Dear fellow fapstronauts,
Levita here. 30 years old, been watching P half of my life. Have had periods of abstinence once in a while, but never longer than a couple of months. Currently at day 36 of PMO (hard mode) and going quite strong.
In my personal journal I have been writing about the experience a lot, but I also felt the need to share it with you guys, hence this introduction.
Main takeaways:
Abstaining from PMO makes painfully clear which things in your life aren't in order. Why? Because you can't distract yourself anymore with short-term dopamine hits. You can't fool your mind that things are good anymore.
Which things aren't OK in my life?
I think the anxiety is a good indicator that things are indeed not OK at the moment. It's my ambition telling me that I'm not where I want to be, and that I should hurry up. And it remains there, as I'm not distracting myself with PMO anymore. The hard thing is to endure it, and at the same time make steps to improve my life, get my shit together. Hopefully looking back in the near future, concluding that I've really solved some issues, or at least in part. I hope that this will also reduce the anxiety.
I'm curious what you guys think of these reflections. Tips are very welcome, specifically on dealing with the anxiety. A specific question: do you ignore the anxiety and push through (e.g. keep working on your projects), potentially increasing your anxiety even more, or do you try to de-stress first before you continue your work? Thank you!
Levita here. 30 years old, been watching P half of my life. Have had periods of abstinence once in a while, but never longer than a couple of months. Currently at day 36 of PMO (hard mode) and going quite strong.
In my personal journal I have been writing about the experience a lot, but I also felt the need to share it with you guys, hence this introduction.
Main takeaways:
Abstaining from PMO makes painfully clear which things in your life aren't in order. Why? Because you can't distract yourself anymore with short-term dopamine hits. You can't fool your mind that things are good anymore.
Which things aren't OK in my life?
- My social life isn't what I want it to be. I do have a couple of good friends, but they don't live closeby, or they are busy, so my average week isn't as filled with social events as I'd like it to be. I'm trying to make new friends in my current city, through sports and other gatherings.
- I don't like my job (enough). I make good money, but the day to day work drains me. Even though I try to get long nights of sleep, on week days, I feel tired almost all the time. I should spend more effort in finding something new.
- My home isn't what I want it to be. I own my own place since 2 years, and the basics are in order, but I haven't spent enough effort yet to make it my sanctuary. This is hard for me, to make big decisions on style, what stuff to buy, and potentially making expensive or time-wasting mistakes.
- Attachment issues. Likely caused by the relationship with my parents. Never had a love relationship that lasted longer than 1,5 years. Never had a stable, fulfilling relationship. I think these issues negatively affect my taste in women: I tend to go for the women that have attachment issues themselves. More peaceful relationships tend to 'bore' me. I have dated A LOT, and looking back at it, I think I did it for the wrong reasons. Meeting new women was an addiction in itself. After a couple of dates, when things tend to get more serious, my anxiety shoots through the roof, and a voice in my head tells me to get the hell out of there, pointing out all the reasons why I shouldn't want to be in the relationship. I hope that abstaining from PMO and other dopamine-sparking activities reshapes my brain into appreciating peace more, viewing women less objectively, and actually connecting with them. I don't like being single and living alone. I'd like to have a good relationship and start a family at some point.
- In general, I'm very dopamine-minded/sensitive to addiction. If I'm abstaining from PMO, I tend to eat more unhealthy food. During work hours, I'm likely to do other things than work, e.g. watch YouTube. I think even looking up self-help videos/articles can be a bad decision, because it can become a dopamine-sparking, time-wasting addiction in itself, and still keeping you passive.
- In general, I don't feel I'm living up to my full potential. I feel that PMO, addiction in general, and psychological issues has kept me this weak version of myself. I'm used to having lots of time, and wasting it. I'm used to putting minimal effort in things, and avoiding responsibility. At this age, I should be thriving, be social, and be busy achieving things. Focus on long-term goals.
- Unfortunately, I cannot say I've already experienced a lot of good things like others are writing about. I don't feel more energy. At times, I can suddenly feel very insecure, although maybe that might be a good insight of self-awareness, as things are indeed not OK at the moment, and I should work on them. Apart from low energy, I almost always feel anxious. I feel my heart beating strongly. I often feel lonely. I very frequently feel horny, especially on the streets when I see good looking women. My P-induced fantasies barely seem to be fading yet.
- Good thing is that actually watching P or other sensual stuff online isn't the issue. I configured a DNS filter, and I shared my vow with a couple of close friends/accountability partners, so it's not very hard to not look up stuff. It's more that I'd like the relief from having an O, and I feel restless/anxious/stressed when not allowing myself.
- I'm becoming much more aware of what gives me stress. I have to, because I can't inject myself with a short-term PMO-shot anymore. As a kid, I remember being stressed, and discovering that it was simply caused by the fact that my room was a mess. Cleaning up would therefore make me feel happy again. At a later age, I sort of fought against this urge, labeling it as an unhealthy form of compulsive behaviour. But I decided to respect this again. It's important to me that my house is in order, that stuff can be found in the same place, that there are no dishes on the kitchen table when I go to bed. Cleaning up works therapeutic, and takes away a lot of stress, making me sleep, feel and work much better. Also, I rediscovered how stressful multi-tasking is for me, and I put more effort now to avoid it.
- My view/opinion on P and dating purely for s*x is actually changing. Before, I saw them just as a form of pleasure, nothing negative. But my disgust towards them is increasing. And regret of having spent so much time on them. Understanding better that they weren't a safe form of enjoyment (like going to the cinema or whatever), but really a destructive addiction in sheep's clothing.
I think the anxiety is a good indicator that things are indeed not OK at the moment. It's my ambition telling me that I'm not where I want to be, and that I should hurry up. And it remains there, as I'm not distracting myself with PMO anymore. The hard thing is to endure it, and at the same time make steps to improve my life, get my shit together. Hopefully looking back in the near future, concluding that I've really solved some issues, or at least in part. I hope that this will also reduce the anxiety.
I'm curious what you guys think of these reflections. Tips are very welcome, specifically on dealing with the anxiety. A specific question: do you ignore the anxiety and push through (e.g. keep working on your projects), potentially increasing your anxiety even more, or do you try to de-stress first before you continue your work? Thank you!
Last edited:
