Day 1: My Story (PMO and Weed)

I'm 23 years old, almost 24 and I've been watching porn since I was 15 years old. What started out as an innocent infatuation with lesbian porn spiraled into some weird shit.
I have tried to quit a few times with no success. I did hardcore rebooting for 3 months at a time multiple times through high school/varsity but every time I had a moment of weakness and relapsed I said fuck it and indulged even more almost like I had given up. Literally every time I was sad or feeling low i'd watch porn, when I was
This thing called porn has done so much damage in my life as young as I am and I could never see what was going on until my moment of clarity when I hit rock bottom last week.
In junior high school I was in boarding school and had virtually no access to porn. I had four girlfriends throughout my time there and had some of the times of my life as well as made friends for life. I then joined senior high school as a day scholar and commuted to school from home every day so I had access to porn throughout. I never had any girlfriends in senior high or intimate relationships with any girls. Also I didnt make any Real lasting friends for life. Coincidence? I think not.
I joined varsity in a new country and as such I didn't watch porn for the first few months being in a different environment and so on. I enjoyed orientation and all and for about two months everything was looking good esp with regard to girls. Had a few girls interested in me etc then one day studying or surfing the net I had this urge to watch some porn as if it was an itch. Knowing full well how detrimental it would be I watched it and my life unraveled again. We'd go out to clubs as freshmen and since I was shy or couldn't approach women as well I thought I could I always ended up disappointed and go back home jack off and pass out. The porn affected my studies as well and I fell off the pace and dropped out of university along the way. I had to go back to my home country and start varsity afresh.
During my time in varsity abroad toward the end of my second year I picked up a weed habit with two of my best friends. We would smoke for hours on end having deep conversations about our lives, present, past, and hopes for the future. We'd listen to music and get new revelations from many different songs on youtube. When you first start taking weed its like the most magical revelation ever, till you get hooked.
So I went home with two addictions that I didn't feel were serious at this point. Things I could easily kick or quit when I wanted. I enjoyed smoking weed and I felt that it was a matter of time before I quit porn for good. Two years later now I regret how much of my life i've wasted with both. I would smoke weed(mostly alone), get high as fuck and then watch porn. Its a hell of a combination that makes everything so intense(dopamine from smoking weed + dopamine from watching porn). I've been a regular smoker for two years straight smoking everyday. I've tried to quit weed a few times along the way. The side effects are terrible: night sweats(literally wake up freezing from a drenched shirt), weird vivid dreams, irritability, depersonalization(you feel as if you are a passenger in your body and not fully yourself, you lack empathy, and almost feel no emotion, also you carry this hazy feeling in your head), and depressive days(some really low days where you feel almost paralyzed). After finishing a bag of weed i'd promise myself to quit completely but I would smoke again to alleviate the side effects and feel happy again.
These two addictions together have almost gotten the better of me especially this past year. I've wasted quite a lot of my potential. In my bubble of addiction I didn't realize how many friends have been drifting away(good ones at that), missed business opportunities, and deterioration of my confidence, self esteem, humor, health and personality. Last week I hit rock bottom. For the most part of 2017 i've been letting my life pass me by as the days go, sitting around smoking weed with my neighbour and gaming till evening after which i'd watch porn till late at night looking for the perfect video then watch a series or show finally fall asleep and wake up at 10 a.m the next day and repeat. The weekends would be different. I'd either be home alone feeling lonely and depressed or i'd be out getting fucking hammered on booze till I don't remember anything(the only way I can overcome my social anxiety and ability to flirt).
I've been disappearing home for days at a time getting drunk off my tits come home with bruises from falling over, etc, my porn addiction going strong and my weed habit also strong as ever. I've lost about 3 phones in a space of three months all while drunk, realized I'm 23 living in my parents house with no steady source of income(none at all for most months), and no college degree(meanwhile my best friend has a maters degree), and my father threatened not to pay the remainder of my degree cause I stole some of his wine to get loaded.
I'm at rock bottom right now. Yesterday was one of the worst days, I was severely depressed the whole day to the point I couldn't walk, sleep, stand still, anything I tried to focus on was almost impossible. So enough is enough for me. This morning I feel better and more positive. This time i'm kicking my porn, weed, and alcohol habit(I'm not an alcoholic but i'm giving alcohol up for now till i'm happy with my life. Its something that took years to get hardwired into my brain and will take months to rid myself of. But i'm ready to get my life back on track. So today is day one and i'm looking forward to day 30, day 60, day 90, 6 months, 1 year, and so on. I'm so grateful for this community.

 

Thanks

 

Thanks for the welcome. Well for now I don't have any real urges since its day 1 but I know they'll come. When that happens I think the important thing for me is to remember the bigger picture and how a few seconds of gratification from PMO can be detrimental to my personal goals including a healthy sex life for when I settle down

 

On it. Thanks for this