Day 52. Experienced the worst night and trying to recover.

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by tunwang520, Oct 28, 2018.

  1. tunwang520

    tunwang520 Fapstronaut

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    Greetings, rebooters! It's My #1 thread. Last night was one of the worst nights of my life and I'll tell you what happened.

    Some background information. I am a 24-year-old male living in Beijing, China. I completed my Masters in New York University this summer. I have completed 2 sessions of reboot. Both are around 120 days. Yesterday was the Day 51 of my third attempt.

    I think my weakness is letting little things ruin my plan. Half of the time I feel insecure and sensitive (the reason I only had one relationship before, I think girls prefer the man who knows where he is going). In addition, I have OCD in terms of pursuing perfection is what also keeps me on the reboot journey.

    Yesterday I went to clubbing since its almost Halloween. I totally fucked up every opportunity to get laid or at least to have a kiss.
    At 11 PM, I went to join a group of friends whom also have international education backgrounds. I carried with a motive that I could get to know some girls and maybe get laid with one of them.

    But I feel terribly low when I arrived. I thought alcohol will help but it didn't. I felt downbeat all night. I couldn't look at girls in their eyes and wouldn't initiate a conversation. I consider my appearance an 8 out of 10. I can see that there are 2 or 3 girls who are attracted to me. They pushed me to the dance floor. But I only gave half-assed moves although I am a good dancer. I was too shy to dance face to face. I felt like I just can't summon the energy to talk back or get closer to them. As a result, I appeared to be so freaking ALOOF and weird.

    Looking back from now, several things contributed to my low energy level and confidence. First, it was a hectic day yesterday. I went to a career fair and talk to 10 companies and gave them my resumes.

    Second, before I went to clubbing, I didn't eat dinner and in my workout session I trained my arms and abs toooooo much (100 solid push-ups and 200 ab-crunches) so by the time I arrived at the club, I have emptied all the glycogen in my muscle cells. I felt weak physically.

    Third, there was a guy in the friend group that I dislike and a couple of girls I never met before. I felt that I cannot blend in so well at least in the first half an hour.

    I ended up going home early than others because my heart was screaming to get out. Afraid of what my friends might think of me. I sensed that after this, my social ranking in this group dropped low to the bottom. All the way to home, I was so depressed. But I didn't relapse.

    I don't think this is a typical losing story. The context of last night is to complex even for me to grasp, never mention the readers. I hope by writing I can sort things out and at least calm myself. What I can learn from the experience I am not sure. But I will keep going.
    Thank you for reading.
     
  2. Hey man, I feel your struggle. I've been in a few similar situations before. Most important thing is to try to find people who you share some hobbies with, that will allow you to loosen up a bit.
     
    tunwang520 likes this.
  3. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    I found that having the motivation of having sex would usually ruin things for me. Try having no expectations of having sex, and instead expect to have fun, that way whatever happens is only a bonus! At least that's what I think, maybe we could hear back from some others too.
     
  4. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    That's great! Keep up the great work. You're doing well.

    I wish that you could get laid by as many women as you wanted. I wish that you could pick out as many women as you like from every club or bar you go to and do whatever you want to do with them. I wish that you could have all of this so that you could find out that you're still missing something, and that you aren't any happier or better-off than you are right now.

    After reading your story, it sounds like you place a lot of value on "getting laid". It sounds like your ideal situation would be to go out to a bar or club, meet a woman you find attractive, take her back to your place (or her place), and have sex. I'm curious as to why you think this would be such an ideal situation. The truth is, I don't think it will make you any happier. It might make you excited and make you feel appreciated and maybe even loved, but I think those feelings will eventually fade or become normal for you. After that happens, you'll be right where you are right now, feeling like something is missing, and that life might be better for you if you just had that missing thing.

    Some people spend their whole lives chasing after things that they think will make them happy. Money, cars, houses, a good job, a stable relationship, getting laid, a happy family, getting in good shape, knowledge, spiritual enlightenment, whatever. Often times, they actually get those things, and it makes them happy for a while. However, they don't satisfy their desires completely, and they often still feel like something is missing even when they have everything they dreamed of. They focus so much on that thing they wanted that they missed everything that was happening to them while they were working towards it.

    We live in a crazy, beautiful, chaotic, awe-inspiring world. It surprises us at every corner and motivates us to do incredible things. Don't miss it! There are smells to smell, there are foods to taste, books to read, people to talk to, ideas to consider, and places to see. You have an amazing opportunity to be in Beijing. I would have killed to study in a place like that when I was in school. Don't spend your time out there so focused on getting laid that you miss out on how fascinating life really is.

    There are two reasons you feel like you don't have what you want. The first is more philosophical: you don't know who you really are. You don't know where you end and the rest of the world begins. The second is more practical: you already have what you want. You are the universe experiencing itself, and it's incredible. Your moment-to-moment experiences are beyond your wildest imagination if you actually pause to look around at them. You don't need to get laid. You don't even really want it (though you might think you do). The sooner you realize this, the happier you will be. Enjoy your life. I'm not telling you to do that because I think it will get you laid. I'm telling you to do that because, if you really do it sincerely, you won't need to anyway.
     
    sakeen and tunwang520 like this.
  5. tunwang520

    tunwang520 Fapstronaut

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    Great advice, I think I haven't put enough emphasis on finding friends that share the same hobbies. I made a mistake which I kept finding new ones and this is not sustainable because I can't manage all of them. Thank you brother!
     
  6. tunwang520

    tunwang520 Fapstronaut

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    Man, what you said to is beautiful. Could you share some of your ways of living and enjoying life. I am stunned to read your reply.... Thank you so much, Ridley.
     
  7. tunwang520

    tunwang520 Fapstronaut

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    I think I need to be more thankful to life and my family, friends. A little appreciation saves my soul.
     
  8. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    I have nothing to teach you. You already understand how to live and how to enjoy your life. Only, it's not really your life. It's just life.

    I have no methods to teach you. I have no exercises to give you as homework. I have no philosophy to reveal to you. I am not hiding anything from you. I am encouraging you to think about what you really want, and to ultimately see that you already have it.

    It's not simply pleasure or happiness that you want. You want to be disappointed sometimes, too. That's because, if you were never disappointed, you wouldn't ever be satisfied either. If you were never disappointed, if you never had unpleasant days, if you never tasted bad food or saw something grotesque, you wouldn't have any appreciation for the pleasant things in life. Happiness means nothing without sadness. Satisfaction means nothing without disappointment. Life means nothing without death. Now, do you see why you already have what you want? You want the whole picture. You want all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well, that's exactly what you have, now isn't it?
     
    tunwang520 likes this.
  9. tunwang520

    tunwang520 Fapstronaut

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    so where do you live Ridley, tell me about yourself if you are glad to??
     
  10. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    If you value the people in your life, I think that reaching out to them and telling them that you appreciate their company will bring you a lot of joy.

    I'll mention one more thing about why I'm sure you don't really want to get laid: there isn't enough drama involved in it. As I mentioned in my previous comment: you want the whole picture. You don't just want to be happy. You want to be happy sometimes and sad sometimes, otherwise you wouldn't even have a concept of what happiness is. If you really just wanted to get laid, you would find a hooker. But you don't want to do that. You want the struggle to find a partner. You want those awkward nights where you can't seem to connect with women. You want those rejections because it will make the acceptance have definition and depth.

    I think everything I just wrote is actually a pretty accurate description of why people are never really satisfied with porn. Haha
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2018
    ClaritySeeker likes this.
  11. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    I don't want to share too much about where I live, if that's alright. Suffice it to say I don't live in Beijing.

    I'm 25 years old, I work full time, and I work on a lot of creative projects in my free time (music, art, writing, etc.). Of course, Ridley isn't my real name. It's a nickname I use because I'm a huge fan of Metroid.
     

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