Day 108. Healed? Maybe. Feel like sharing stuff with you guys..

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Nico1234, Feb 26, 2015.

  1. Nico1234

    Nico1234 Fapstronaut

    Whoa. There is so much going through my mind ATM about Nofap and its benefits, and more precisely the way it affects our behavior and sel-perception.

    My story

    I'm a 20 yo male from Belgium.
    I found out about porn pretty much like every other kid nowadays. a friend shows you something, sends you a vid, pics or anything, and boom you're hooked.
    Started watching at around 12; PMO around 13. Everything went crescendo from then, especially after I had my first sexual experience at 14 (too young)... I didn't really love that girl and she was not really my type, but I just wanted to know how sex felt. Lame intercourse with a half hard-on ( was PIED already in?? I'll never know) plus the use of condom made it quite unnatural. I pretty much fucked this up and looking back now I can't believe my head was this full of shit!! I was definitely not 'making love'...whatever let's move on.

    I'm from quite a rich background and I am, to be fully honest, quite a handsome guy. I have mastered different languages and travelled around the world with my family during my early teen years. Many girls would notice me, but the porn would just make me completely lose interest. I thought 'they are not good enough' and never have i tried to connect with them, even simply 'spiritually' or having a pleasant conversation. I would see them as sexual objects.

    I had the cutest, sweetest girlfriend by the age of 16. She was sharing very intimate thougts and moments with me and there was a real connection. She wanted to wait for sex, for some reason I turned away from her at one point. just 'bored' . I thought "why can't she be like those insatiable sluts on the internet??"

    Still, I would probably have gone back to her or at least try to make things work out (especially when she ended up offering sex...) If I had not had a horrible snowboarding accident. It was me and a friend. The board's blade went right through my wrist and cut my artery, 5 tendons, and, more dramatically, my median nerve.
    After the scare of my life and almost dying, 8 hours of ambulance and waiting, I found myself at home, with my hand completely invalidated.

    This physical vulnerability cost me a lot, especially since most of my personality was built around strenght, agility, and sports. I could probably have becoma an athlete, and I was coming from 6 years of guitar lessons (my guitar hand was the injured) I lost confidence, I started keeping my hand in my pockets and rely on drugs (mainly alcohol and marijuana) sometimes mdma when hanging out with friends. my friends were, for the most, quite bad influences and didn't try bringing me up at all. I actually felt like most of them were happy this happened to me. A lot of jealousy had been going on beforehand, and obviously against my will. I just wish I could have loved and been loved :-( I felt as if my life was on 'pause'... therefore I was not looking for a parnter or anything, and kept pulling my dick to porn.

    during my 'healing' periodd my mom was very present and wanted to help me. She developed some kinf of 'mama bird' protective behavior and this disgusted me to the point of almost wanting to end my life. I felt disgusted to the guts. She would push me into activities or sometimes even making arrangements with my friends. She made me see a therapist because I was obviously a very disturbed young man. This therapist was not expermimented, and, female. (bear with me) She would also make me meet her female friends sometimes which I really didnt give a shit about. I was really not confident (probably because of the porn, any interaction with a woman made me uncomfortable and submissive)
    God, I hate to say this but I really wish she hadn't existed back then. She didn't want it but she destroyed me as a young man. I just want to say a big FUCK YOU AND LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M TAKING CARE OF MYSELF AND DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK IS GOOD FOR ME.

    Those interactions really biased my view on women and the porn didn't help at all.

    Meanwhile, school was going like shit. I didn't 'fail' any year, (maybe I should have???) But I was incredibly half-assed and and unproductive and procrastinating. Like, I was waaaaay under my full potential ( and guys, life is meant to be lived to the FULLEST of your potential. I will come to this later on.)

    My personality was really not much of a big deal. I was just some random jerk. My dad is a lovely person but he is not aggressive at all (by this I mean 'positive' aggressivity). I'm sorry to say this but he is quite a pussy. He is also very "play it safe" oriented and doesnt want to explore new things. (his brother drowned when he was young. maybe thats the cause, idk... ) his outlook on life was pretty numbing to the mind of a young boy. Also, we NEVER talked about women and my potential girlfriends or the ones he had in the past. I think he didnt have much before my mum. but let's talk about one person at a time. All I'm saying here is, I don't really see him as the mentor and a good example of a man with balls and a heart.

    Once they found a porn magazine in my room. They just said 'come on, this is not your age, you shouldn't look at this'. This was really a negative way of saying it because it just triggered my 'fuck you, I'll do what I want' attitude. After all, if porn is driving me up the fucking wall, why shouldn't I watch it? as long as I enjoy it, its fine. Boy, How wrong I was.


  2. Nico1234

    Nico1234 Fapstronaut


    OK, right now I'm just putting you into context, maybe this is not necessary but I guess it helps me to forget my shitty start in life as a young man.I write this shit down, then byebye.

    But wait - there's more. School finished and There came time for College. I had done a scientific high schoçol diploma, but for some reason I chose to go for a Journalism degree (wtf right?) Simply because it seemed easy. And it was, especially since I'm at ease with writing.
    boy those were some dark times. I got my own little apartment and it would be a daily festival of hitting the bong, watching series, getting smashed drunk, and basically being an overall piece of trash. I wasnt doing any kind of sports whatsoever. Eating like crap. I even stole a bicycle once. Like, wtf is wrong with me?? what am I trying to prove here? why am i doing this? I also had to go to the police for a drug search. I remember getting the call from my grandpa, which was the only family I had near college back then. This was horrible since he was actually the only true father figure I had. He didnt get angry with me because he was sick of heart. I think he was just deeply, deeply disappointed by me. (fucking tears right now.)

    I fucked up the college year and wanted to take a step back as I felt like my life is going nowhere. But, as if thing were not shit already, here comes my super-mom!!!! Long -story short, she emotionally tricked me into passing my exams during the summer 'last chance'. Just so she could tell her other female friends "look at me! My son is successfull! he is going through his first year of university on the first shot! woohoo I'm a great mom! I was already pretty hurt by the year and a step back with my family was probably what I needed. whatever. I spent the whole summer closed inside my grandmas house, (but both grandparents were on holiday) studying philosophy, litterature and stuff about which i DONT GIVE A SHIT. (should I mention my family was taking trips all over europe at the beach etc)

    This was my darkest point so far. I was phisically sick and lost some weight, and also I was getting seriously psychologically damaged. I could have committed suicide very likely. Life had no meaning. why was I on earth. Why don't I deserve to be happy. All I have is porn. I don't deserve better anyway cuz I'm a piece of shit. blah, blah, blah...

    Looking back at this I can't believe how immature my behavior was.

    By some miracle I passed my exams with the help of Ritalin, medicinal amphetamines which kinda fucked me up.

    At the end of this, I came back home and everyone wanted to celebrate. COme on son, aren't you proud? -Nah, fuck off... and stop telling me about your holiday.

    I was really, really hurt. confidence was close to 0. Life had no 'sparkle' and everything was painful, besides porn.

    Another year went by, and my shit habits were still here. I was still studying something which I wasnt interested in. Basically hate my family, Have no interest in friends, can't connect and bond with people. I had to have a surgery because I had shoulder instability. this was causing anxiety. The time for the operation came. For some reason, Grandpa died the same night. Boom. Everything is collapsing. why? why now? I wish you could have guided me. His heart basically busted out of anxiety. needless to say he was anxious for my incoming surgery. I drove to the hospital with my grandma and we basically watched him die. my heart was shattered at this precise moment. TO make things better, my mom arrived. she got all hyped up and basically went COMPLETELY mad and hysterical. (it was her dad) She was acting like a fucking walking disaster. and me too. For some reason, we decided I would still go to my surgery this same night because it was already booked. When I woke up from surgery, my grandpa was dead, everyone was heart broken and I was deeply invalidated and in pain for my shoulder, and my ***** mom was here to, let's be honest, even if it wasnt her intention. bring me down like mad. she treated me like a poor- injured little boy who is a bit lost in his mind and doesnt really know what he wants. She insisted on me giving a speech at my grandpas funeral even though i didnt necessarily wish for it. everything was disastrous.
    I went hard on xanax and basically wanted to disappear. I spent the rest of the year living as half a man. drugs, alcohol, porn, no confidence, physical vulnerability and My spirit was slowly closing down. I felt as if I was an old man at the end of his life even thouth I WAS FUCKING 19.
    my grandpas death really affected me. my grades fell off completely.

    At this point, we decided to give it a break and just let me 'heal' physically and emotionally. SO I spent summer with my family, pretty light-minded and with lame distractions. I was slowly healing but the core problem, my outlook on life, was not fixed at all.

    Then I went back to COllege, still studying the same shit in the same year.
    Take care of grandma. same people, same classes, same habits, same porn. I managed to get 2 different girls in my bed. absolutely no erection and anxiety was through the roof.

    Then it hit me.

    If I ever want to achieve anything good in life, I have to stand up for myself.
    I have to quit porn if I want a meaningful relationship.
    It's time to stop living like a fucking rat.
    I'm responsible for all the shit I am going through.
    I am the master of my destiny.
    I have to stop numbing my potential and finally live to the fullest.

    I have made the decision to give much less importance to what my mum says and thinks. I barely acknowledge her. I only have serious conversations with my sister.

    I said fuck everyting, fuck everyone. I quit muy colege degree and I am now studying agronomical engineering. its much harder, but its much more of a challenge and it's what I'm really interested in.
    I'm not in contact with any of my old friends, but I'm trying hard to get to know new people.
    It takes time and work to develop a positive and aggressive, uplifting beahviour but nofap has deeply helped me with this. confidence is rising. voice is clearer and deeper. brain fog is out. sometimes even feels like I HAVEN'T lived for the past 7 years.

    I don't look back anymore. I actually wrote all my life down so I can burn it and forget it. It's time to write a new one.

    I want to start a new life and become a much better person. I want meaningful relationships, healthy and balanced sex, I want to succeed in everyting I do, whether it's college, relationships, friends, physical health; any kind of stuff.

    My outlook on life is much different. I live day-to-day. I avoid drama. I try to be childish and laugh as much as possible. I'm working out, taking climbing classes and mountain-biking. Taking college as seriously as possible although it's not my priority right now, my priority is ME. The person I am evolving into and the neurological pathways I'm educating myself towards.

    Not touched a spliff or a beer since at least two months. I'm 108 days into nofap now and I finally start to see the changes in my body and mind. I look at women much more differently, and sometimes, when I don't agree with them, I let them know. I just tell they are wrong, I don't agree, go fuck yourslef. And most of times they respect you for or they get angry and then say they are sorry!!

    I notice much more the hands, eyes, and ENERGY of women. and God knows that's what's important.

    (BTW, all you guys writing, "Day 6 : My whole life has changed, I am superman thanks to nofap"...dude wtf? this takes time and dedication. It's a full-on spiritual and behavior transmutation. just because you kept your hands over your belt for x hours doesnt mean you're healed. however, keep going, you're on the right path.)

    NOFAP has not changed my life but ut has been a catalyst to a great change in habits. I would say it's the first step into respecting yourself as a brave young man, and accepting your past mistakes and believing in yourself.

    I also noticed that the way of life of young men nowadays is just disastrous. I'm starting to get much more aware of this. education never stops, the only difference is after some point you have to EDUCATE YOURSELF.

    We receive WAY TOO MUCH USELESS INFORMATION. Our brain has a limited computing capacity. so you better make every one of your neurons work for something thats FUCKING WORTH IT and useful.

    Think POSITIVE. Don't overthink through stupid stuff. follow your instincts. Erase your brain's hard-drive!!! Unlearn negative pathways! Stay sensitive, open-hearted and sincere! Be one with yourself.

    AS of today, this is all the advice I can think of.

    This is a very long post and if you got until the end, I want you to know that I love you and I believe in you. If you're feeling down or depressed, just accept it in the first place. Embrace it. Let the feelings come out. The SMACK THE SHIT out of your problems and insecurities. We all have a tremendous potential that shouldn't be wasted. we are the future of this society and we'd better make it magnificent or nothing. Have the guts to stand up for yourself. Never take no bullshit from anybody. Ignore the haters. Never look back. Live to your true inner self and educate yourself with an open mind an heart. Spread positive vibes and you will get them in return.


    P.S. I am more than willing to share with you guys. If I can be of any help, just contact me
    Saber_tooth7 likes this.
  3. Valiant

    Valiant Fapstronaut

    Very interested to hear the rest!!
  4. No fap for better life

    No fap for better life Fapstronaut

    Good story! looking forward to another part!
  5. Virtuose

    Virtuose Fapstronaut

  6. wonderful change from your past way of life ! Congrats bro ! You have got a very good family by most standards... nobody will be perfect or nobody can be exactly as we like them to be, your mom loves you so much, we should not expect our parents to understand us completely and be exactly as we like, mistakes will well be on our side also, respect and love your mom for what she is,... you will catapulted to even higher planes !! Take no offence, its a good wish for you...all the best.
  7. Nico1234

    Nico1234 Fapstronaut

    You are right... I cannot be stupid to the point of not forgiving her since we all make mistakes. I get that she wishes for my best interest. I just wish she could evolve but hey, I guess moms are moms. As you have pinpointed, I am quite lucky to even have a mom... so yeah...I guess best way to grow, evolve and move on is to forgive her. lover you mom. cheers ;)
  8. TheEjaculator23

    TheEjaculator23 Fapstronaut

  9. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Holy mother of life-story....
  10. Highlander

    Highlander Fapstronaut

    That was breath taking, seriously. It's awesome to see how you are climbing out the pit and overcoming all this shit. I feel happy for you, I really do.

    By reading this, I felt strongly motivated to move on, as you can see in my counter, I am just a crawling baby, but even being millions of miles away from you, I could felt the power and wisdom you acquired form your heavy fighting. And I also want this power and wisdom. Thanks for sharing it.

    I will come back to this post later, to make sure I will absorb everything I can. And I will contact you man, I am currently busy with some stuff but as soon as possible I will contact you NICO1234.

    Be sure of my admiration, and belief.

  11. Moxie

    Moxie Fapstronaut

    Such a great story. It inspired me to keep going.
  12. scottfree

    scottfree Fapstronaut

    Hey brother, Great, great story. And you are a good writer as well. I'd like to her more details. I think you have a story in the works. Fapstronauts WILL RISE. Love it. SF
  13. Leone

    Leone Fapstronaut

    It was a long story, and I would say well done for many things! But, talking that way about your family made me a little angry because family members care about us no matter what you might think. Moreover, some of us don't even have a mother, and I wish she was here two days ago on the seventh of March so that I could hug her so much. Hope you change that thought about your family man. I do understand though that, that age is difficult! God bless you on your journey.

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