Day 450. I don’t want to live anymore

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by UK Lad, Aug 3, 2019.

  1. UK Lad

    UK Lad Fapstronaut

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    Day 450 of nofap today.
    Last 2 weeks, been staring at 4 walls and the floor several hours a day.

    I want to close my eyes and go peacefully to god.

    I came off SSRI meds called Abilify 4 weeks ago.

    I tapered over 5 months.

    I’m in so much psychological pain.
    Head hurts.

    Depressed at the slightest thing.

    Haven’t got motivation to walk anywhere haven’t done so in 6 months
     
  2. Ahmed1998

    Ahmed1998 Fapstronaut

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    be strong bro, your here for a reason, if your on 450 keep going, god is always there and regardless of when you will meet him one day. Meet him the right way. The Honorable way. As the great Muhammad Ali said "Suffer now and live the rest of you live as a champion"
     
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  3. hairlesschewbacca

    hairlesschewbacca Fapstronaut

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    Just walk brother. You can do it. You can do really hard things. I believe you will be okay.
     
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  4. auzzy_mikey

    auzzy_mikey Fapstronaut

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    Hope things get better bro. That sounds scary cause I'm taking SSRIs right now and want to get off them as soon as possible.

    You suffering withdrawals from antidepressants?
     
    UK Lad likes this.
  5. Michael1973

    Michael1973 Fapstronaut

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    You are a hero to us! look in the mirror and see us chearing you on and being jealous of your commitment and dedication to wanting something more. Be gentle of yourself bro.
     
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  6. UK Lad

    UK Lad Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the support. I’m on day 455. I’m also taking some natural herbal medication, and feeling a lot better.

    Plus a little bit of exercise and fresh air every morning helps.

    I think it was a flatline. Or brain trying to deal with maybe black magic or the fact that I been doing this since 5. Pretty sure someone did magic due to jealousy.
     
  7. UK Lad

    UK Lad Fapstronaut

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    Most likely yes. It takes ppl time to adjust back to normality.

    Best thing to do whilst your on them, work or exercise and sweat it out a lot then cold shower. You’ll feel a lot lot better. And feel brighter.

    Eat healthy. But remember don’t stay on them too long. Wean off as your brain zaps disappears and your streaks get longer.
     
  8. xXkiller42

    xXkiller42 Fapstronaut

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    The reason you got to 450 days is cause of god, dont give up brethren.
     
  9. UK Lad

    UK Lad Fapstronaut

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    Exactly my brother!
    God is found in broken hearts.
    I wish the same for you.
     
  10. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    You can do this since you have come this far! You need to occupy your mind because of what those SSRI's have done you have to work and get your head back to where it belongs. I cannot imagine how it feels for you but I suggest try your hardest to go out and do something, ANYTHING, besides looking at those four walls. Your mind needs to know what happiness is again. Start by doing what you had done before for happiness... Bike riding, walks, museums, books, go to the city and walk around. Find a festival of some sort. It has already been said the mind is fueled by what we put in it and as well our bodies. EAT good food and exercise as much as possible. Our bodies need constant movement or we would go insane.

    Try to get work somewhere outside instead of a building in an office if you can. Please always ask what you need help with and we all here will answer.
     
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  11. xXkiller42

    xXkiller42 Fapstronaut

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    Ay you too!
     
  12. UK Lad

    UK Lad Fapstronaut

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    One of my downfalls is when my dad fights argues with me. I become so depressed. I then watch porn, like I did today for 5 mins. I want to commit suicide every time it happens. I can’t handle the toxic environment I’m in. I have my own place to stay and when loneliness hits me I think about porn. Even on day 456. I can’t control my emotions. I understand your point on keeping busy.

    I guess I’ve damaged myself today for another 2-4 weeks by watching porn. It takes instant effect it affects me makes me almost depressed.

    I may be getting married when it happens. I’m looking and have joined some agencies and dating apps and ppl that I know that arrange marriages. I guess I lose the confidence to meet them after argument at home n I stay depressed for days in my room.

    I look great one day then when depression kicks in I lose all my good looks instantly. It just kills my confidence.

    I haven’t really been out the house for 6 months. I’m seriously suicidal. I can’t fight this shit anymore. I’m thinking about just letting go and masturbating again.
     
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  13. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    I'd advice you to visit good CBT therapist if available and them him/her what you're going through. Maybe he/she'll sent you to psychotherapist first to figure out unresolved issues you might have and then develop recovery plan.

    You're a grown man, if arguing with your father makes you so depressed, just tell him that and set some basic rules of conversation. You need to stand up for yourself. If he doesn't want to talk to you without raising his voice, just cut him off. Say to him: "It's my life and I intend to live it as I please. I don't interfere in your life and I expect no interference in mine. No need for future visits or calls if you can't handle it." I told this to my partner, mother and some "friends". It's very liberating thing to do. Some people try to project their own frustrations and fears into you. Don't let them do it. I lost some so called friends, but I really don't care. People who really care for you will stick with you, those who won't were not worthy of your time anyway.

    Clinical depression is a b... The only thing that has worked for me is to embrace the pain/void and force myself to do daily routine that helps me fight the black dog. On my worst days when I'm on the verge of contemplating suicide, I have only one rule: I say to myself, OK you can kill yourself BUT only after finishing one hour long run. Oh your knee hurts, then cycle, oh it's raining, then go for a swim... After finishing a run or whatever, suicidal thoughts become just an unpleasant memory.

    The easy part is to stop PMOing, the hard stuff is to learn how to live without it:
     
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  14. Freeddom_Taker

    Freeddom_Taker Fapstronaut

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    If you look good one day then you got depressed. You probably dealing with chemical imbalance in the brain which caused by too much pmo consumption I'm assuming. I am on the same boat as you dealing with PAWS right now.

    What's the length of your addiction?
     
  15. Hikerboi780

    Hikerboi780 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, we all get depressed at some points in our lives. The best thing I found is to accept it as a part of life. for now. I've struggled with it too and it might take a while, but so does a lot of things. If you are already on day 450, then you know how long it has been since you first started and that it doesn't happen overnight. I'm impressed that you have made it so far! Keep it up! Also, if you have your own place, perhaps you might consider moving to a further location away from your father and keep your address secret? A change of scenery can be a huge boost. ;)
     
  16. Discouraged

    Discouraged Fapstronaut

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    i like that quote by Mohammad Ali
     
  17. DGZ

    DGZ Fapstronaut

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  18. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    Well, you and me have a lot in common. I have fought with my dad a lot grousing up. I had my own mind, I wanted to be out on my own and make my own decisions at. A young age. It was always about control with my Dad, and unfortunately I let him have it more then less a lot. If I just would have gotten up, moved out sooner or just never moved back in when I came home seven years ago I cutely have been married already. Made myself too comfortable. That’s all changing, and party I’m to blame because of self esteem and confidence and going to open to take care of loneliness.

    I experienced anhedonia to lots of stuff or a least six to seven month before my dopamine and mood normalized.. PLEASE UNDERSTAND ... your mood right now is because you are rebooting and your dopamine is crashing or has crashed. It WILL normalize! Don’t worry you will get better and you will have that confidence to stand tall and tell people what you are feeling. I am still working it myself. Concentrate on what can make you better. You definitely need to keep the conversation with your Dad minimal otherwise that will trigger relapse. Try avoiding the argument as best as possible. I am sure it will be hard for you to do but you can do it. Find the good person inside of yourself that is better than those that want to bring other people down and focus on the joy that YOU are a happier person for being the better man.

    Don’t try mail order brides or anything like that. Once you are clean and rebooted long enough nothing will ring you down and make you feel bad. You will have the confidence to talk to everybody and eventually someone you will love eventually.

    I want to ask if you can travel, you like flying or do you like to drive. If your place is what is triggering you, GET OUT IT. Go on a short trip somewhere that makes you happy. Go to the beach there, just talk to random people when you are out and you will see that it isn’t hard at all.

    If you feel you want to talk to therapist of some sort for issues you have with family then do it. I understand those meds have messed with your mind but part of getting through the hard and sadness of this is the joy you will feel coming out of it.

    Not sure if you have any faith or belief in God but last thing I’m going to tell anybody is pray the pain away. Actually believing and knowing God is walking the path that he showed the example of. Sure he prayed but in the end it was up to him to be an example for everybody else to see how they can ride up and pure of the mind and heart and evil couldn’t touch him.

    I know you can do it so please come back and talk if you need anymore help or questions.
     
    UK Lad likes this.
  19. Spriritofawarrior

    Spriritofawarrior Fapstronaut

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    You shouldn’t have taken ssri’s bro. You fucked up your brain. If you just went cold turkey without the use of anti-depressants, you would’ve been healed by now.

    anti-depressants bring on a whole other withdrawal compared to pmo
     
  20. Ravefist

    Ravefist Fapstronaut

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    It's not the nofap, it's the SSRI drugs withdrawal. Take mucuna pruriens aka velvet bean. Talk with your doctor first, but it should help.
     

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