Day 31- HOCD, depression, alcohol cravings, social rejection and feeling overwhelmed (TRIGGER)

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by inthemaking, Jan 12, 2021.

  1. inthemaking

    inthemaking Fapstronaut

    I didn't plan to write this post, but here it goes.
    I've been on NoFap for 31 days now and I haven't noticed many benefits. There again, I am currently in the middle of a flatline.
    I wanted to post more on here, but the flatline made me feel as though everything was hopeless and that everything that I do or say is stupid. As though I'm constantly being judged. It's been this way for 2 weeks or so and has been exacerbated by my wet dream on day 29.
    I've gotten through it by starting a YouTube channel and learning how to edit/write scripts.
    However, I found myself slipping back into some old habits to experience a 'dopamine hit' and to relieve the pain of the flatline.
    I started wasting time on a bunch of online tests when I was supposed to be working, then I justified going onto online chatrooms because I saw my dad puking and I became worried.
    I was talking about my dad being sick, then I suddenly started talking about the online tests that I took and how I thought that I might be gay. Everyone was pissed off with me. They made fun of me, then they kicked me off. NoFap doesn't help everyone with social skills, so that's understandable.

    I fell into a depression, I cried for a bit then decided to write some poetry.
    That's when I realised that I had alcohol cravings, despite the fact that I never touched alcohol in my life.
    I was too numb and too unaware of myself to do anything then. This realisation only came to me upon awakening.

    When I woke up this morning, I also found myself questioning my identity. Who am I?
    I try to categorise myself into boxes, I'm this type of person or that type of person.
    I just want to feel special, which makes everyone hate me (as seen on that website).
    This is why for the longest time, I didn't post anything on here. I was afraid of criticism because I knew that I would get it.
    I want the truth but I also want ignorance to it. I want to know who I am but I can't stand it when people point the mirror up to my face and tell me what I am.


    Case in point: HOCD.
    A couple of days ago, I found myself looking at men.
    Attractive pictures of men, George Michael etc., I never looked at gay porn.
    I didn't fantasise over them, but then a day later I saw an attractive man on the TV who happened to be gay.
    I asked my dad: 'what do you think his dick is like'?
    Dad then got disgusted with me. I tried to come out of the closet but I made a socially awkward fool of myself.
    My dad told me that I'm whimsical. He said that I jump from idea to idea for the attention and that I'm never consistent with anything.
    I tried to make a video after that about coming out and having homophobic parents. I then realised that it was hopeless because I didn't even know what homosexuality is.
    I was like Jake Paul explaining myself.
    So I decided to not make the video until I reach 90 days of NoFap, then I can have a clearer perspective on it.
    In the mean time, I might get myself some books on homosexuality or by homosexual authors.
    But my dad's words hurt, because from looking at the chatroom incident, he was right.

    Going back to today, when I got up I just prayed.
    I'm not a religious person, but I was just feeling so overwhelmed.
    It was like I was feeling nothing and everything at once.
    I often daydream about what I would like to say to people, but then the daydreams start attacking me and I feel stuck.
    I can get lost in my thoughts which make me so anxious sometimes.
    I don't know where my identity is, I don't know who I am.
    In comparison to other people, it feels as though everyone else has it all figured out but I don't.
    I feel slow, I feel like an idiot constantly.
    Then all of these thoughts come to the surface when I speak to women or when I speak to other men.
    They see me as being rude and arrogant. I try to perceive these thoughts as being a disguise hiding my true self, but you are what you think. That's why the Law of Attraction works for so many people.

    I really don't know what to do here. Should I try to be more of a spiritual person? Should I discover who I am sexually? Should I become more sociable?
    I've tried all three of these in the past and none of them seem to be working.
    No matter how many books I read about how to socialise, I'll still fuck up. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety for a reason. I take 56 drops of ashwagandha with my coffee/decaf 3 times a day. Should I cut that out?
    Should I just accept the fact that I'm useless and turn to alcohol?
    Agent likes this.
  2. Agent

    Agent Fapstronaut

    Hey bro, i'm really sad to read this. Its really hard sometimes, myself i face some complicated problems and they suck.

    At first what website you mentioning in the beginning? And who you talking with? I'm sure you should not get too attached with people that make you feel like that and make fun of you when you facing difficult times. I don't think you gay or anything but you might be facing some shocking moments personally and maybe with your family, and who knows spiritually..

    I don't recommend you labeling yourself with HOCD neither any ''mental disorder'' you will become a slave to the labels someone or your mind puts on yourself. I saw this channel recently about this guy who was therapist that was in mental health field for 15 years and he talks a lot about psychiatric field and psychology and i believe he has a very good understanding on both things, maybe you can benefit from the videos somehow

    Do you wonder if I should try to be more of a spiritual person? I think so, in my case what saved me from PM was God and Christ, I don't know about your views and beliefs, but I can guarantee that your life can change for the better when you become closer to God, you can be a little confusing at first, but then you end up understanding it easily, anything i am here and i can help you with anything.

    Be strong bro.

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