Day 28- Ditched PMO and Went Straight to the Chatrooms

I don't know whether this is the right place to post this, but fuck it. I originally got into PMO through roleplaying online (I was around 14) where I would lie about my age/gender to roleplay with older men and women. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, so I compulsively hid it from my parents.

I would jack off 3-5 times a day over these imaginary characters that I created for myself (mostly women) and I would be convinced that I was somehow 'in love' with the guy or woman that I was roleplaying with. I never knew what you did in a relationship because my parent's relationship was so shitty. They would argue everyday, mum would self-harm, dad would drink and jerk himself stupid etc.

Therefore, when things were tough with 'Connor' (example name), I would pick up a knife and cut myself. I wasn't depressed, I was just half-retarded. After a few months, I broke up with my first online boyfriend. I then started NoFap. I was on that for a few days, relapsed, then became convinced that I was mentally ill/wanted to kill myself.

My PMO addiction (which started from talking to these strangers and checking out their drawings) got worse. I would play with my prick over stick figures when I was 15-16. I would play with myself over gay stick figures, stick figures with mental disabilities etc. I remember even searching up pictured of dead people when I got bored of that, jerked myself off to decapitation.

So I gave that up after highschool, had a few long streaks ranging from 20-40 days and streaks ranging from 4-14 days (usually after relapsing following a long streak). I've gotten rid of all devices where I have access to hardcore porn sites but a problem still remains; I still look for online validation from females.

I had a relationship with a woman at the start of this year, but it wasn't real, it was online. I MOd to her roleplay/nudes and convinced myself that I was in a real relationship. After discovering that she did the same thing with 20 other guys (as most rpers do), I flipped and decided to go redpill. I don't exercise what I learned in Rollo Tomassi's Rational Male books enough though as I keep fucking about in chat rooms.

I get a lot of criticism in the chats because I basically try to act LOL random to get women. People have told me that I'm acting fake (both men and women) and that I'm killing the chat/scaring the women away. The good thing about NoFap is that it's made me scared of success with these women online (I edge by speaking to them but I never go full on PMO because I panic and say the wrong thing deliberately at the last moment). The bad thing about chat rooms is that I then apply the same guilt (from that and with feeling as though I have to hide it) to actual relationships and fear success with friends/girls.

My low self-esteem comes from having these habits and it's basically made me into a white-knight virgin. If you've ever seen an episode of Friends, you'll know what i'm talking about. I am the Ross Geller of the dating world, yet I somehow think that I'm Russel Brand.

TL;DR: I need to get a healthier view on my sexuality because I feel as though I've had such a bad introduction to it.

 

I've just relapsed, I went onto a chatroom site and started roleplaying (very badly) with the women. Then I started looking at profile pictures of women on there and I ended up relapsing.