Dealing with Fantasies During Rebooting

So far, when ever I have had a sexual thought or a start of fantasizing, I immediately deny it, as Chef boy said, you cannot stop them from entering your head, but you can stop them from continuing, that is your choice and if you can control this choice, then you are on a good path

 

Well, I am on my day 3 hard mode. I get fantasies but they never overrule me.
I have a simple trick, whenever they come I think of nasty things like a man's ass or a man without a penis. It must seem gross to you but it works for me.
I deviate my mind from those fantasies of hot women to nasty men and then I dont think about it anymore as my mood is all screwed up.

 

This is a good topic to explore. It's important because all our actions originally stem from a single thought. The first hint of a thought is pretty much beyond our control like a few guys said already. And it's the easiest to dismiss at that point when it has no momentum.

And it's hard to describe but I feel like at that point I have a choice whether to accept it or not. If I accept it, it's like I choose to keep it in the back of my mind, or devote some thought or imagination to it.. so it gains a little bit of power. Then a physical urge might follow with some promptings to act on it. And if I start to deliberate whether I should do it or not it, even if it's to list reasons why not to.. it gains more power. Then maybe I'll start to scan some pictures that are just a bit sensual.. it's like getting sucked into a whirlpool.

So I think being prompt with the initial thoughts is extremely important because once it gets past that you might recover but you're definitely fighting a losing battle. As for practical advice, when I'm at my best I personally recite a few prayers until my whole mind is able to let go of the image or fantasy. Sometimes half of my mind is thinking about the image and half on the prayers for a minute or two but eventually it will disengage from the fantasy. Other times I just try to distract myself by thinking about something else or doing something else instead of giving any attention to it. That is usually effective in the moment but I notice they can still lurk in the back of my mind and come back a little more frequently than when I actively reject them with prayer, although still eventually fade or I'll go to sleep for the night and the next day is a new day.

Interested to hear more things other people do because the mind is definitely where the battle for no PMO is won and lost. I personally have had two separate 400+ runs that I blew because I eventually got complacent.. started letting stray thoughts back in.. started subtle little habits resume with being exposed to stuff with very minor triggering elements.. Can't overstate enough how important being on top of this stuff is for long-term sobriety.

 

H

Hahahahahahaahhah can't stop laughing. This is bad man, try engaging in some better distractions.

 

It's his tactic to approach this problem and that is to think of nasty things, but I do not agree that this is a beneficial way because it costs too much energy compared to the other alternatives. Think about it this way, you get a sexual thought, you denying it does not cost much of the energy because you simply deny it, it costs some if it's a big urge and you have problem restraining yourself, but I would find it more consumable in talk of energy to actually try visualizing something else and in this case nasty things.

I don't think it is a bad way of thinking that you are trying to come up with new ideas to fight the thought, because you have to try to make your road easier

 

The first and most important step is to accept it. Fantasies and sexual images will appear from time to time. There's NOTHING to do in order to prevent it. It's the brain's way to display our desires.

The second step is to occupy the mind with something else. In this case another thought.

This is an exemple of it in action. Howerever this specific tatic is bad for being another kind of sexual thought.
A better way to deal with it is to think about other kind of stuff. Like analizing our feelings and why we are feeling this this way. This method improves the connections someone has with their own feelings, and it let's people use logic to guide their action. Example:
- I'm triggered.
- Why?
- Because I saw a movie and it showed a cute girl.
- What you can do about it?
- Well, I gotta feel this way for a while, and use this energy to do something better.
- What is this "something better?"
- Push ups.
*Then goes and do push ups.*

Logic works better here than feelings, because if we rationalise with the feelings, the last answer becomes PMO.
This can be used in any situation and if the fantasies appear when we're going to sleep, then reaply the second step, and find something else to think.

 

Top post Border.

Interestingly you have had 400+ runs which is a huge achievement for most id say! The question is how did your life and we'll being change over that time frame and what triggered the relapse. If we can learn off someone who has been there and worn the t-shirt it could highlight some potential pit falls for us all.

I 100% agree it all starts with thought and it's how we control them that will detemine the path we take. Do thoughts build up sexual tension and if so how do others cope with this? I would say we have learned behaviuors for our mind to think PMO is the easiest strategy to relieve tension but we have to reword this Into more productive activities. Some good ideas above. Border - have your triggering thoughts changed over time? I'm 13 days into PMO by the way and have stifled most thoughts early on. Previous best was 60 days in summer 2015.

To infinity and beyond......

Kcrusader

 

You can't avoid birds flying over your head. But you can prevent them from building a nest on your head.

 

That's a really good question! I think the biggest change from getting PMO out of my life for an extended time is the huge boost to my sense of integrity. I personally think PMO is immoral and so when I am struggling with it there is an inherent contradiction between my behavior and my values. There's a constant internal tension that needles me when I'm not distracted. And on the flip side in those times where I was able to confidently say PMO isn't a part of my life at this time there was a great feeling of satisfaction that I am living the way I want to live in this area and not being dominated by a compulsion. That is the greatest change I think, and although it can be taken for granted it doesn't go away.

There are of course many psychological and health benefits which are talked about a lot. Those are positives too. But even with improved well-being, life isn't so simple as to be solved completely by just staying away from PMO. There are natural ups and downs in your moods that will resume over time, stress from relationships and circumstances, etc. And I think what led to my relapse was that I got complacent and didn't do a good job dealing with these things. You can apply the addiction mindset even with more minor things. I would basically term this as trying to avoid the pain of life instead of facing it head on.

So maybe I would feel stressed but procrastinate at work instead of getting the tasks done and reducing the pressure. I would feel unpleasant emotions and I would just bury myself in a book for the evening instead of sorting through my feelings. Then regret being self-absorbed and making those choices instead of helping out around the house more or being present with my kids. And those feelings of regret would keep fueling the cycle.

We all make little mistakes or have times when we're not at our best. But I think the sense of complacency I developed, as well as being kind of isolated without enough active accountability for life in general helped me to let that cycle go on for too long. Slowly it gains momentum, you make more little compromises, and eventually I got sucked back into PMO because it is a potent method of gaining temporary pleasure and comfort, especially one that my mind remembers using for that habitually in the past.

It wasn't just a bad day or a bad week that triggered the relapse. It was a slow decay that I didn't recognize fast enough or take seriously enough until it was too late. It sucks to keep making the same mistakes blowing long streaks but I hope I can keep growing in humility and learning to live a better life despite the setbacks I've had.

 

No, the thoughts will stay with all of us. Did you know what we used to run away from life before? Porn. And we all know how it turned out. Accept it, control it, live better.

 

Guess we had a misunderstand here. Thoughts and fantasies are different things.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought
This is what was refered by thoughts. They intrude the minds of people who suffer from Anxiety, panic disorder, OCD and other mental illness, and they are pretty common on people in this forum. Running away from it is harmful. Look at anyone who has OCD and you'll discover why.

This is why control is important, as you said, it becomes a fantasy that leads to PMO, and it happens pretty often with those who lack control.
It's the same as dealing with OCD, accept that the germs will be there and we'll get sick no matter what. Then, find a way to become strong minded to control those symptoms. It will take time until we develop the necessary strenght to control it, and it's impossible to develop it by washing everything.

 

Hi Border,

Thanks for the very comprehensive explanation, there are certainly a few points i can resonate with. I think the key things you have mentioned is being 'complacent' and the 'slow decay'. Ive often found myself in the same situation where in the initial first few weeks the enthusiasm and willingness to defeat PMO is at full flow and then gradually overtime, you begin to lose the original reasons/ benefits for prohibiting the behaviour and most importantly the tools to prevent relapse.

Im convinced a shift in mentality and attitude towards PMO is needed but more recently i have tried, albeit with great difficulty, too understand the root cause of my triggers and why i turn to PMO in certain situations. After reading a book about sexual compulsive behaviors: ' Breaking the cycle - Free yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession and Shame', i think it has a lot to do with our childhood experiences and environment. Our mind can be our greatest adversary but also our greatest foe - we need to learn how to use it for the better. Im sure many of the worlds religions had the greatest of intentions in this regard but have been warped into something entirely different over time.

Filing our time with activities to prevent destructive behavior is a great start but as we all know the thoughts never go away, or if they do, only in a more diluted form. I have tried to identify situations in my past that may have caused me to trigger and see if shedding light on these will help understand the root cause. For me PMO is only the end result of a certain series of events/ actions and im working to see how i can abolish these once and for all! Easier said than done!

Well i will share with you what thoughts/ actions trigger me and maybe, hopefully, it helps me share my experience and lessen the importance they have.

1. Medical situations - Any situation where i have a check-up, illness, exam etc and it involves a female doc or nurse. Being naked or partially dressed in front of females is for some reason a huge trigger for me. (I think i know why but can share that later).

2. Voyeuristic situations - Peeking on neighbours opposite and fantasizing in my head what i may see. Fyi - i have never seen anything remotely exciting - its the thought that im addicted to. Also i dont peek using binoculars or a telescope before anyone gets the wrong idea lol. I also get triggered by the thought of any woman spying/peeking on me - never had proof of this happening, so again, its just fantasy. I think this is why im so addicted to using webcams.
I have often exposed myself on cam and used too get a huge rush from this, especially as the recipient was also engaged. I know this can lead to risky behaviour so another incentive for me to stop.

Most of the time its to do with me either being caught naked or catching someone else naked. Its quite difficult for me to share this information but hopefully it helps lessen the hold these thoughts have on me.

3. Power dynamics - Any situation where the man is over powering the woman or vice versa (i know this can be a touchy subject), i think the feeling of having power, strength, control over someone else but also the opposite of these - being powerless, humiliated, exposed - these stir significant emotions in me and i get 'butterflies in my stomach'.

I am usually vulnerable to these 'attacks' i call them, when im stressed with work, tired, hyper, bored and having relationship difficulty. I think i know the stories behind each one and where they originate from.

I have to want to change as the above will never disappear if i dont understand their origin.

In conclusion .. Im Day 14 into no PMO (previous best 62 no PM) and i have a foggy brain feeling and urges to divulge in the thoughts above. Haven't had the urge to P or M as im acutely aware of extinguishing thoughts before they take a hold. I did nearly visit the docs today as i genuinely have an issue but secretly looked forward to the interaction. Was incredibly proud to have not gone in the end but instead ended up writing here and update my CV!! Very empowering.

All the best everyone.

To infinity and beyond......KCrusader

 

Very interesting post.

I do suffer from mild Anxiety and exhibit behaviours associated with OCD. I have controlled my smoking, alcohol and drug usage - so i guess PMO is the final beast left to tame.

To infinity and beyond.......KCrusader