Dealing with feeling used

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by naonaise, Jun 19, 2018.

  1. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

    Hey there. Lowly little me again. This is long, probably triggering so watch out for that, slightly rambly too. Just need some advice.

    TL;DR what am I to do when I feel like I'm just an object from which pleasure can be derived if posed and utilized correctly? I feel I have no other choice but to succumb to his every sexual whim and fancy lest I let his special girls from this website take my place better than I can. I feel like if I speak my mind or say my opinion or my desires - whether that's wanting or NOT wanting sex, he'll despise me and go to his girls who never turn him down and always seem to be doing exactly what it is he wants at all times. Hell, I feel like I can't even converse with him anymore without him, "well actually"-ing me, let alone hold his attention. I feel like I'm just the next best thing to his phone and computers at all times. A temporary replacement. Without or without the P of this website.


    It's been a few weeks since some stuff went down. I'm not feeling super great and lately I'm not feeling 100% satisfied. I haven't always been 100% satisfied by the sexual intimacy of my relationship, as we've had our ups and downs. Basically, while he was using, he was using me as another way to masturbate more or less. I'm turned on, so take your clothes off and do what I want kind of thing. No real reciprocation, and if so, half-hearted at best. I kind of wrote it off as maybe he just needed me so badly he couldn't help it, but deep down it felt weird and wrong and sometimes a little forced if I wasn't exactly feeling it, but I felt I had to play the part of the sex toy or else I'd willingly be letting what I knew was happening behind my back continue to happen. As it stands now, he's gotten better with it. Things have been better. More enjoyable. Less painful during and afterward. Until yesterday.

    I dunno if you've ever had a 24-hour sickness, but those things sneak up on you fast. You wake up in the morning feeling relatively fine and by the end of the night you're curled up in a couch in two layers of clothing - one of which is a sweatsuit - wrapped in a Snuggie and all available bedding and STILL shivering. That's what happened to me yesterday.

    Here's the thing: I started to feel sick after my boyfriend and I had a nice relaxed date. My throat started to feel irritated and a little swollen, and when we got home we were sweaty and in need of a shower. I might mention that PIV was off the table as I'm menstruating at the moment. I let him shower first because I use a lot of hot water. He got out and started to get grabby, and while it felt nice and good and all that, I just really wasn't feeling well and just wanted to shower and lay down and rest. So I went and showered, and the steam kind of helped my throat some. He hadn't gotten dressed while I showered and I knew what that meant but I just... didn't feel like I had an option or an outlet to even say the slightest disagreement. I asked him to make me some tea for my throat. I hoped that'd get my point across. It didn't. I ended up giving him a blowjob anyway. I wasn't at my best. I could have done so much better. My zeal wasn't in it. It kind of hurt and definitely irritated my throat more. But I didn't dare say anything lest I am just a bad girlfriend complaining about doing my part to keep the P out of our relationship.

    I don't know what to do. This is the first time in months I've forced myself to want what he wants. But in my past experience, once it starts, I just have to keep doing whatever. And if I don't, well... yeah. I just don't know what to do. "No" is not an option or else I'm a bad girlfriend.
  2. Julius93

    Julius93 Fapstronaut

    Your argument in the specific situation as you described is valid. You could have said: "no".
  3. Ram*79

    Ram*79 Fapstronaut

    You did your part the best with your boyfriend. But yes, you need to speak out about your cravings to him instead of only satisfying his needs
  4. Ancheme

    Ancheme Fapstronaut

    Hi naonaise,

    if you want respect, start respecting yourself first, which includes being ready to loose him. And go to therapy. Some random dudes on the Internet (myself included) aren't going to solve your problems.
    Coolyorky likes this.
  5. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

    I already am in therapy.
  6. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

    I don’t really understand how this is enabling.
  7. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

    I can say the word “no,” yes, but the second I do is the second I allow him to outsource my “job” as his girlfriend.
  8. Julius93

    Julius93 Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately, the game doesn't work that way. You are not a mere plaything that's meant to be "used "in the relationship. You also do matter.
  9. Hi @naonaise,

    I can hear your pain in your post. I am here to tell you that you deserve a partner who loves _you_ and who treats you with dignity and respect. You get this by treating yourself this way. You model this behavior. Here are two links, one from me, one from @TooMuchTooSoon that talk about self-love. I hope you find them helpful. But read the entire thread, I think it is applicable here.

    You are right, when you say "no", he may go get his addiction needs met somewhere else. But do you really want to meet his addiction needs? No, you want him to love you. Here's the hard truth: it sounds like he isn't capable of that. This is how the linked-to thread relates. You are seeking love from an unavailable person.

    In my recovery circles we "keep our side of the street clean". What this means is we always look at our own part in whatever is going on. In your situation, his part is obvious, he is using you, treating you like an object, and devaluing you and demeaning you. Your part may be less obvious to you: you are letting him. When you say "no" and he doesn't like it, that's because you are attempting to change the "agreement" of your relationship. It's always been this way for him so he is going to try keep it this way. He is going to resist all and any change that affects him.

    This "you are letting him" part is probably something you need to look at for you. Just like he brought his addiction into the relationship, you probably brought this compliant behavior. This is "your side of the street".

    You _always_ have the right to say no. Always. Especially regarding sex. You are resisting saying "no" because you are trying to control the addict's behavior. This is codependent. Note, I say all of this as someone who knows and has been there. I have 5 years of codependence recovery. I will be happy to share my recovery experience you. I think you may find it helpful.

    Peace to you,
    Numb, naonaise and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    If this is how he views the relationship, you don't have a relationship at all.
    You have employment.
    Not trying to call you names...
    Just pointing out your own verbatim.
    A relationship is both of you respecting each other, not "one upping" the other at the first opportunity.
    You wait for the other, you care about the other, you honor the other...
    Even if you don't always agree.
    You work on it and work it out...but that doesn't mean you stab each other in the back because you don't.
    Sorry you have to go through this.
    Id have a very honest conversation with your partner about what you want and expect within your relationship.
    You're not dirt and you are not his doormat for wiping his feet.
    Good luck
  11. YES, this.

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