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Dating during reboot- bad idea?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Mindy, Jul 28, 2018.

  1. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone. I’d like to hear opinions that will hopefully give me some direction. Here’s some background on me first.

    I’m a 25 year old female. I’ve struggled with MO for 9 years and it wasn’t until this last year I started using P. My streaks aren’t long, but I’m truly trying. I’ve been clean just over a week now. I’m Christian and one thing about my religion is that family is a major focus. I’m encouraged to have good family relations and start a family someday when the time is right. I truly do want to be a good wife and mother someday! Family is such an important part of God’s plan.
    Okay, so now let me pose my question: is dating a bad idea during a reboot?
    I ask because I have this innate desire to have companionship and find “my person” (partly because of my beliefs and desire to start a family). I think we all want love and companionship and finding someone is always in the back of our minds. But my AP who I really trust and look up to suggested that maybe dating isn’t a good idea because I need to figure out this PMO stuff first. He said that bringing a guy into the problem will just make it more difficult on me and him. I get what he’s saying. Plus, I’d hate to bring all this baggage with me... but at the same time, because of my beliefs, I am so driven towards having a relationship and hopefully getting married someday and having a family and the only way to reach that point is to date. In my mind I don’t want to put it off until I feel like I’m “stable” because who knows when that will be? I don’t want to miss opportunities. What if there is someone out there that ends up being a huge blessing and help for me, and me for him.
    I get asked out often and I enjoy going out and meeting new people... but now I’m wondering if it’s better I put that on the back burner and really just focus on beating PMO even if it takes years and years.

    Thoughts? Experiences?
     
  2. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I'm not necessarily going for a full 90 days hard mode no-PMO reboot, but I've set a goal for myself of 30 days minimum hard mode, followed by lifetime regular mode no-PM. How long hard mode will actually last, I don't know, but I want to find a serious girlfriend, and that will hopefully mean switching to regular mode. I've just had consecutive streaks of 4 days, 6 days, 10 days, and now I've completed 7 days this streak, and I feel further along than on previous streaks. It feels easier at a week than it did on my last streak. Day 0 of this streak didn't seem like I was back at the same place I was at day 0 of my previous streak. I ended my streaks with just MO, so that minimizes the setbacks compared to PMO, or an MO binge.

    People often say reboots take an average 90 days hard mode (some people can take only a month, some people over a year, but 90 seems like the most common length), with lesser modes taking longer. Some people say having an SO helps them during their reboot, and that it helps to rewire to responding to a person physically present with you. Personally, I think 30 days hard mode will mean I'm healed well enough that I don't have to worry about dragging someone through the worst of my problems, but she can still help the healing process. Perhaps the 30 Day Challenge before dating is goal that might work for you? Since you have half the time period of MO that I do, and much less time with P, the process should even be a bit easier for you than me. I don't think waiting till you are "completely healed" to date is a great idea. How do you really know when you are healed well enough, and will you ever be completely healed? That's why I suggest an arbitrary goal that's difficult, but possible, and will give you confidence and a sense of accomplishment.
     
    Only1Life, Mindy and (deleted member) like this.
  3. i will tell you my point of view. i am a 26 year old girl and I am Christian as well btw. after a year of hard mode pmo free i relapsed bad and ended watching p because i was afraid the guy with whom i slept and started dating didn't want to see me anymore (i went to see him other times after that). i have been lately from a year thinking about wanting to settle down, find the guy right for me finally, having kids in the future but i would love that. i always sort of wanted to have a serious relationship at least bf-gf but that didn't happen in the past and i was left really tired and heartbroken, tired of being alone and now the thought of dating wrong guys with whom it doesn't last is so pointless, i want someone with whom i bond and last, even if with my s. addiction i am scared of being vulnerable with someone and scared he will abandon me so half of me is very scared of committment. I wanna be with the right guy for me. as of right now, i realized s. is off the cards, i am not able to control myself. about dating i wish i could still see the guy with whom i had s. and dated a little. i will text him in a week and a half. i still sometimes thinks about when i was hugging him, caressing his hair, waking up next to him

    my advice for you: don't think what you ap says to you. he doesn't know what you feel, you triggers completely. you are the only one who can figure what is the best for you. also how long have you been rebooting? everyone brings baggage in a relationship. small, medium or big. if they decide to be with you, they are ready to accept all of you. i get it you don't wanna miss opportunities, is there a guy that might be a good guy, worthy of you that asked you out ? I read this quote from r tribe app that i check-in daily and is of great help for my reboot and it says "the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection". Be honest with yourself. as it did to me, i thought i was ready to date and have s. after 1 year of reboot and it backfired and I relapsed bad after. I wanted to be ready to date again, i thought and hoped i was, but i wasn't ready and lost control over it and after a bad news from work, i ended up having s. for the wrong reason and escape from the disappointment at work that i had that day and because i was lonely and i felt that guy was going to comfort me and cuddle me and i started to like him a lot. you know when you are ready i think, if you really think about it and take it slow when you start re-dating . rebooting from pmo requires effort, you have to be ready for it, every day you don't relapse is a gift, and it gets easier and easier and you see benefits
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.
  4. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    I'd say. . . what do you want? Is it your life or someone else's life? I think you WANT to date. Otherwise you wouldn't be Mindy you'd be someone else. As long as you keep the nofap challenge going I don't see it as an issue.
     
  5. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Because of the inevitable dating culture that comes with being Mormon, I’ll probably continue going on casual dates when asked, but I’ve decided I can’t pursue anything serious at this point. I need time to get things in order. I’ll reevaluate after I’ve hit 30 days. Thanks for the suggestions!
     
  6. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Not necessarily, but it can definitely make it more challenging.
     

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