Day 1, Rebooting

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by HellComestoFrogtown, May 1, 2020.

  1. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone,

    This is my first time attempting to reboot with the help of this community. I’m not expecting anyone to respond to this (although please, feel free), I just wanted to officially declare my intention in the forum as an added form of protection against relapse.

    I’m thirty-six years old and have been masturbating since I was fourteen. Even as a teenager I felt like I was addicted, using masturbation as not only a sexual release — something I feel is very normal and even healthy for a young, hormonally-beset individual — but as a salve against the anxiety I was experiencing. I am currently in recovery for drugs and alcohol and have been sober for over seven years.

    The idea of quitting yet another thing is daunting (I have been free of coffee and cigarettes for years as well, not to mention many intense, dietary restrictions). I have tried on my own to quit previously and have failed again and again. At one point, I successfully quit commercial porn for over four years. When I tried to eliminate masturbating as well, I found it all but impossible. I would get desperate after a week, then find a girl to get off with, which was not sustainable (or ethical, considering that the women’s feelings were a secondary consideration). While off of porn, I would masturbate regularly (1-2 times a day), often using pictures sent to me by women from dating apps. Strangely, even my real-life sexual encounters often involved manual self-stimulation. After years or promiscuity (with limited success) I now have an STD.

    Lucky me, I also have a wonderful, lovely girlfriend (I disclosed my STD on our first night), and we have a really good sex life. Her appearance is very much like that of some of the pornstars I would view, and so it might seem like the need for masturbation was eliminated. But I never stopped. I found/find myself missing the thrill of new sex partners and have gone back and forth with porn throughout our relationship.

    I want to quit PMO for several reasons:

    1) It creates tremendous anxiety.

    2) It it antithetical to the health of my relationship with my girlfriend.

    3) It dulls my enjoyment of real activities, like movies and music.

    4) It diminishes my enjoyment of actual sex.

    I am tired of going around in circles. Whenever I use porn, I end up doing so on a regular, daily basis until I forcibly stop myself. I then masturbate using my imagination, which eventually leads me back to porn. Porn feels very much like a drug (trust me, I’ve done plenty), and that is disturbing to me. Were I single, I think that finding a way to masturbate without pornography as an occasional, sexual release would be appropriate. Perhaps I am so addicted that it would be impossible. Either way, I am in a healthy, loving relationship that shows no signs of ending (we are both planning on getting married eventually) and, therefore, I see no reason to continue masturbating.
     
    DethGrunty, Imalmosthappy and Sjors like this.
  2. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    I guess I will just reply to my own post as a way of keeping myself accountable. Today is Day 2. As is typical when I stop porn (at first), I feel fine. I am trying to prepare mentally for the intense cravings I know are coming down the pike. I’ve been feeling irritable and aggressive. This last relapse was only two days. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.
     
    DethGrunty and Sjors like this.
  3. PopularLoner

    PopularLoner Fapstronaut

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    First of all welcome. You are not alone in this you know all the bad now do this for the right reasons don't count the days just take it one day at a time. Good luck on your journey man.
     
  4. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    A wife here reading stories to show my husband. He's laying on the couch reading Your Brain On Porn book.
    Just wanted you to know I wish you and your gf happiness and no porn!
     
  5. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the encouragement. Day counting really helped me quite a bit with drugs/alcohol, so I think I’m going to stick with what has worked. I’ve heard that day counting can feel daunting for some people, but it’s helped me quit things in the past. Appreciate the support!
     
  6. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much! It sounds like you have a very honest and courageous husband. Best of luck to you two as he embarks on this journey.
     
  7. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    He's being honest now. This is my 2nd trip here. First one back in2016.
    Thanks.
     
    HellComestoFrogtown likes this.
  8. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    I’m just starting Day 4. So far, no major temptation and a lot of positive feelings.
     
  9. ayanaambe115

    ayanaambe115 Fapstronaut

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    And today must be 4. Streaks kept ?
    surly I guess
     
    HellComestoFrogtown likes this.
  10. mzxc495

    mzxc495 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck on your journey. Now that you aware the damage its caused you've had your first victory.
     
    HellComestoFrogtown likes this.
  11. Sjors

    Sjors Fapstronaut

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    Good luck on your journey, I can relate to many things in your story.
    My primary goal too is to get rid of the intense anxiety and loss of enjoyment in music and other activities. P simply makes everything so dull. I also try to ’mentalize’ myself for the coming cravings... like someone else here replied.

    I’m also new here. Day counting is something I’m also going to apply. As well as keeping a paper in my pocket reminding me of the goals and a journal on how i felt when rebooting.

    My first day into reboot today, I felt horrible. So much anxiety, not even funny anymore. I exercise regulary and eat healthy, but no enjoyment. I had some serious relapses where I would M twice in one night and then the morning after too. Outcome was always the same. Lots of shame, guilt and depression even suicidal...

    I want to bear that in mind when i feel the craving, but most importantly the promise of change for the better. So much to gain.

    -no more anxiety
    -more energy
    -more creativity
    -more feeling of self worth
    -clear sharp wits
    -recapturing enjoyment in every aspect of life
    -spirituality

    We can do this. What iI’ve also did is recognize the triggers. For me those are; feeling worthless / unhappy sad / anger / just one peek...

    When I’m like 4 - 5 days in I get urges / cravings and they seem impossible to escape from. But I managed to conquor them too via going outside and biking or just walk. Reading and meditation. It can be done. I’m confident today. My first day is done!

    as to HellComestoFrogTown, lots of good luck wished! We can do this.
     
    HellComestoFrogtown likes this.
  12. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for the well wishes! Best of luck to you as well. Today is Day 5 and the urges are certainly starting to come. But as the saying goes “this too shall pass”. I’ve been noticing some aggression popping up in general. I wish I could go to the gym, but everything is closed due to the coronavirus. I’m so happy to have this online support community with people like you that are honest and striving hard to improve themselves. Thanks for reaching out!
     
  13. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Day 6 is here and the sex dreams have begun. Interestingly, I’ve also noticed a sense of discontent for my girlfriend. The reality is, I’m very happy with her, but whatever lust I have been cultivating inside of me seems it will never be satisfied with a single partner. It feels like because self-stimulation is now forbidden, it wants me to go out and live my fantasies. Last night I had a series of cheating dreams (for purposes of clarification: I would NEVER actually cheat). The funny thing was, the dreams centered less around sex, and more around the feeling of finding something better or new. Anyway, the fact that I am experiencing feelings this strange is a testament to the significance of seriousness.
     
  14. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Day 7! I slept weird last night, and wonder if it isn’t a response to losing the late-night dopamine fix I’ve grown accustomed to. Otherwise, feeling pretty good.
     
  15. swissarmyknight

    swissarmyknight Fapstronaut

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    I find your enthusiasm inspiring. I haven't posted in quite a while because I get really bogged down by some of the negativity on here. That accompanied with my severe depression and anxiety has scared me away many times.

    Keep up the good work, man. Remember that you're lucky to be with a woman that cares about you enough to devote her life to you. Maybe that could help when you feel triggered or in that state of discontent. I dunno, just a thought.
     
    HellComestoFrogtown likes this.
  16. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your kind words. I too have struggled with anxiety and depression for a most of my life. I am very blessed to have such an amazing girlfriend. I’m also blessed to have this great community that is willing to support me. Here I am, Day 8. Starting to get some irritability/glumness, but oh well. Whatever it takes to get through this.

    Btw, I have found The Linden Method to be extremely effective for reducing my anxiety. It’s totally drug free. Very simple. Not easy, but simple. If you’re still feeling anxious, I highly recommend it. Thanks again, for the encouragement.
     
  17. Sjors

    Sjors Fapstronaut

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    like getting angry when things don’t go right? If so, what I noticed with myself is. The longer we abstain the more energy we get. This energy wants to be channelled into something. I take long walks or bikerides. Usually pretty early in the morning and late in evening. I also watch my foodintake well. Not eating alot of meat has done me good and ginger tea.

    Also when we all abstain for so long we get so much new inspiration and motivation to do new things or improve on other things. More exercise more cleaning. I tend to raise the bar alot. Key is just keep doing what you’re doing and introduce new good habits very slowly. Otherwise you get frustrated and angry in the end.
     
    HellComestoFrogtown likes this.
  18. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    I’ve been irritable with little annoyances (on quarantine there isn’t too much intrusive or unexpected to get aggravated by haha). I am lower energy lately, largely because I haven’t been sleeping properly. This is now Day 9, and I slept like a rock last night... once I managed to actually get to sleep.
     
  19. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Day 10, I’ve made it to double digits. Yesterday was an intense day; I haven’t been sleeping well, and the exhaustion, anxiety and strange cognitive sensations I assume are concomitant with rebooting made me feel extremely out of sorts. Anyway, I was relatively productive. I went to sleep earlier than usual and slept unbelievably deeply. I’m hoping that becomes a regular part of my life as I continue abstaining from masturbation and porn.
     
  20. HellComestoFrogtown

    HellComestoFrogtown Fapstronaut

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    Day 11. Not much to report other than occasional, manageable porn/masturbation urges. Well, that and I’m starting to feel happier. I actually caught myself laughing today. It felt great.
     

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