Day 43 - porn withdraw. I am depressed?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by iHappy, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. iHappy

    iHappy Guest

    I am not really sure what is happening to me from day 23 but I can't get back on track. It feels like my life was better before I started this NoFap thing. My life is not perfect, it is actually far from it but at least I was doing my best to get my life back. But now...the only thing I do is I am free from porn, masturbation and orgasm for 42 days.
    The bad things:
    -I have started gaming after being clean for 2 months
    -I have stopped meditating completely for 10 days and ended up my meditation streak of 430+ days
    -I have lost control of my internet and computer usage. I used to limit it successfully in the past, but I can't do it right now
    -stopped taking cold showers
    -stopped listening to audio books
    -stopped going for walks and doing exposure therapy
    -I have a difficult time getting out of bed. I was and still am a early rises. I used to get out of bed in the period from 6 to 7 a.m. but lately, I rarely go out of bed before 8 a.m. and I always feel like sleeping.
    -lack of energy.
    -fatigue
    -increased anxiety. I am even anxious in situations I used to have 0 anxiety

    The list goes on and on, I have stopped doing everything what matters to me and I am having a really really hard time to get back on track. I am trying, but I simply can't catch the momentum.
    I have managed to meditate 2x 30 minutes yesterday and it was ok. 30 minutes seems to much I guess but it isn't for me. I can do it easily. But the problem is I cannot stick with my good habits and the things I really really need to be doing.
    So, I have tried meditating this morning and I have somehow managed to get myself to sit, but I ended it after 6 minutes and turned on pc. It feels so good to lie in bed, write here or watch tv shows and do absolutely nothing.
    Catching moment is really really hard.


    I am not feeling sad, but it is just that I don't like the way i am now. Things like meditation and exposure therapy are crucial for my well being but I don't feel like doing them.
    Don't get me wrong, I am not feeling like this all the time and that is why I am able to meditate 2x30 minutes for one day, and maybe even go for a good walk and do other positive habits, but on the other days, I simply cannot force myself to do any of this.

    One thing is certain. Watching porn or masturbating would not do me any good. They might offer a temporary relief but that wouldn't help me in the long term. So I am planing to stick to this, even tough it cost me so much.
    But it will get better one day, it must. No feelings can stick forever.

    The answer is = Yes, I am depressed. But I have decided to share this with all of you because it is important to know that this will be really really hard.

    EDIT: I used to track habits on this forum in a thread "The New Habit Challenge". Most of things I track were obviously not a new habits, I did them before joining this forum, but that tread was fun for me and I enjoyed tracking progress.

    and check this out, everything was going fine until Day 23, but after that...
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 23, 2016
  2. I Shall Win

    I Shall Win Fapstronaut

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    Hey @iHappy , sorry to hear you are feeling unhappy. :(
    When I ended my longest streak of 40+ days I remember the period you are going through. It really sucks because there isn't much things that make you happy and what does make you happy kinda pulls you through back to PMO. You might be careful because currently you are hanging only by a thread of being aware that PMO would make you feel bad but If you are barely hanging with raw energy alone...That won't cut it!
    What helped me during that time was meeting new people and socializing. I know, it sounds cliche and it probably is not in your priority as you feel depressed but push yourself just a little push...you will feel better afterwards ...Promise! :)
    But remember to socialize with positive people.
    Good luck man, I really mean it!
     
    iHappy likes this.
  3. Hey man.
    Don't let your guard down! This is the same reason I relapsed on day 51.
    You think: I'm doing my best but still not feeling good. Man these are just withdrawels, but very strange ones. That you begin to question yourself.

    I trust you that you will not relapse. Tha fact that you notice what's wrong is a good sign. Try to find motivation even tough it will be hard.

    Come on man! Do not relapse. You will be mad. And the fact that you want to do nofap and reach even more days is 100%.
    You've been through hard times to get here. Just keep going man!
     
    iHappy likes this.
  4. iHappy

    iHappy Guest

    @I Shall Win You are right, I do enjoy spending time with people and it makes me feel better. In fact I just spend a hour with my aunt, we had a good talk and coffee. It is not that I am sad or desperate but I know there are much better things that I should be doing right now instead of spending time in front of a computer screen. But it is so hard to get going.
    This! What helps me to get trough this period is computer, but is a double edged sword. I am confident that I won't relapse, but the things I am doing right now are so harmful to me and I am always only one click away from porn.

    @Larry Thank you. I will stay strong and keep on going trough this. There must be an end to this. I can't feel like this forever.
    Seeing your answer and the answer by @I Shall Win already helped me a lot. I just wanted to see the experiences of other people who made it to 40+ days.

    Just when you think you are prepared for worst.... it gets even harder :confused:
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. pjelou

    pjelou Fapstronaut

    I've never had such a long streak so I didn't experience these feelings. I just wanna encourage you to pursuit your decision and hope you'll feel better, motivated and full of life. Maybe a trip somewhere will help you to catch your drift. Something like a spiritual pilgrimage...
    Good luck to you bro
     
    iHappy likes this.
  6. iHappy

    iHappy Guest

    Thank you for your answers and support.
    Unfortunately, I am not in a position where it is possible to do got out of home and do much stuff :)

    It will get better, I am sure. I just have to wait.
     
  7. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    Maybe you need a sensui bean:D
    Or how about a battle with ginyu force:D
     
    iHappy likes this.
  8. RonTheBear

    RonTheBear Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, in impressed by your resolve. I've had times where my other good habits start slipping and then it eventually leads me back to PMO. Stay strong, but also as mentioned above getting out of the toxic environment can really help as well. Though I understand if it's hard to do. I've found that sitting at a coffee shop and having a conversation with a stranger is often a great way to "perk myself up"
     
  9. dudenotperfect

    dudenotperfect Fapstronaut

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    @iHappy

    The things you said..somehow I can relate to that. The only thing I like about the 'PMO' version of me is that when ever I feel bad about myself, I have an escape route to go. Although I know PMO is really bad, but at least I could make myself feel a bit better when I am in the lowest time of my life even for a while. Even though I know the Nofap could help me a lot more (and I mean A LOT) but it also takes away the only option I have when I got to certain shitty situations.

    I believe you have what it takes to go through this bro. You are on 42 day streak which is awesome! I also have the app 'Habit' which keeps track of my new daily routines and just like you, with each day passing by, the more I unable to tick some of the new routines I make like meditation and some other things.

    If there's anyone who can beat this tough times, it is you!
     
  10. iHappy

    iHappy Guest

    @RonTheBear Unfortunately, that is not an option for me :) Part of my problem is that I am naturally a very social problem but I have anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. So leaving home is not really an option :-D
    Don't worry, I am not going to relapse :) I was just wondering is this depression part of the porn withdraw. It looks like it is because I am not the only one dealing with it :)

    @dudenotperfect Thank you for the support :) I got it, relapse is not an option.
    This was only a rant because I don't like very much my current version. But things will improve in the future.
     
    Awakeatlast likes this.
  11. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    You are in the flatline. I made it several times to 35 days, and it was always around day 25 that this came in.

    After ~ 3 weeks, your brain gets used to the abstinence, and thus, the sensation of the new is over.

    But at the same time, you still have no clear life goal, and now you are floating cluelessly around.

    Therefore, the solution is to find a clear life goal and to follow it. If you have no goal and no plan, then you are like a ship floating in the ocean without rudder.
     
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  12. TheFutureMe

    TheFutureMe Fapstronaut

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    Pretty much this, at least that's what it seems from what you're saying! :)

    Also, there might be something else to consider, it's the routine adjustment. Here's the situation, right : Starting a new challenge with plenty of novelty items in your agenda, discipline stuff and great things that helped you plow through the first 40 days in your path of sustaining a PMO-free lifestyle.

    Maybe (and that's just a maybe because I'm on 56 days for the first time myself, and have been pondering this issue for a few weeks now) the question that needs to be asked is "Did I really think my routine devised on day 0 will last as it is today until day [insert your goal here] untouched?". My best guess here is "no, it has to be adjusted", just as neural pathways and habits change and adapt overtime.

    When I started to get the same feeling I (very fortunately) had a lot of unusual things happen in the same period of time, preventing me from sticking to my routines and habits, and instead providing with fresh activities and thoughts for a limited time, until I could resume my previous discipline. It worked like a charm and when I came back to "normal", the feeling you're describing was nowhere to be felt. Happened a couple of times in the last few weeks and it helps setting a new perspective on the routine, adapting it just a tad everytime to fit our behaviour (and hopefully our needs) as best we can.

    Best of luck :)
     
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  13. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Super, thanks for this post, this is very encouraging.

    It reminds me again that the way towards a meaningful life means an overall shift in life style.
    It's not just "90 day abstinence, and then it's gone". - It's an overall change in our approach to life, in our every-day routine.

    Once we went one step, and get used to it, then we already need to go the next step. Find new activities. And so on. If we keep that kind of approach, we have in fact found a new way to live and to life.
     
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  14. struggla

    struggla Fapstronaut

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    @iHappy First of all, congrats on all your success! You are a role model for all of us just starting on our journey. Really, well done. Secondly, though you may not recognize it all the time, it sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. You know your weaknesses and where you'd like your life to be. That means you have good standards and goals. You're dealing with things in life (i.e., anxiety/agoraphobia) that many people deal with as well, but also many of us don't. So you have a unique perspective on life. You're growing tougher. You're overcoming more than the average person has to. Even amongst your negative thoughts you're able to reason and counter-argue your negative thoughts with more positive ones. You will PERSEVERE, you will OVERCOME, and you will CONQUER these afflictions. Life naturally ebbs and flows. We can't always be on top of our game all the time. It's just not humanly possible. You're gonna get back on track, with patience. Rock on, my friend.
     
    iHappy likes this.
  15. iHappy

    iHappy Guest

    @SnowWhite Thank you very much for your comment. It looks like those are only porn withdraw symptoms and famous "Mood Swings", not the best time in my life but it will pass.
    This gives me even a bigger motivation to end this addiction because it shows how big hold on our lives porn have.

    @TheFutureMe Last night I was thinking something "Maybe I am trying too much too soon". Instead of trying to do everything like I did before NoFap I will simply try to do a very mimum, just to get me going.
    For example, instead of meditating for 30 minutes, I will simply sit for a minimum of 10 minutes. And instead of crying about not going for walks and not doing exposure therapy, I will simply go for a 10 minute walk.
    What happens when you set a small goal is that you usually push yourself further, the most important thing is to start. And it will get the habit going, that is all I need :)
    So, thank you :) Your comment just confirmed this.
     
    TheFutureMe likes this.
  16. iHappy

    iHappy Guest

    Thank you very much for your support and words of encouragement!! It appears that was all I needed. I am back on track even stronger and with a new plan :)
     
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  17. gogibasket

    gogibasket Fapstronaut

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    Dont give up @iHappy we are here for you! You are great in comments and helping others now u need some help too, that's why this forum is for.Good luck and stay strong
     
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  18. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Yes, mood swings. They will pass for sure, but it's necessary that you are actively doing something!

    I recently had mood swings myself, and again I found that I really need to take clear decisions. Once I do, then my mood becomes better, I have the feeling of having control again.

    Also, it's so evident that body and soul are connected. You need to have a relaxed body. Sleep enough, and do sports. Go out in the sun for a swimming. It makes you so happy.
     
  19. Kyoya

    Kyoya Fapstronaut

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    I think you should do some exercises that cause perspiration. I have read a lot of websites that it reduces stress & releases endorphins. Go for at least 30 minutes workout that is really intense starting from pushups, situps, jumping jacks, pull up etc. I know I am not in a position to give advice but I hope this will help. You will not feel like exercising but by all means, go for it. You are bound to feel good. And most importantly stay strong. Things will definitely get better. I will pray for you.
     
  20. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Sports is always good to lighten up the mood. But it's not necessary to be intense - that could even be contraproductive.
    It's more important that you do some fitness program for around 30 minutes. Like swimming, jogging, biking, hiking.
     

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