Day 450. I don’t want to live anymore

Thank you. I’ve been trying to keep occupied lately but not much success. I even started watching bay watch on YouTube and random porn clips on google after removing the filter settings from my phone. Watching bay watch made me think it’s normal to let your wife or sister get in the same shower as undressed men and act like it don’t affect you. Or it’s normal for a lot of ppl who don’t be so serious in life and turn to god later. Lots of ppl let their sisters go clubbing or shower with random men or let their wife’s spend time with other men because apparently it’s fun and harmless. These ppl have weak hearts or too much money, or just plain stupid. If they’ve grown up in that environment then it’s harder to get out of it and see that it could be wrong. This is what porn or a promiscuous culture does to your mind. I can’t justify Hugh Hefner having sex with 2,500 women every year?! But fair enough if you love your sister it’s diferrent you would let her be sensible. But I didn’t masturbate. I’ve been going for long walks sweating it out. Feeling a little better today.

But here’s the bad news..

Have been watching a lot of porn last few days when I was alone.. am alone for next 3 days parents have gone away.

I jizzed in my pants after watching p but I didn’t use my hands.

I need to get my shit right. I’ve reset my counter by 65 days. I should be ok within 2-3 weeks.

I’m doing light weights n lots of walking.

 

Thank you brother.

I like driving occasionally but I think I couldn’t go anywhere far without 100% confidence .

I relapsed today after my walking. I didn’t masturbate but jizzed after watching porn.

I really benefited from ssri by having a flat libido for 12 months.. but I am slowly sweating it everyday to get it all out my skin. Side effects are awful.

I love god and I’ll get there. The end of days is near we are struggling so much to love god there is so much temptation. Everyone’s suffering.

 

I got advice off them few months back. Pretty good website

 

Yh I tried changing it to 375. Yes the drugs is probably what caused all this.

My situation is, I’ve had the addiction since 5 yrs old.

 

No I don’t edge that’s worse it kills u quicker ..

 

Just an update..

I’m feeling a bit better. I was on Day 440 last week.

I’ve actually reset by 75 days. I’ll try reset my counter again. I didn’t masturbate at all. But!

I’ve been walking regularly about an hour. Sweating it out.

What I did notice is that I felt depressed and unmotivated to do anything. Just stared at the floor mostly.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation! It’s the pmo that probably caused my depression and trauma not knowing how to deal with this addiction at the time.

My cousin first introduced me to it. He was a police officer in training. Played porn on his mums laptop yes she caught him as well. But he didn’t care he was privately educated. He was hacking into school pupils laptops and playing porn on their screens he was just an idiot troll.

11-12 yrs later I managed to understand where this addiction came from. I thought it was black magic. I was probably wrong. The catalogue were filled with girls. In only bras and underwear. Overtly enticing for a 5 yr old!

Anti depressants only work until brain zaps disappears. Then come off them slowly.. then you’re healed if pmoing was it’s cause

I was humping clothing catalogue girls for hours when I was 5. It got worser but I still had confidence somewhat.

I’m surviving ok without antidepressants. I need more meditation. I am occasionally glimpsing at porn but I shouldn’t!

 

Ok relapse again. Thyroid gland is fucked. Coughing mucus all night. Did not use hands. Got headache etc

 

I’ve been coughing flem all day and throat is fucked.