was the 4 or 5 matches I got on Tinder never replied so I got disinterested. I had POF too, but it was all bot/Bullshit profiles.

    I deleted Tinder a few months ago, reinstalled it last month ( Just before turning 30) and got a match, again no reply. Then second match I got we exchanged pleasantries but that was it. I decided to delete because even though it'd be, shall we say "intriguing" to meet someone off an app I genuinely don't think I'm in the right place to be doing that. I might give it another try when I'm about to turn 39 in a last ditch attempt to not be a Steve Carrell movie.
    SparkySub likes this.
  5. Yo man Sardonic, its all good, you will be 30 thats cool. I had my 1st long term relationship after I started NoFap cca year and something ago. That means that Ive spend my 35th year of life in relationship. So freaking what? You still have time, no worries. And dont pursue that, forget that you need to have sex before this and that date. You "need" absolutely nothing in this. Anyway, what u describe is standard on Tinder for a male. I hauled thru it, and met my gf (now ex - another story)

    Just click thru those images, if u get a match, reply something casual, wait for a reply, than try to set a date fast - if not working, move on to another. Takes a few minutes of your day. I dont think its bad, if you do it like me. Just dont add any value to it, or a meaning, dont think about it, click click, bam bam, and after some time, you have a date. Why not? And so what if it takes months?
    Sardonic likes this.
  6. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

    Dating apps have their good and bad sides. I find online dating intensely frustrating at times, but it has allowed me to meet women that I would never have been able to otherwise. I'd never been on a date until I was 31, yet through dating apps I have been in two relationships, albeit short lived, and gained a number of female friends.

    Personally I have found online dating apps are like anything else in life - you get out what you put in. If you take time to prepare a decent profile with photos of you looking your best, you're more likely to be successful than by knocking a profile out in about 2 minutes with a handful of poorly lit selfies (as so many people do). You can only ever try your best and there's no guarantees of success, but if you can deal with the sheer frustration of it all and with a bit of luck and some good timing, it's possible to meet some good people. Once you've actually met them, the online bit of it is irrelevant - it's normal dating no different to if you'd have met them in the street.

    That said, I've found online dating apps have made rebooting that much more difficult, due to the nature of some of the pics, plus your mind naturally turns towards sex. So there is a need to be cautious for anyone that is thinking about using them.
  7. Thats why I just click thru the pictures, I press "like" on Tinder, like 10x a second, you dont even have to look at the pictures. If u get a match, check if it looks somehow good. But honestly, my "now ex" had the worse pictures ever. Than I told myself, whatever, I will date her and see for myself and WTF she looked good. Also, this aproach will improve your dating game. Dont turn nobody down. Go on those dates, u never know. If you dont enjoy it, tell her at the end you dont feel it and wish her good luck. Thats it. In all possible scenarios, you will gain some social skills.

    Just dont let the app make u feel like shit if u dont have matches. It takes time. I had like one match in month... so what. Better one than zero, u can meet ppl outside in the meantime as well. Its not like u need to wait for that match.

    My experience only

    PS: Ive cracked the code of that app, if someone really wants to know, I can share, its simple AF. Just reply to me
    TheFlash123 and yugowolf1991 like this.
  8. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

    Epic Fight - some interesting advice and for people who've never really dated much before, getting dates under your belt, simply to learn the ropes and gain those social skills is key.

    I did read that flicking through Tinder and swiping "like" to everyone moves your card to the bottom of the pile, so lowers the number of matches you get? Not sure how much truth there is in that.

    Your final point about not letting these apps make you feel like shit is great advice. I'm very much a "Mr Average", I get few matches and few responses and sometimes it is hard to stay positive and in a NoFap context, it can trigger the mind towards relapse. My advice for anyone for anyone else struggling in that way is to step away from it, delete the apps and go back again a few weeks later at which point hopefully they'll be some fresh faces on there. Being positive is key.
  9. Yes, bottom line is, if the app makes u feel bad, delete it. I use it in a way I dont care. I guess using all the likes I have takes maximum of 60 seconds.

    I dont know if giving likes like that moves your card to bottom.

    What I do is this to crack it:
    I set very strict ranges, so let say age 27-28
    Distance 8km

    And than I DISLIKE EM ALL.

    Yes. This way, I get all the old accounts out of my way.

    When new girl creates account, she receives my like very fast. And I guess, she can see me fast as well.

    This always worked for me. Dunno why.

    TheFlash123 and SpoonDog like this.
  10. whatrichme

    whatrichme Fapstronaut

    With my limited experience with my "male" account,
    there were one of those girl ask me (probably everyone) to write up a self intro+photo for her to screen, hack, WTF?
    another two I got to the point where I can ask them out but, one of them not my cup of tea, another my subconscious asked me to stop.

    well these apps, do an experiment:

    1. Open a new account, with a girl picture (reasonably good looking)
    2. Receive 100+ messages in 5 mins, from all types of men in town.

    Very ego boosting if I were a women, but as a man, no thanks this game is not for me.
    TheFlash123 likes this.
  11. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

    It's certainly true that women get inundated with messages, albeit many from weirdos, and it's difficult to be heard through the noise. I also think it makes them much more picky and very quick to drop you like a stone when the conversation is going well because someone they think is a better prospect gets in contact. I guess if you're in that position, you could afford to be that much more choosy, knowing that there's a very good chance someone you think is "better" is going be in touch eventually, simply because the messages keep coming.

    That said, given you see the same old faces on online dating apps, a lot of these women clearly aren't finding what they are looking for.
  12. Yes, they get 100s of matches in 10 minutes, but how many of those are really good matches? They just need to go thru lots and lots of BS. Also, its a fake confidence they gain. Because its virtual, in RL, they dont get 100 matches in 10 minutes.
    What I want to say, its a double edged sword. And also, I dont really care about how they have it. I care about me, and I get like 1 match a month :D its ok... tomorrow I have a date - after one month. But thats like 30*60 seconds time I invested.. half a hour. I dont need much more dates anyway. Good luck guys. As I say, dont get too much into it, just click thru the BS and wait. U get match, ok, u dont, ok. Be well :)
  13. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

    Hmm, from my personal experience with dating apps I can see how that can become addicting to a degree. But I will have to say that thanks to the dating apps, they helped me with my dating life in terms of first learning how approach women on the net, to finally taking them on dates and having fun regardless if I had sex with them or not.

    While I think dating via the old fashion way leads to more committed relationships, I think that the dating apps do help in terms of people who wish to date but are not specifically looking for a committed relationships.
    TheFlash123 likes this.
  14. seb345

    seb345 Fapstronaut

    I do like dating apps and we are living in a world that kind of revolves around social media and online types of communication. I can't say that places like Tinder are a total scam but hey I mean people do pay money for it and it's a legit business. Dating online is just a lot more convenient in the modern fast-paces life. I am using a lot of date apps (my current favorite is this one: and a lot of them usually have some really weird kinks in them but I recently came over this really nice app that helped me be who I am and meet really nice people and find my SO.
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2019
    GoodFollow likes this.
  15. MrT3650

    MrT3650 Fapstronaut

    I think you're overthinking these dating apps way too much. Yes they're designed for hooking up for the most part but there are some people who find something special. You should only use dating apps as supplemental and should never have them as your primary way to meet women. I've been on and off Tinder since 2013 and it comes in handy but I go out and meet women the right way; by being social and outgoing. You should get rid of the various dating apps you're using if it has drawn you to these conclusions.
  16. OnTheEdge

    OnTheEdge Fapstronaut

    I have used match and went on a few dates with one woman and formed a relationship with another, which recently ended. I don't regret using it because i learned a lot, I feel. I never really dated before this and so haven't had to deal with rejection of a relationship breakup. I guess having now experienced both i am better prepared for the future.
    TheFlash123 and Espi1971 like this.
  17. Reso1ution

    Reso1ution Fapstronaut

    The same can be said about dating in a park or cafe. Because you never know who you've met. Moreover, you can live with a person for 10 years and not know who you are living with, especially if he commit some kind of betrayal towards you.. So I'm inclined to assume that it's all relative. By the way, my friends had a good experience with dating apps. They met decent people there, and they are now in great relations. That's why I'm also thinking about creating my own page on the site de rencontre. And I hope I'll find the love of my life there. Only I should sign up for a gym to improve my fitness.
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2020
    TheFlash123 likes this.

Share This Page