Day 13: So Far So Good but Lethargic

Hi. I'm on day 13 now. This is my first post.
I've been PMOing since 15 years old. It has been 10 years now. Multiple trial and errors before. They varied between clean and relapse for 7, 10, 20, 21, 42 days. My best streak was 42 days. It was three years ago.
Anyway, that's not what I'm gonna talk about. I want to talk a little about the sleepiness and the lethargic feeling that I'm in for the past four days.
The good news is, I'm not seduced to open those filthy websites and "fun" forums to masturbate. It is 100 percent clean for me for the last 13 days. Hell, even I'm so mad when I accidentally scroll the sexy girls on instagram (this is the worst part of algorithm, they just don't change like that. It takes time). But I think right now I'm just being lucky. Before this, my brain just went balistic when I see those girls, whether accidental or intentional, I had no power to control my brain. If I count my trials and errors......I don't know. It feels like thousands of them, with varying degrees of brain modes, whether it is numb or energized or in between. For the case of PMO, I'm not really into the claims of those scientific and psychology articles that say PMO is fine, as long as you do it in moderation. For me, it is what it is. If I feel bad after PMO, then it means I just did so much wrong. Those scientific articles don't mean much to me. I think to some extent, some of them are very toxic for the people who try to be clean and normal again. But yes, after all, it depends on the person. I'm not trying to create a useless debate here.
The thing is, so far so good, although this quarantine period is so much hell. Yes I feel depressed. Yes I throw things when I'm at my worst. Yes I can't sleep well. Yes I become overly sensitive at everything. I'm still afraid if I choose to say that I have control over my brain. For the time being, I just let my brain do its works. It's more like I'm an airline pilot managing the autopilot of the aircraft. I still got some important works to do, but they don't really take so much energy. I'm watching and feeling what's happening with my brain, my body, then I try to make some ways out from the conclusion. The autopilot is still on, but the final decision is still in my hands, I fly and navigate the aircraft by my decisions. In short, I'm starting to get the grip of this rebooting process, even though failures are still around.
I'm not trying to give solutions since I only on Day 13. But here's my rough formula, especially these days, this quarantine decade.

1. I'm starting to understand that the more lethargic I become, the more I need to do some engaging activities. This is hard, I know. My formula is that I need to do something that require my mental capacity and my physical to do some work side by side. But don't let that activity take too much energy from you. You'll feel bad and more exhausted. Just make it balance. This is the tricky part. For me, I do some writing from the book that I read. I summarize and analye it. On a piece of paper. I prefer the old way of writing. The question is, what kind of books. For the time being, I'm reading a political-cultural books. Sounds heavy? Yes, it is. But once again, for me, I need some activity that engaging enough for me in order to get my brain running normally and can still do the rebooting by itself. In short, don't exhaust yourself, but don't let yourself too relax. This is really depends on the person. You have to know your capacity. But don't be afraid to take some experiments on the limits. I can say, it is really worth it.
2. As you know, we humans will feel tired and feel tedious when we do something long enough it makes us groggy and sleepy. Unfortunately, reading and writing are enough to make you feeling exhausted. So what's the solution? Maybe it's contrary to some people, but when I do feel tired or tedious, I change my task at hand. I try to read another book or articles! Yes of course it's still exhausting. Some can say that when you change your task, you give yourself permission to not actually pay attention and finish your current task. Once again, it depends on the person. I feel like that my attention span is short enough. In order to make it 'longer', more focused on the task at hand without getting myself mad at myself again and again, I train my brain to do more than one task (in this case, reading), but I try to read each book with longer duration. For example, I give myself 30 minutes on the first book. Then when 30 minutes come, I do the second book, but with longer duration. Let's say 45 minutes. That way, I can extend my focus incrementally. Do i fail? Hell yes! But like I said, it's worth it if you give yourself trials to check your limits.
3. The number three formula is really not for everyone. If you know flight simulator, then maybe you can understand more. I play flight simulator in my laptop. But I have to say, flight simulator saves my life! Sounds cliche, but hell I don't care. Learning airplanes, learning to fly, even just the basic, really give me the disciplines to think and to act. I know, it's only a simulator, and it's in personal computer. What I'm trying to say is that don't underestimate the power of giving yourself permission to try something, even though when that activity is not popular. I'm still wanting to become a pilot. To be more precise, a bush pilot. This quarantine period I use it to learn more about the basics of aviation. Not only learning by the books, I also 'fly' the aircraft, by that way I can release my energy and actually train what I just learn.

I understand, it's so hard. And my advices above, if you want to call it that one, is not for everyone. I know. I can't represent every struggles that I know from other people. One thing I know is that if you want to move your arm even if it's only 3 cm from your bed or cellphones or whatever it is, just do it. You'll be in more regrets if you don't give it a try. 1 cm at a time, it's okay. Learn it incrementally. It's hard. Yes of course. I had thousands of trials and errors. But I refuse to call myself weak. This life, is mystery, and misery. One thing that is so important to me is that, even though I'm not happy enough with where I'm belong now, I'm grateful that I'm not allowing myself to stop learning and doing things. It's cliche, but it's true. I'm not a fan of Elon Musk. But let's consider this. Even if, even if, Elon Musk is not happy with his achievements, at least, when he goes to bed, he can count his achievements of the day and the past, and call it a day. To me, happiness is not my main target. It's too abstract for me. I'm not John Lennon. I am myself. And I choose to make achievements to improve myself, even though if it's just via simulator and only writing the summarize of some books. That's all so far. I hope you find your power within you. When you think about power, don't think about the ultra-amazing things that you can achieve. Dream high is important of course. But what's more important, live your life, day by day, hour by hour. With that mindset, you can see more clearly. You're not burdened by the expectation of others and expectations from yourself. I still fail, but I refuse to call myself weak.