Day 35 or so. I feel weird.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Maurice00, Apr 27, 2020.

  1. Maurice00

    Maurice00 Fapstronaut

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    After abusing porn and sexting from age 13 to 19 I finally decided to get serious about recovery after suffering from PIED for a year and ignoring it and sinking deeper into sexting and porn addiction. The last few weeks have been weird for me. I feel like I don't even exist. I feel like I'm this shell of a human being and parts from when I was 13 are coming back to me again, it feels very strange and it feels like I'm slowly coming back to life after being dead for 6 years. I've been contemplating a lot about my life and where it all went wrong. Unstable family, bullied in school, sexting late nights to get that dopamine rush and the feeling of being worth human affection. It's lonely now, but it's peaceful. I went on a walk today and I still cannot look people in the eye or act like a normal human being but it's getting better. It's difficult to deal with the loneliness sometimes ; I go weeks without talking to a single person and I'm honestly pretty starved for a hug or a kind talk with another person. I've realised that life is hard and that's okay. You can't expect too much from other people and you have to work with what you have. I used to feel intense remorse for the years lost gaming and PMO'ing but I'm slowly becoming peaceful inside. My dick is still dead but I feel slight tingles every now and then, last night I woke up with a weak semi erection which is a good sign to me. I don't crave porn or sex, I'm just thankful that I'm alive. I've also marveled at how much more vivid the world looks now, sometimes it's overwhelming even. All those sounds.. birds chirping, leaves rustling in the wind, it's beautiful. I'm becoming a person again.

    One thing that is very unsettling to me is how people treat each other. I see people being mean to each other for no reason, putting each other down and taking pleasure from that. When I walk on the street people look at me sternly and never smile. Nobody ever talks to me, even when I try to start a conversation. I'm not angry or anything, I just don't understand it at all. Maybe they don't like my face or I come off as annoying, I don't know. I really want to make friends but it seems difficult, especially during quarantine.

    Thanks for reading my post guys, it feels good to share this with someone.
     
  2. I was bullied a lot in school too, so I know how that is. People like being jerks for no reason sometimes. It's a terrible truth.

    Glad to hear that you're on the mend, though. Once the virus threat is over, maybe you can connect with people you have similar interests with by using a website like Meetup. I'm sure you can find like-minded people there. Don't give up!

    On a side note, never, EVER, feel ashamed about being a gamer. ;)
     
    Maurice00 likes this.
  3. Maurice00

    Maurice00 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry that happened to you man. I'm gonna see if I can do some community work once this quarantine stuff is over. It should be a good way to get in touch with people.

    Oh I'm not ashamed bro, I still love video games. The problem is I always go hardcore :rolleyes::rolleyes:
     

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