Dating on Hard Mode For 9 Months

Hi. This is hard question. Honestly - for me it seems to be far beyond reasonable amount of time. Im not a specialist about retention, but it helps turn sexual energy into other aspects of life - to be more productive, present, increase stamina etc... You can check forum "Abstinence, Retention, and Sexual Transmutation", guys discuss the benefits there all the time :-D

But my suggestion is to discuss it with your partner. IMHO set up and understand each others goals is crucial in this case. Not just the obvious goals (90 days hard-mode), but the real ones (like some specific health, physic or relationship goals).

Does he wants some "superpowers", or healthy relationship? And what if he achieves it? More 9 months? Reboot is one thing, but at some point you have to set up some sustainable lifestyle. Discuss how your (love)life should work on daily basis.

And maybe the most important part - talk about your feelings. He asks you for support, but you need some support too. And from what you wrote you maybe need it more than him. You have depression, anxiety, low self esteem etc... Why is that? Do you feel loved and supported? Tell him how you feel, and what you want. Ask him what he wants and find some way that work well for both.

P.S. And set up some ways how to work on your relationship and intimacy while abstaining. Even when you abstain you should spend some quality time together. Go for a walk, have a dinner with candles, stare in others eyes, cuddle...

 

How long?

Why does he want to do this? If he's clean from porn for "a long time" it sounds like his reboot is working fine without going hard-mode (i.e. adding "no orgasms" to the goals). I would talk to him and try to gently get to the bottom of what benefit he is after. Perhaps he is finding it harder to stay porn-free than he is letting on, perhaps he has relapsed?

Does he post here?

 

I'm glad to hear that you guys communicate well and discuss things. It's very important in relationship. It's true, that orgasm can be exhausting and took away part of our drive. But maybe it does not always have to be true. Try to discuss some techniques like Injaculation or Tantric sex which could help you have more beneficial and satysfying sex life.

It may not be really suitable for someone who recover from PMO, but i guess it worth to at least open this subject.

From my experiences sex can be nice and beneficial when its gentle and intimate with no focus to climax, and also can be draining and exhausting when its driven only by lust.

Good luck you guys

 

This sounds ridiculous to me. His goals for his own recovery are fine and valid, but he shouldn't be trying to push them on to you too. If he wants to abstain from O, you two can practise Karezza sex together and he can (and should) be more than happy to pleasure you to O in other ways

 

And there is no shame in needing that! If you are not an addict yourself and enjoy intimacy, physical closeness and sexual pleasure - that is your right and no one should try to deny you of that, regardless of their own recovery. There are ways around all this that mean you can both get what you want. You only live once!

 

Yes I agree it would have a negative impact. An important aspect of relationships is that your sexual needs are being met by your partner. This of course is one of the many reasons why porn is so devastating to relationships. But equally he cannot suggest that you go without because he is doing a specific amount of recovery for any length of time. That just isn't fair or appropriate - he is the addict here, not you, and you should not be denied your sexual needs while he abstains. All this will lead to is you feeling resentment, sexual frustration, an (unhealthy) lack of intimacy and it also puts you at risk of developing your own masturbation habits to fill the void.