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DE, dating apps, death grip and rebooting

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by J_dogg79, Dec 12, 2017.

  1. J_dogg79

    J_dogg79 New Fapstronaut

    hi all,

    Well this has been a looooong time coming.

    So I’m 38. Started fapping when I was about 12 (started with underwear catalogues, etc then once the internet arrived it was all over with P). I wouldn’t say I was a heavy addict, but i would regularly pmo very day (or other day) for about an hour.

    I’ve had a number of sexual relationships over time. A fee LTRs. Was married to a wonderful partner for 8 years. And the whole time never really had a satisfying sex life. I’ve become more and more comfortable with sex over time, but it’s always been a challenge to O from intercourse (sex, oral, handjob) and difficult for me to even O with a partner present. Sometimes I feel like it has to do with them “watching me” , pressure to perform, hurry up, etc.

    So fast forward: my marriage has ended (for entirely different reasons), and now I’m back to dating/ having sex again. And this problem of DE persists.

    I’ve been seeing a therapist and we’ve both agreed it may be a good approach to swear off P (which I’m going on 2 weeks now, “sort of”, more on this later), and 1 week no MO.

    After 1 week with no porn, I MO’d. First time was super tough, took me a while. Next two times were significantly easier. But still not as freely as if watching p. Had to reeeaaally concentrate.

    I’m thinking I have a combo of issues: death grip, porn, religious upbringing. The trifecta.

    I guess I have a few questions:

    1) so I mention I’ve sort of stopped porn, being that I haven’t visited a porn site, however I do have hookup apps on my phone, which after exchanging photos/vids I guess can be construed as looking at porn. Is it possible to reboot and still use these apps? I’m def not M or Oing when chatting etc. but I’m wondering if just looking at a few pix elicits dopamine that could be hampering the process.

    2) has anyone had success with hypnotherapy/ sex therapy? My therapist thought it may be something to examine.

    3) do any of you have performance anxiety during sex, of the person looking at you, waiting on you, etc? Or is that just me? Lol.

    4) how long does it take for your dick to return to factory settings after no MO?

    5) do most people fantasize when with their partner? I’ve always wondered this, as during sex I’m invested, aroused, in the moment, really sexually turned on by the person, but when it comes time to O I need to rely on the trusty spank bank to get me there. Often taking a while. A lot of this I feel is because I’m afraid the person will realize I’m fantasizing about someone/something else (even if they’re drop dead sexy) and I feel guilty about it and like I don’t want them to watch me. Weird?

    Any advice welcome.

    Really glad I’m doing this. Shooting (no pun intended) for 30 days no PMO this first go. Wish me luck!
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2017
  2. Bman27

    Bman27 Fapstronaut

    Hi mate,

    My advice to you would be to delete those dating apps.


    This explains that high levels of dopamine are released and maintained by the 'novelty' factor of porn i.e lots of different options and genres to keep your brain stimulated. Dating apps these days are very similar in the sense that they offer a window shopping effect with access to 1,000s of individuals at a swipe of your smartphone. Not to mention the inevitability of more revealing photographs on some profiles which may trigger urges to search for more.

    It's not necessarily the masturbation or orgasm that induces the massive release of dopamine, it's chronically seeking novel and rewarding material in the first place that does this.

    Having said this, many people do use dating apps responsibly and do not spiral into erotic picture swapping/compulsive searching/cyber sex. If you think this is you then I don't see a problem. However, since you are on this forum I suspect it probably might be a problem and would advise against using these kind of apps.

    Good luck brother.

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