Dating websites: good or bad?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by ZenPhysics, Feb 8, 2017.

  1. ZenPhysics

    ZenPhysics Fapstronaut

    So I was talking on the phone with an elder friend, and he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I explained my current situation: there are barely any girls in my department at university, and although I'm in a sports team where there are slightly more girls, dating within that community is implicitly frowned upon, and not something I want to take the risk for.

    Then my friend strongly recommended using an online dating website(similar to Tinder and relatively popular). At the time I laughed off the idea, saying I wasn't feeling too desperate. I also feel like I haven't recovered enough to start seeing girls with confidence, let alone those I initially meet online.

    But now I've started to wonder. It could provide me with opportunities to socialize with girls or even find a partner, when the time comes. Given the environment I'm in(I'll probably be here for at least 3,4 more years), would it hurt to stop hoping for something to happen and try a different method of talking to women? I haven't had any experience with online dating(and in general), so advice/opinions would help a lot, thanks.
  2. SupBruh

    SupBruh Fapstronaut

    Photo of you with a dog

    Photo of you showing your body

    Photo of you doing something cool

    If you're conventionally attractive, and have the above, you're set.
  3. LoyalKnight

    LoyalKnight Fapstronaut

    You have to be careful. I tried out dating apps and it led me to relapse in the past - they just can be as porn. That was 3-4 months ago. On the other hand, if you have recovered enough, it would be safe to use them I'd say. You have to be careful: Dating apps can end up in addiction as well. I would limit my goals if I were you: Use it max. 30 minutes a day (and never in the toilet) If it is tinder, be careful, some pictures may lead to heavy urges. But that depends from person to person - some get triggered but that kind of stuff and others are solid as rock against that.

    TLDR: Go for it, but limit yourself. Do not exceed more than 30mins a day (that may even be too much) in these apps.
  4. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

    I met my GF through online dating. It does work, and if your curious, there is no reason not to try it. (Its my understanding that at least in the USA, 1 in 3 relationships start with online dating, and that number is rising. It's just something that has become socially accepted, and all kinds of people can try.) I felt good about the process, but... there is work to be done.

    (I haven't done tinder, so it's possible others can answer exactly to that. I'm also 42, and was looking for a relationship. I've been told that different ages have different experiences, and naturally, some people it just comes easier to than others. )

    Here is what to expect:

    I thought re-entering the dating community after 17 years of being in a marriage, that 'finding dates' would be easy. I figured that in my age, that people I might want to meet would be more open and probably easier to get to go out. I also thought based on what I heard about 'people hooking up online', that if I wanted it, non-commited sex shouldn't be hard to find. The truth is that there are no easy parts. That's not to discourage you, as you can eventually find whatever you are looking for, but be prepared that it won't come as quickly or effortlessly as making a decision to look.

    With that, in online dating, you will need pictures of yourself. Its best if they are current and honest about who you are, One should be head shot (many women connect with your eyes, smile, or even your beard), and the others showing you entirely entirely. Results are better if they show you out doing something you're passionate about, and out engaging in life.
    (after that different sites have different steps to create a profile. Some sites are free, some require money)

    You will begin your dating, by being presented a list of women's pictures. You will have to select ones that seem to interest you. While different sites have different steps to 'like', 'wink', whatever, the only real way to begin the process of connecting with this person is by sending them a message. What you send is entirely up to you, but keep it short. And despite what alot of women say in their profiles, it doesn't have to be that original. Still if your comment about what they are doing in the photo or about something in their biography as being a common interest, it at least shows you took the time to care. Your message should be short with more than one word, but no more than 3 or 4 lines.

    (Here's where the hard part comes in)

    Most women won't respond. (Repeating, MOST won't respond). What do I mean 'most'? You are actually doing exceptionally well if 1 in 10 answer back. (depends on what age you are dating, where, etc.) But most of us felt we were being successful with 1 in 20. This number is greatly altered by how much care you spent in selecting each picture. (Most of us eventually try more people with less concern over details, to see what happens, which will lower the number)

    Don't let that discourage you. There are many reasons this happens.

    - All dating sites have a level of fraud going on to lure you into using their site. That means that without doubt some of the women you see aren't real, or aren't members. (Don't let that cause you grief, it's just a reality that you need to accept as part of the online dating world, and it's native to all dating business)

    - Many of the women aren't online. They are actually inactive users, or don't frequent the site. (It's work for them too, so they don't feel like engaging in it without breaks)

    - You are one of dozens of men that are messaging them. There are many men that have no manners, or get a thrill in messaging women with rude comments. It's not obvious if these guys think such a shocking opening will lead to casual non-commited sex, or they they are just stupid, rude, or insane. (Some of my female friends have shown to me some of these. A very common one is the guy, with no introduction, sends a dick pic. One girl got a message, and this was the first message from a stranger "You would choke on the size of my dick".) The point is that while it's work for you to send messages, it's also work from women to read them as they are exhausting, disappointing, sometimes threatening or abusive.

    Whatever the reason, you have to keep the right mindset. It's not how many you try to message, and how many answer. It's just about connecting with people, and it only takes 'one' true success. With that, you have to make reviewing the site, and messaging a daily ritual, without spending too much time there (no more than an hour). While I will continue to talk about what number to expect, don't count. It's not healthy, and the process isn't one where the number is actually the same or constant to each persons experience.

    Not everyone that answers is actually ready to go on a date. Some are like yourself and just unsure, and can't get to that place. Others just wanted the attention. You're also not the only one they answered back to. (Don't let the concept make you feel like they aren't committing. You have every right to talk with more than one woman.). Most would advise that you keep the conversation shorter, and keep a meeting as a rather quick goal. It doesn't have to be in your first message to them, but by the 3rd or 4th message you should be getting there. (Out of the 1 in 20 you might have respond, I found that only half lead to a date).

    This next part is a bit hurtful, but also something that you will need to know.....You might be 'ghosted'. So in conversation, or even real dating, the person you might be dating might not have felt strongly. It's also that another priority came up (work, family, whatever). Or it's possible another dating person came into their life. For whatever reason, they were too polite, or unsure of themselves to say that to you, and 'poof' they vanish, stop talking to you, and actively avoid your calls. You have been ghosted.

    Once you are on the date, things should move pretty naturally. I actually found this part easier. You will quickly figure out if there is any physical attraction (first 30 seconds), and the rest of the time spent in figuring out if you connect with them as a person. Don't be shocked in that your idea of who they were online is nothing like you see them in the real life. (sometimes this because you wanted them to be something, other times, because they were hiding what were) Your first meeting should be that, just a meeting. She owes you nothing, and you owe her nothing. You have to be completely comfortable that this is a human being, and that you may not feel anything for her, or that she isn't feeling anything to you. Be polite, but if you are ever in a abusive or grossly uncomfortable position, leave in 15 minutes, or in worse case, walk out. (I've never had that circumstance, but it can happen to women a lot, in any case, it's important to mentally give yourself permission to value yourself enough to not put up with something from a stranger that doesn't feel right). It's also important as a guy to realize that is a two way street. (Your post doesn't sound like you think this way, but there are some that think if they bought dinner the girl is obligated to stay, or even worse 'put out'.) Again, she owes you nothing.

    (The rest you just have to feel your way through, when it works, it works. Don't feel like judgement has been passed down on your worth when it doesn't.)

    I hope all of this doesn't overwhelm you, or leave you discouraged. As you mention in your post, about your situation being fluid in 3 to 4 years, it's important to feel this is a journey, and no one event shapes. I greatly enjoyed it, and I felt for every time I tried something, it was a learning experience and not a judgement of my 'desirability'. I won't say there wasn't confusion at times, I had 3 or 4 dates where I felt nothing for the lady, and it seemed obvious she felt nothing for me. Take your time, and realize that connecting with people gets easier the more you do it, and trust when a connection is there, it just is, and you don't have to struggle to make it happen.
    Knight1st and Beingpure like this.
  5. As long as you understand online dating is very competitive and don't take it to heart that many girls won't message back then online dating is a super tool.

    Just be patient and don't be put off if results are not instant. Hang on in.and the rewards will come.
    ZenPhysics likes this.
  6. ZenPhysics

    ZenPhysics Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the advice :)

    the pics I have of myself are mostly weird faces that I randomly send to certain friends, and all I wear these days are tracksuits and I guess I'll need to work more on my conventional attractiveness lol.
    Knight1st likes this.
  7. ZenPhysics

    ZenPhysics Fapstronaut

    Thanks, the fact that online dating might become a new addiction was exactly one of my worries. If I start using it now, I'll probably spend too much time on it, as a substitute of devouring P. But I'll definitely give it a try once I become more disciplined.
  8. ZenPhysics

    ZenPhysics Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for the detailed guide(I'll be reading this back in the future for sure). Not only am I not used to being rejected(since I rarely take any risks), but I tend to act too polite/nice toward others, so OD will surely be a challenge, one I'm willing to take once I'm clean enough.
  9. SupBruh

    SupBruh Fapstronaut

    Lol, what I meant by that is that if you're attractive (face-wise) to most women, you're set - the pictures I mentioned are just easy to take and most girls will like at least one photo. Tracksuits and hoodies aren't the best choice, but still fine... Overall online dating is a pretty accurate (and somewhat brutal) gauge in terms of how handsome you are.

    Another thing I'd say is too keep your conversations short, as mentioned here. At best, it should be used to set up a time and a place. Most girls get a ton of "Hey, how are you" and they can't be bothered making the same small talk again and again (unless, of course, the guy is really good-looking).
    ZenPhysics likes this.
  10. Taylor25

    Taylor25 Fapstronaut

    Well, that dating website OP is talking about?
  11. ZenPhysics

    ZenPhysics Fapstronaut

    Oh, it's a Japanese website(I'm Japanese) called "Pairs". It's known to have relatively less fake female users and more women seeking a LTR. You "like" someone, they "like" you, then you're "matched" with the girl, the catch is that you have to pay to unlock the ability to talk. Totally free for women by the way(is that how it is with Tinder?).
  12. LoyalKnight

    LoyalKnight Fapstronaut

    Sounds like a good plan. Get your brain re-wired, more disciplined and then start using it. Also set up a strict timetable when you use it. I per say, want to use dating apps when I get more disciplined, and if I use them, then only max. 10-20 mins a day PLUS only if I have done all of the other tasks I had to do. If not, then I'll skip it. You should not expect to get a GF through there, it might be a long search. But you should still use chances that you get IRL to talk to girls.
  13. SupBruh

    SupBruh Fapstronaut

    Well that doesn't sound too good. I used to work at a website like that - most female profiles were actually men (since you had a rate going whenever you were in chat) and even the real women would be there to swindle the guys for presents and whatnot. If you have (or had) a ton of women messaging you all of a sudden, then there's a pretty good chance it's a scam.

    The idea behind a paywall makes sense, of course (there's a lot more men looking to find a date online than women), but easy to exploit. With Tinder, you can upgrade to have the ability to swipe (i.e. like) indefinitely and there are theories that the matching algorithm will work in your favor if you do, but it still works for free.
    PostiveChange1974 and ZenPhysics like this.
  14. Gucci Gang

    Gucci Gang Fapstronaut

    Basically every single person on Online

    This 75% of them

    Then some 4s and 5s that are nowhere near my type that would never get me hard

    Then at most like one 6/10

    Out of 100 girls

    But she has super high standards

    Is super picky

    Is already fucking 20

    Good Looking, Tall, Buff, Tyrones, Juans, and Chads

    The best looking tallest buffest guys of that site

    And she's like 20 miles away half the time

    Completely useless

    Unless you are a Male Model

    +6ft Height, +8/10 Face

    Useless and Garbage as fuck...

    Never do online dating unless you meet those standards.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2017
  15. Rigel7

    Rigel7 Fapstronaut

    I don't think the OP is still in school and, judging from your profile, you're only 16. I think you're a bit too young to be on these dating sites mate.
  16. Gucci Gang

    Gucci Gang Fapstronaut

    Okay, And that had to do with what???
  17. Rigel7

    Rigel7 Fapstronaut

    You posted a really negative rant about online dating, but I felt it right to point out that you, being 16, are not the intended demographic for dating websites and hence, I wanted to illuminate that fact.

    Also, 'bitches' being "already fucking 20" is the most hilariously stupid reason I've heard someone give for why online dating is terrible. Face the facts: online dating is supposed to be for adults. Come back when you're at least 18.
  18. Bewildered

    Bewildered New Fapstronaut

    I would avoid Tinder...from what I've heard, it is not for long term dating, or finding a significant other. I would suggest Match or eHarmony. ...and be prepared that people don't often contact you back. The advice the others have shared sounds pretty spot on! Good luck to you when you feel up to it!
    Rigel7 likes this.

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