Day 11: Thoughts About Porn & Fantasies

Since my journey started some 11 days ago, my desire to view porn has fallen exponentially. Before I started this, I probably watched about an hour a day and was unable to get off without it. That being said, something really changed for me while reading a post on Return Of Kings. Essentially, the post was about an ex porn star who had been with over 500 guys that decided to start a family with a “good guy” and have kids. She had no shame and a whole lot of excuses. That kid is going to have one hell of a time, especially considering that videos of his mother being gang banged are all over the web.

What if she was my mother? What if you were viewing pornography and saw your mother or sister being treated like that? What if everyone had seen the hundreds of videos of her acting like that?

I think one of the most damaging parts of pornography is that we fantasize about some really horrible things. Did I actually want to do those things to women? Absolutely not. In fact, when I would hear about it happening to a girl I knew, it would send me into a primal rage. I wanted to physically hurt the perpetrator. Yet, here I was, spending hundreds of hours a year fantasizing about doing the same things.

A while back, I talked to an ex of mine who was recently married – she found out that her husband had been part of running a train on a particular girl. My initial reaction was that of being disgusted, and sorrow for her choosing a guy that had been part of such depravity. Incidentally, group settings where there are multiple guys on a single woman was my favorite kind of porn. Talk about mental inconsistency. One part of me wanted to brutalize women, the other to protect them. Maybe my rational was that “porn isn't real,” but it is real – what you're watching actually happened to someone's mother or daughter.

I wasn't being honest with myself. I was two-faced. The weight of my sick fantasies spilled into my contacts with women on every level, especially when trying to get dates. In my head it was “Hey, I'm a good guy with my act mostly together, I'd make a great potential partner... who gets excited thinking about women getting sexually assaulted and treated like slaves.” I was ashamed of my fantasies to the place of feeling like I shouldn't even be trying to pick up women because of my toxicity.

Even now, I can hear my brain rationalizing, “So just don't think about horrible things. You can watch softcore and be fine.” Nope. Not according to science. As stated other places on this forum, your brain always wants something new, something more extreme. I started on softcore stuff. I've tried not going off the deep end, but once you're in that state of arousal, putting the brakes on is impossible. My father used to say, “if you play near the edge, you'll eventually fall off.” Edging, softcore, the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, some Facebook pages, ect. is playing near the edge for me. I might not immediately fall off and return to PMO, but in time, I most certainly would.

I've lived with enough shame. I'm sick of it. These last days have been mentally pleasant in that I have nothing to hide. It's easier to look my mother in the eyes when she talks to me. I don't feel shame when checking out women in real life. I'm becoming less of a monster every day.

 

It's interesting how things begin to change inside your mind as time goes on abstaining from PMO. I never spent much time thinking about the damage caused by those fantasies until I was clean. I worshipped at the church of PMO and refused to look at the realities of it.

I'm still dealing with strong desires to MO, but at least the P side is fading.

 

The fact that I can even talk about this is huge. In my past 28 years, this problem was so personal and of such a delicate nature that I kept it to myself. Maybe there really is something to confessing to your sins and putting it out in the open?

I've even been working on my friends to convert to the NoFap way of life. Now there's something I didn't think was possible 2 weeks ago!